Growing Up & Drifting Apart

A day before Valentine's Day...but I don't have a valentine.

The second last day of the Lunar New Year...but nothing has changed.

Growing up can be both a good thing and bad thing, but I can only see the pessimistic side of it. Sure, the good part of growing up leaves memories of happy yesterdays, more friendships, gives you more freedom and independence...supposedly. But these optimistic things don't leave as lasting as impression as the negative ones. Positive things come and goes away after its joy is done. Negative things leave a mark and scar behind that is hard to erase and forget. 

Growing up comes with more responsibilities. no wonder they say life is fair in some ways. When you are young, you have the energy and time to do things you want, but you don't have the capital to do so. As a working adult, you have the capital and energy, what you are missing is the time. At the last stage of your life, what you are left with is the capital and the remaining time you have left, bit the lack of energy to do anything or everything. Life gives us fair treatment when it comes to making things hard at every stage of your life. 

Now, I've grown up a bit, to the stage where you are earning some money and a little freedom to do things you want. Just a little independence, my life is still controlled by the people with higher stages in life. So that's the thing. You are doing the things you want, you end up spending more time alone and thinking. You have started working from dawn to dusk, to earn enough capital to grant both your wishes and materialistic wants. You are happy when you get what you want, but in the process of it, you are losing the things that you already have and need. Drifting away from your family and friends as you pursue a goal. Gain a goal, lose a friend. In the midst of your great pursuit, you spent less time in relationships, and then it breaks and fall apart. 

Yup, I've started working. I spent lesser time at home, only to see them at dinner, or if I'm lucky, a glimpse of them in the morning. I can feel the relationship and communication within the family is being strained, with more conflicts, misunderstandings and quarrels, as each of us chase our supposed dreams of life. My friends and I hardly meet up anymore, we hardly even have the time to text each other a simple 'how are you', let alone to reply a message wholeheartedly. 

A single world, a single you, a single life.

Leave it to the fullest, you only live once.

But the simple and inescapable act of growing up destroys it all... ...

Growing Up & Hurting

New Year has come and go.

Even the Lunar New Year has left its mark of red packets, goodies and... sore throats.

Second by second, times flies past.

Days by days, they cannot be unwind.

Months by months, you are always getting older with every breath and step you take.

Age isn't just a number. It is a number that keeps on increasing and doesn't stop. Growing up into independence, into maturity, to be part of a future that one always look forward to. But growing up isn't always a good thing. The older you get, the more responsibilities you have to uphold. You need to be more mature, you cannot show your inner child self. More faults can be placed on you, and you have little or no choice but to shoulder the heavy burden of them.

The older you become, the more things you would have feel and experience. The sweet rainbows of life, the fiery passion of both love and dreams, to the darkest and deepest pits of hurt, failure and remorse. With each experience, we are wounded, healed and then scarred again. Sometimes even before the previous cuts and wounds have been stitched, another has been engraved into your heart, bolder and deeper than before. The older you get the more hurt you face. Your heart has been cut by words and wounded with hurt so much that no matter how much you stitch it back up, it can no longer regain its shape. 

So there sits my heart beating softly and slowly, afraid of the world. A heart, no longer its shape, filled with scars cut too deeply by my very own loved and trusted ones. Beat by beat, its growing tired of stitching itself up. It is growing older and loses power to fight back. A heart, no longer a heart, to feel, to love, to be happy... 

Why grow up only to be hurt?

I don't want to grow up, but hurt still comes my way.

Being the Odd Itself...

My first entry of the not-so-new year. Well, I'm suppose to start the new year on a fresh and positive note, but some things can't be helped, some things cannot change even across the years. Yup, so here's another side of the seemingly optimistic me.

Against all odds. Why do we say that? To push ourselves on, to inspire others to overcome their barriers and difficulties they face? Why not against all evens? Why must we go against the poor odd one out, the lonely independent party that has been left out of the evens, making its life worse that it is actually is? Is there really no mercy in this world for the people who are left to stand alone? No help given to the one that cannot fit in and not adapt to the world?

To go against all odds, to overcome your hardships, to climb every barriers placed in life, never giving up. What happens if you are the odd itself? Everyone is going against you, trying to climb over you and push you out of their life. They all surpass you, and some go pass unimaginable heights by just making use of you as a stepping stone, leaving you flattened and giving you no opportunity to stand up. However, as an odd, even with the strength to stand up, there is no way you can go against yourself fully. You will only be trampled on again, and collapsing with just your own weight, pulling you down to the lowest of all levels.

The odd against the evens. 
Two is better than one, the evens always wins.

The world has a common inspiration, Against All Odds.

But it turns out, I am an odd itself.

It's me against the world, me, myself and I, no one else.

Everlasting Conflicts...

Many things will be coming to an end today.

It's the end of 2013, lets welcome 2014 with open arms.

It's the end of my teen years too, goodbye to the young me.

But why doesn't conflicts come to an end too? Why do they keep on happening and last for a very long time? End of year, end of conflicts, it makes sense this way right? But even with so close to the finishing days of 2013, conflicts still appear and occur, they don't disappear. They stay in your life forever, you will always encounter them.

These conflicts, I don't want them to happen, but yet they do. No matter how hard you try to prevent them, they occur again and again, and you will always bump into them. I don't want to be part of it, and I don't want to be out of it as I have to be the middle person, the mediator. I don't want to know about it, don't get me involved. 

Just in the last week of 2013, there has been 2 conflicts, one within the family and one between my friends of 3 years. And sadly, both are still on going, no where near their end. In fact, it is getting more worse day by day as the conflicting parties further add to the fury of arguments, not wanting to give in. For both, I'm the middle party, the one that has to deal with both ends, I find that this is more difficult and irritating than being in a conflict. You have to deal with the tension in between, and always be wary, because at any time, either or both party might flare up and you will have to listen to them rattle on on how much they dislike one another. You will have to live with that feeling that something has to be done, but you don't know what to do. There are times where you are put in hot soup and loses at both ends as they find out you are in contact with their enemy. 

Some of these conflicts, you have been seeing them for so long, so much that you keep asking yourself when is it going to end. When? After today? Next year end? 

Ends come and go, leaving you to say goodbye to your past.

But why can't we wave goodbye to conflicts too?

Part of the Future

Another Christmas eve. I've realized, as you get older, the spirit of Christmas dies with you. What happen to those child like Christmas songs we used to sing? The Christmas trees and the colorfully wrapped presents underneath it? Santa will give out his presents tonight to the children on the nice list. Dear Santa, instead of giving presents could you give me answers?

A year is coming to an end, and a new start is arriving.

But I have no idea what the new year brings, what my resolutions are and I have no plans.

A part of the learning path has been covered, finished and put aside.

All is left is the determining results which can both crush and liven your dreams.

A step out to the world has been taken, a step that can never be forgotten.

But it is just one step, no more no, less, and I have no courage to take another.

A route for the near future days have been made, and there is no use regretting.

But is the route what I really want? Is it worth taking? Or is it one that I will regret from the start?

So many questions, so many new experiences, so many confused and clueless emotions within me. Am I already working for the future? Am I already part of my future, or is it just the future of yesterdays? What am I supposed to do or be in my future? Is it really up to me to decide, or there is really no such thing as choosing your future? 

There is one thing for sure, working is definitely going to be both part of the present and in the future. Whether is it to earn a living, for the experience or having no choice to, it has to be done. So I've started trying it out, I've started working part time. My first time in the outside world, my first time earning my own money. Well, there is a first time for everything, and first times are not always pleasant. 

The working life seems like a mundane and boring one. You wake up early, do a morning routine, get to the workplace, and do the tasks given to you. Then, the most interesting thing of the day will happen, Lunch Break! After which, you carry on with your work, bid goodbye and return home. So many usual happenings, so many routines repeating day after day, that it gets boring and you lose the meaning of fun, smiles and even the meaning of life itself. There are no longer smiles on the faces of the people, no eagerness to start a new day of work. The unhappy souls I meet on the public transport dampens my mood on my way to work, Try to be cheerful, I smile, only to get glares and numerous 'are you crazy' looks of the other commuters. 

So this is really part of the future, part of the unhappiness you cannot escape from. You have to be part of it, before you can be accepted as a part of the society, as part of the future.

Towards an Uncertain Future... ...

10 more days to an ending I'm so looking forward to...

10 more days to a finished battle after 3 long years...

10 more days to a landing after a long educational flight..

10 more days to finish this part of the marathon of life...

Just a mere 10 more days, press on! Don't lose focus!

But this isn't an end. There is still more to come, more success, more failures and more obstacles. Life, as many has described, is a marathon till your last day. In each part of the marathon of life, you have up slopes and down hills. Different people will pass by you throughout the race. Some leaves a lasting impression on you, while some run with you and cheer you on. Some people outshine and raced past you, while others drag you down. Sometimes if you slow down, you can be trampled on until you find the sufficient strength to carry on. Life always throws the unexpected at you. You never know what it has installed for you till it becomes the present or past. One can't exactly plan life out. One can't exactly plan for the future. Nobody knows what the future brings.

So why are we preparing so much for the future when we don't know what is going to happen? Why are we taking an uncountable amount of tests and examinations when we don't know what we are going to be or do in the future? Th tremendous amount of effort, the extremity of the obstacles that we go through, the buckets of tears and sweat poured out in this process may all end up in an overwhelming disappointment. The greater the amount of hare work we put in, the more disappointed we will be when failure comes crashing straight into you.

Sure, the positive planners will argue that these obstacles gear you up for the future. But what if what you are doing and learning presently isn't want you really want and nothing part of your future? Won't you be doing everything for nothing? But are placed in a position where you cannot not do it. It's part of the system, part of the way of life, part of the route that you have regrettably started on and there's no turning back now. The only thing you could do is to continue with it and try to fall in love with what you are doing, or start afresh after this part of the marathon is over, making your race of life a much longer one.

10 days to a significant end, but is it part of the future?

IRONY in Life

The word irony is used to convey a meaning that is opposite of its literal meaning. That's the dictionary definition. 

Life is so full of ironies that it forms an endless list. You would expect this outcome to happen, but in reality, the opposite happens. You can work hard for something, but you will get a contrasting result, in which many times it is a failure. You can have a planned dream, but many of the times, it is being shattered by reality. So who created irony? Why create ironies in life, making it so hard to live and bear? Why make things so negative and unexpected? Why? 

But thinking about it, isn't the ironies created by us, by oneself, due to our fickle-minded nature? You can decide to do things, then not do it again, and expect the outcome to be the same, to what you thought it would be if you have done it. You can do things for a certain reason, yet in the end the reason is invalid and isn't important anymore. You can make friends and strengthen relationships that you treasure over text messages or through games. when come to face-to-face conversations, one expects the conversation to be more comfortable and easy, but in reality, it became more awkward and there's nothing to say to each other. 

Here's one irony in my life.
I've set up this blog for various reasons. 
Firstly, I needed to let things out. Sure I could find someone to talk to, but I'm terrible at speaking and finding words to explain how I feel. I can't talk face to face with people, I will be at a loss at what to say to that person, no matter how close or understanding the person is to me. By telling them what the real me is, I feel insecure  I feel too exposed and vulnerable. Can I really trust this person? Will he blackmail me with my truths?
Secondly, I am wary of how people view me. With me telling them how I really feel, will they judge me? Will they think I'm just an emotional brat who can't control her emotions? Or someone who thinks too much and easily influenced by others? 
Thirdly and lastly, I've given up on writing a diary. Not because I'm too lazy to write, but due to certain busybodies in the house that refuses to give me my personal space and read my diary entries secretly. So this 'online diary' is safer. They don't even know I have a blog, any more do they know the random URL I've created to access this. And for readers outside the people I know, they don't know me, and I won't get affected by their views.  

So here's the thing. I've create this blog for not letting people know the real me. But recently, I have the urge to tell people about my blog. Ironic isn't it? I'm scared of people knowing the real me and my feelings, but yet I want someone to know about this. I want them to read and understand me. Should I? Or not? But will they change their view of the quiet me? 

Irony, I've placed it in my life myself.

That's the thing... ...

That's the thing about stress. They build up pressure way past exploding point.

That's the thing about failures. They make you more depressed than you already are.

That's the thing about losing yourself. You don't know what's the real you.

That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

That's the thing about reality. It slaps you and shatters your dreams.

That's the thing about me. I want to give up and runaway, but I can't.

Sometimes such circumstances start running straight into your life and you can't avoid it. No matter how hard you try, it comes back face to face with you. Going round it won't help. Climbing over it doesn't help either. The only way is to go head first into it, even if you are not prepared. I am failing over and over again at the same spot, sometimes even falling backwards to a spot further away. I've tried getting a head-start running through the obstacle, but all I get is blisters from running. I've tried numerous plans to get through it, but one by one they fail, causing me to fall backwards further than I already am.

I want to give, drop everything and let go of it. Is going through this obstacle necessary? It is even beneficial? Can I please stop now? I'm drained, lifeless, unfocused and am no longer useful. 

That's the thing about life. We can't escape from it at all.

Unanswered Questions

Graduation Day. A part of my life in the education system is coming to an end.

Endings should be beautiful, complete, but sometimes sad.

But I feel nothing if the sort, only the incessant feeling of many unanswered questions that I yearn for the answers of them. 

Questions that I want to ask, but I don't dare to. 

Doubts that you wished to be clarified, but there is no way of approaching it.

I'm tired of explaining the situation to everyone.

''Are they together?'' ''So sweet, they are a couple?'' ''Since when?''

A couple. Are they? I glanced at the close proximity between the girl, one of my closest friends, and the boy, someone who we have been in the same class since 3 years ago. The girl's head on the boy's shoulder, eyes close and smile on her face, both oblivious to the attention that are getting.

There shouldn't be such secrets between us as close and best friends, should there? I have questioned my bestie countless times. Nope, not together, is what she always says. Every time I question, I will get the same answer. So I tell them what she told me, ''No, they are not together, just really close friends.''

But your closeness to the boy is making me doubtful. At this point in time, even I myself am unsure what the situation really is. There is no longer the friend zone space between the boy and friend. Wouldn't that mean that he is your boyfriend, and something more than just friends? You are always talking to him, leaving the rest of your besties and me out. I can't even put in a word when you are with him. When I talk to you, you don't reply me, keeping your eyes and smile directed at him. You push me away and put your arms around his waist.  You easily get irritated with me, yet you willingly hug him and thank him for being a wonderful friend. Is it still just friends?

I want to question you again. Will you still give me the same answer? 

We just have less than two months before we go our separate paths, and I really don't want this to spoil our treasured friendship.

The bonds between the five treasured friends were once with infinite strength, sharing the best, absolute and perfect moments together.

But even at infinity and beyond, we are drifting apart, slowly.

I don't want to lose my besties. 

But the unanswered question still remains. 

I don't want to WAKE UP!

I wish to escape from this nightmare.

I wish that I could do things as good as a someone else.

I wish people will see me for who I am, and not based on my results.

I wish we could chase back the sunrise, to slow the world down and give us time to think.

I wish that at least some of these wishes I make will come true.

But the world we lived in is never wish-granting factory. 

No matter how hard you try, these wishes just won't be fulfilled. You've tried working hard towards it, but it gets even further. over and over again you have tried, so much that you are already losing focus.

I dream for a bright future of sunny days and laughter.

I dream of being excepted the way I am.

I dream about experiences that I yearn for, to feel new feelings.

I dream of a place where dreams and reality really meets.

I dream of fantasies which I know will never come true.

What's the point of dreaming and setting goals when you can never achieve them?

Sometimes I wish I'll never wake up.

Because once you do, your dreams will be crushed and reality will slapped you again.

That's just the way of life... ... and it will always be... ...

Ignorance is Bliss...or Not?

Yes, definitely, Ignorance is bliss. It makes the world a better place to be in. It makes the world a perfect picture to one, tailored to what one would want to hear and ignore those that one does not want to hear. If you ignore the evilness in this world, the world would be one of peace and harmony. If you ignore the inequality among us, everybody would be friends. Just ignore everything that you do not want to see, hear, touch, think, smell or even taste, the world would become an Utopian state that you would always be satisfied with. Ignorance is Bliss, making everything deem pleasurable and desirable to the ones ignoring.

But what about those being ignored? Those that are uncared for and have no stand in society. Those that many have ignored and are seen as irrelevant and useless. Ignorance is definitely not blissful for them. In fact, it is a torture. A torture that they want to runaway from, but can't, it is everywhere. A torture that they want to ignore, but it is an inescapable hurt deep within.

You tell someone nicely. Ignored.

You try to strike a conversation to built stronger relationship. Ignored.

You hope the someone change for the better. Ignored.

You are just trying to help. Ignored.

You are doing the best one can do. Ignored.

After a while, you can't seem to take it anymore. You scream at them, yell at them, and cry your heart and feelings out in front of them. Ignored.

So why do people ignore others when it hurts so much? 

Why would they ignore if they don't want to be ignored?

Nothing Can Be Done... ...

안녕하새요! 

I have forsaken you again right? I'm really sorry. I've been tremendously busy with school and have little time to spare for myself, to pause and even think to myself. Many things have already happened, and I'm bursting with emotions that I want it to overflow right now.

You can always try and do your best, but there's no one to recognize you for it.

You can be as flawless as a circular piece, no corners, no errors, but you'll never fit into a jigsaw.

You may be wonderful at expressing yourself and feelings through dance, but the only people that saw you dance are the soft toys in your bedroom.

You may have a quality and top notch voice, but it is useless in a choir as there's little chance you can actually hear yourself.

Many of such times I ask myself, why work so hard when it does not make any better then the rest. It is wasted and of no help. 

It's worse off when results do not show the amount of effort you have put in. I just feel like giving up. There's no point trying so hard when you don't get results and people blame you for not putting in sufficient effort. Even if you have clearly stated the enormous amount of effort you put in, they will retort you with "You have put in effort, but is it enough?" or something like "You are putting in the wrong kind of effort, go figure out what's wrong and change it." What can I do about it? Try again? But I'm tired of trying over and over again, so much so that I'm bored and exhausted of it. 

There have been many instances I want to cry out and stop something from happening, but I fail to do so. All I can do is sit there and watch that happen. There's nothing that I can do to stop it. I want to but I don't dare to. I know it is wrong but what can I do without getting involved, seen as a busybody, or worse still, get scolded. This usually happens especially when it has to do with the way some people are communicating and interacting with people. Some are just plain rude to each other, even towards the elders. What's wrong with people nowadays? Where has the simple things such as respect and thinking before you speak gone to? Where has the simple thank yous, kisses and hugs that make you feel appreciated and love gone to?

With so many things happening, I just want to escape and runaway... ...but still, nothing can be done.

Unregconisable Efforts made...

Efforts and Hard work. How are they defined? Many of the times, they are made known only because of the resulting victories and good outcome. But what if these brilliant results are not there? Does that mean you didn't put in your effort? Of course not. But many people don't see this. They don't know how much effort you have put in, they just based in on the unfair result you have to judge you. And there's nothing you can do about it. The more you say or act against it, the more they think you deserve to get whatever result you have gotten. So the best thing to do is keep quiet, and let it eat you up from the inside slowly, painfully... ...

I've put in my best already and give it my all. But they can't to see, or in this case, hear the effort that I've put in to give it my best shot. With the same amount of effort put in, everyone one has a different result. Everyone is different. You certainly can't expect me to be like someone who is much better than me. You can only do the best you can, and try to be like that certain role model, but you'll still be different. Just because I can't, it makes me seem like a loser and a drop out, never being able to be on par with the rest. Everyone has a different quality result, it is something that you just have to live with it. But still, many do not accept the fact.

What can I do? I really don't want to be the black sheep and the left behind... ...

I can't catch up with the others... ...

Simplicity... it's long gone

It is the simple joy of living, that makes me happy.

It is the simple listening ear I need, that makes me joyful again.

It is the simple quietness and lone time, that makes me calm.

It is the simple shoulder to cry on, that makes me thankful.

It is the simple respect, that makes me feel I'm someone.

It is the simple little knock, that makes me pleased you are here.

It is the simple  I love you, that makes me feel appreciated.

It is the simple little things that make  the world a better place to be in.

What has happened to the simple things in life? The world has become so much more complicated then I can ever imagine. The simple little things are all gone, making my life and the world a sad place. There is no more joy and laughter, no more happiness and spring. the world has become a dark place, a place full of failure, hatred and revenge. There is nothing you can do about a place like this. You'll have to leave in it, deal with it. But what happen if you are not prepared? To deal with these overwhelming evilness that has engulfed the peaceful perfect world?

It's hard to be part of this world, when you never been able to fit in in the first place. You are not respected, you are not cared for, you have no place in this world. But what can I do? I'm just a small creature. Even if I make a difference, the world will still remain the same. The little simple difference of mine, there won't be any change at all... ...

Bursting...ugh

Hello, looks like I have forsaken you for so long. Blame the troublesome examinations and the other stressful school and family issues... ... There are just so many things that I want to say, but I dunno where to start, hope you can be patient with me, I type really slow.

Let's start with the most recent...

Maybe its just me, I'm too caught up in the bubble world and am oblivious to almost everything. Thus, people(or maybe just boys) ignore me. They just don't seem to see me at all. I'm invisible to them and my good points are all camouflaged with my bad points. I'm quick tempered, always ready to be piss off at people at anytime. I'm too quiet and noisy at the wrong times, irritating many. I'm stupidly shy when it comes to boys as I do not know what to say and stutter most of the time when I speak to them, making me feel like a retard. My friends around me are or have been in a relationship before.

I'm like a too innocent and naive creature that does not know how that suppose to feel like, to even have a crush upon a someone special. I can't handle and maneuver boys confidently being myself, the way other normal girls can.'It's weird, I'm yearning to be in love... ...

Expectations that can't be met, bringing a whole lot of disappointment and unhappiness in everyone.  Exams are just over this week. Of course who doesn't want to do well. But it is not up to you to decide. You may have tried your best but the results don't turn out the way you want or others want them to. They blame you for not doing well, they say you didn't prepare enough and it can only be your fault. What is even worse that your parents are foreseeing the result would not be good as they think that you have not put enough effort. But how can you tell? the results are not even out yet.

Having sibling do not help either, for my case, they make matters worse. You can be compared to them both. They compare a good point about you with your sisters, causing them to hate you, screaming their explanations that everyone is different and blame you all for this comparison made. When they compare a bad point, you face even worse disaster. You will not only get look down upon by your parents, you will also get "suan" by your siblings and their brag about how much better they are. But the explanation that everyone is different does not work here. They will just thing you are the bad one and you should learn from them.

And what about freedom? Besides the age of 21, shouldn't people get more rights and the power of decision making when they get older. The amount of rights and freedom to decide what I want to do does not seem to increase with my age.  At age 17, I still have to ask for permission to go out with friends after exams, with most of the time getting a 'NO' as an answer. It could be due t this reason that I have very little exposure. To tell you the truth, I've never watch a movie at a cinema with my friends before. My parents does not seem to trust me fully,as if I would be unruly outside and be a bad girl... ...

Controlled Life, Controlled Me...

Have you ever thought that who you really are and what is the true you?
Are you behaving the way you deem yourself to be?
What is it like, wanting to be yourself, true to heart?

I want to be my true self, be like my friends, like any other youth. But I'm afraid. I want to be like ordinary teenagers, do what they like to do, jumping around in rock concerts and being happy and high. But I can't bring myself to do it. Something is holding me back, I can't get free from it. I don't know what is it and how long it will last. It is making me irritatedly unusual. I hate it, I hate myself.

Maybe it is due to the controlled life I have lead. There wasn't much freedom, permission was required before I do anything. I didn't have the free will to decide. Every decision made even come with a price or compromise. I am like a star in the sky who wants to shine as brightly as I can, but not able to, because I'm afraid I stand out too much.

How I wish there was someone daring enough to penetrate through this transparent wall and rescue me. I know what is going on outside, but I can't join them.
Rescue me please!

INSULTS, from someone i love...

It has been a long tome since the last post. Here are some updates....
June holidays are over. The family Malacca trip was gone, leaving me with a fever on the last of the four days due to poor digestion.
Youth day has also past recently. My mother, sisters and I watched a Japanese movie-"Wasao" (About a dog, nice!)

Now, down to the real thing, ugh...

So what if I am not smart? So what if I had done so badly?
So what if it is to the extent that parents have to meet my civics tutors?
I have tried my best, haven't I? I have given in my all and really hope to do well.
But things like examinations do not always turn out the way you want them to be or suppose to be. There's nothing you can do about it once the results are out. You cannot hide them forever. One day, the people who you don't want to tell will find out.

That day has arrived, my family knew about it, and it brought about a whole loads of insults.
Why didn't you do well? How did you study? You didn't focus, did you?
I feel like screaming at them, "Yes, I'm stupid, what are you going to do about it? Send me for a brain transplant? Sure, why not? I don't even think it'll work, cos I'm too stupid. ugh."

It is so demoralising when your sisters say that to you. It makes you feel that there is no point studying. I should quit, give up, then they will be happy. I have pleased them and make them so happy, but they do not seem to see it, they take me for granted. I thought sisters should always help each other, tell us to try harder and not laugh at each other when we do badly.

Ugh, I feel like a loser.
I want to cry.

Holidays Package* homework included

HOLIDAYS + HOMEWORK = no fun...
What's the use of holidays if you have to go back to school, do homework, modern day e learning and revision? Might as well have the normal school term. The normal school term is so much less stress and better, at least you'll understand what I am doing...


Consider myself lucky, I still went on a short vacation with my family, literally across the seas.

But I came back sick with a fever and a mouth full of vomit, yuck!


I hope holidays will bring more interesting things and laughter. For that to happen, there must be a lack of homework!

what if... but... i can't...

I've got to say what's on my mind...it's driving me crazy
Mid Years are over, ugh, results. June Holidays are here, as if.

What makes up a teenager's life?
People usually say emotions, love, hatred, break ups, bad influence....
But they forgotten about stress, from both themselves and others around them.

Mid year exam papers are coming back one by one, full of red and unsightly marks glaring in your face. I tried my best didn't I? It's all that counts isn't it? But, what if my best is the worst, below expectations, not up to standard? What can I do? I'm totally lost in this dark world and I don't know how to escape? It is like suffocating you till your death bed, it does not leave you even for one minute. You do not even dare to tell your results to your parents. They won't understand, will they? They will always see it is your fault, you didn't study enough, you didn't do enough practice, you didn't focus, it's your "effort" that cause it to be this way.

I feel like screaming to them. Face it! I am the stupidest out of all the children. I have broken the "record", getting the Ungraded three in a row. People around me are doing so much better than me. Why can't I too? I'm panicking, in the desperation mode now. What can I do?
What if history repeats itself? What if I fail my promotional examinations? What if I get retained? What if I am a disgrace to the family, a disappointment to my parents? What if...

I feel like screaming my lungs out, but, I can't. Something is holding me back. I feel like crying a river of tears and desperation, but, I can't. Something is controlling the flow, not even a single tear can escape. I feel like giving up totally. What is the use of continuing and persevering on if your best is like the worst?

Thoughless & Heartless... ...

Looks like I have forsaken you for a long time.
Mid years are nearly over, there is one more paper to go. Yay!

Some people are just..ugh.
They don't think about others, they don't care what people feel. They don't put themselves into shoes of others and try to understand their feelings and why they act this way. They always think they are right. They just plain "i don't give a damn" kind of thing.
Heartless and inconsiderate people they are. You just cannot get along with these people, no matter how much time you have spent with him/her or by how much you understand them. They are hard to please and cannot be easily satisfied. They do not listen to other opinions, they will interrupt you went you are talking. If you get angry with them, it's of no use. They'll somehow not see the fault of the argument lies with them, by pushing all the blame to you. They are never in the wrong, that's what they think. ugh, irritating!

So, here's the approach I adopted to deal with such people, though it's not entirely full proof.
When they say something, neither agree or disagree. Just go with anything. You don't rebut their point, they got nothing to say.
Keep conversations short, you would not know what it may lead to, usually unpleasant.
Don't ever speak when they are talking. Just live with it, pretending to listen is the best way to go. Just hope they will run out of things to say quickly(these people are fond of telling unwanted and meaningless stories of what they did and what you should do too).

Ugh to these people. Can't they just get out of this imperfect world?

I'm lost... ...What do i do?

Burdens. Workloads. Stress. Tiredness.
Everything is coming in at one short. Exams are coming...more tests, more quizzes...
More FAILURES... More HOMEWORK... More DEPRESSION.

Mid years are around the corner, next week. I'm still not prepared for it. I have so much revision and learning to do...but I do not know where to start from. I am immersed and lost in the never ending piles of work and revision I need to do but haven't done. I'm drowning, but I do not know how to save myself.

I'm lost, alone, don't where or what should I do...

INTERACTION with people... ...

Supposedly another long weekend.
No school on Monday.
But it doesn't really make a difference.

Have you ever felt that you behave and belong to another world, just not the one you are in? Or might as well say that you can't fit in and interact with people in your age group. I interact better with people who are much younger than me. I somehow don't feel at ease when I'm with people my age in school or even with my sisters who are three years younger than me. I find it easier to play and understand children and toddlers. Maybe because my mind set is that of the kid...or because I'm childish and behave like one.

But it is tough. You will spent more time in school or at home where people are around your age. You want to get to know them better but you don't dare. It's hard to get close to them, you do not know what to say.

Ugh. Why is leading my life so tough.

Disapointment & me... ...

Disappointed. Why did it turn out this way? Why?
So much effort was put in... ...what when wrong?

I feel like crying. It's so unfair. Why do people not judge us on effort, but only judge us on the quality of our end product. It is the learning process and experience that counts, isn't it? I dislike it when people judge me just from one encounter. What do they know about me?

Why put in so much hope in ourselves, only to fail later in the future? It makes us feel a thousand times worst. Sure, it's for our own good, all the efforts are not a wasted as we will be able to learn from them in the future.

I shouldn't be upset. We did our best, we tried till we drop without a single complaint. Who cares what they say. We'll be ourselves as we are special. hah. They are noobs, they can't see the speciality and passion in us. hah. Opinions differ, so what for we listen to them, after all believing in yourself is the best. But why do I still feel the disappointment?

Lies from a liar... ...

Labour Day today.
A supposedly holiday, but my brain is in overload.

So much for planning things to do today.
And everything was ruin by one person. Why must he wants things his way? Why can't he listen to us just for wants? Why can't he thinks about others and question in doubt? He always assumes that people will think like him-the selfish, hot tempered, self centered ways. I really can't stand this type of people. They only know how to ruin other's life and happiness, that's their job.

So what am I going to do today? There are so many things to do and I don't know where to start. ugh. Life's really tough. What happened to those carefree moments and happiness that seem possible? They are so near yet so far... It just seem impossible in such 'tragic' times...

T.G.I.F. , But I'm SO NOT FREE...

End of the week, supposedly long weekend but still have to g back to school on two days.
Some kind of holiday break. Ugh.

Parents as ROLE MODELS?

Who taught their children the usage of vulgarities and unclean words?
How did we find out about them?
Did their parents influence them to say and be this way?

"F***" was what came out of my dad's mouth. It's was just something trivial in the car round a bout, and he started spilling such hard cored words in the car. I was brought up mainly by my mom, and I can't stand those words. Nobody in the family ever use them, if we do , we are not spared the cane. My sisters and I were punished for every nitty gritty thing that we did wrong. Why isn't my dad punished then? The world is really unfair to us children as it is controlled by them adults.

So,where do our bad habits come from? From school, bad company of friends?
I think parents do play a part too. If one is as hot and quick tempered as my dad, he child will be hurt numerous times from the scoldings due to trivial matters. They are not leading by example, aren't they? So what make them worthy enough to become our parents?

Just ME against the WORLD

Sometimes I feel I'm just alone, in this cold forlorn place where nobody cares about me.
Everyone has their own views, but they are all driven against me.

They think whatever I do is wrong. Even after I have given it my all and best, they will still find fault with me. They think whatever I do is wrong, they have no trust in me. It is so hard to please people. They want things their way, and they make yo do it that way. They don't care about your personal ideas and abilities. Here you are putting in your last ounce of energy and effort, there they are criticizing your every movement and humiliating you. They have hurt you real deep, but they "don't give a damn" about it. It's like they rule the world and I am just objects of usage to them.

JUST ME and nobody else.
Every one is able to do it, except me.
Every one can understand it, except me.
I think I did it rightly, but she says no. Should have trust in myself, someone who understands me better, or just the person in charge? But maybe I did it right, but she doesn't acknowledge it. Or maybe she does not see eye to eye with me. She has always been picking on me... looking down on me . I feel sad inside.

I'm left out, alone, lost and unwanted...

Quit picking on me!!!

Easter Sunday.
Bunnies with chocolate eggs jumping everywhere giving people joy and cheer.
But I didn't receive any.

I didn't do anything wrong, did I? Then do they keep getting upset with me? ugh.

In a BUBBLE of my own... ...

I've been floating aimlessly around, wandering lost, having no goal in life...

I've been an Eskimo in a desert,'I've never really fitted in to this universe, much less at home...

I've always been in a different world, on a different page, with a contrasting genre. It will never be able to fit in this jigsaw environment, where everyone can place themselves together in the picture nicely, only to have me as a piece that sticks out tremendously.

I'm in my own world, my own bubble of life and I can't break out of it. Being myself is like being the fish out of water, it's just unsuited for me. I could neither be here nor there, and cruelly not in between. The wall of my bubble is too thick, I cannot see and feel what is happening around me. I want to burst this wall and reach out to the world, but it just won't break. I don't have the strength to. If I escape, what will I be like... I wouldn't know myself any more. It's hard, my mind runs on a drastic frequency, unlike any others.

I'm special, in a way that I'll never understand this world... ...

Where's my Fairy Godmother? 🌠

Good Friday today, no school.

Without school curriculum, so many things can happen.

Do you find it extremely irritating when you unintentionally done something wrong and this person will brood over this subject for the entire day? They make you feel that you have committed a unforgivable sin and should be shame with humiliation. They go on and on about you ruining their whole life, even if your mistake seem so trivial.

You try to please them, but it's so hard to. Maybe because I don't fit in, I never did. They make your every good intention seem like an horrible one, they are not thankful towards you. What can I do? If I complain (which I usually don't), I get myself into more trouble as they will dig up "past history" and brood about it all over again. I try to be nice, but it is not how the ways go. It's like one-sided niceness to each other, you won't get back any in return.

How I wish fairy tales exist... 

How I wish that my fairy godmother will save me and bring me away from such terror and unpleasant people...

Tired, Weary, Dreary... ...

There it goes, it flew past me so quickly that i didn't even notice.

 I'm like stuck inside a bubble, I cannot catch up with the others.

The times fly so fast. I have so many things that I want to do, but there's too little time.

Things are loading up quicker than I can unload them, so much that my is collapsing at the intense stress. I'm sleepy, tired, and all willing to give up. I know I shouldn't, but I want to. What's the point of doing so much when you'll forget about them sooner or later? What's the point of doing things when people don't appreciate? It's useless, isn't it?

Then why continue to push on, making you drain every ounce of energy in your body, causing you to fall into the "brain-dead" mode quicker than expected?

💟 Somebody to LOVE 💝

Love is blooming all around, in school, outside, and even in the fish tank. I'm at the age where people are having closer than friendship bonds, going out with "the someone special" and having one's heart beat about a 100 times per second. But not everyone will get to enjoy this feeling, do they?

3 people at the table-me, person A and person B. Person A and B are in love but they don't know it. They laugh and share secrets with each other, talking between themselves, forgetting about the other person sitting at the table with them. They are blinded by love, oblivious to their surrounding.

Maybe LOVE is really a beautiful sensation. It let you feel that you are in control of the world of perfection. Maybe it's the only bliss and happiness left in today's disrupted world...

When will I be able to find and enjoy this wonderful feeling of love and being loved?

People in this World 👨👩🌎

You may get along with some of them, but not others. It really can't be help.

You don't want to get angry, but it seems ridiculous... ...

Some of them are...,well, more than irritating. They have already made up their minds but they still ask for your opinions for the sake of asking. Whatever you say, they will still stick to their idea and not change a single thing. Then why ask on the first place? ugh.

The next one is the "get-the-hell-out-of-my-face" kind of people. The sight of them just made your blood boil. They are those kind who are exceptionally rude, and stupidly self-centered. They don't care if they had ruin your day, they live in their own world. ugh.

Lastly for today, there is the fight/quarrelsome people who just wants to start an argument with you about the most trivial things. They have an astonishing anger span and will brew over it for a long period of time. They go on and on, making you even angrier and upset,even if its not your fault. Ugh.