👩 Different MEs 👧

Looks like I have forsaken you for very long! It has been more than a month since I last posted anything. I'm such a procrastinator! Never actually found a time to consolidate my thoughts and feelings even though so many things have occurred and I'm dying to let someone know everything but I simply cannot find the right words for it. Or maybe it's more like I'm being plain lazy.

So here I am, finally settling down in the quietness and peace of my bedroom to type this out. Facing the laptop screen, finally hearing my own thoughts and figuring how to put them down in words. That is still a difficult task for me - putting thoughts into words, even though I have done numerous posts before this.

I have come to realise that there are different sides of me that I show different people. It's just a single me, but the way I act around people differ from group to group. It isn't like the groups of people differ by much, they are all friends that I trust and treasure, friends that I would want to remember and create new memories with.

With my friends whom I have known for 5 or more years, I then to be more of the quiet reserve me. I don't speak much unless a question is ask or I am spoken to. Sure, there are specks of playfulness and teasing time to time but that's about it. In front of them, I'm not one to speak up unless it's a one to one conversation. Even if I do, the general conversations do not last. 

On the other hand, with the newest group of friends I have made, I tend to be all motherly and yet playfully childish around them. Maybe because majority of them are all older than me? Here, I am one that usually initiate most of the conversations. There are times that I'm quiet and less out-going too, but those times have been brought to a minimal.

Then, there's a me that usually only appears when I'm alone. Free from judgements, free from the public eyes, free from anything. It is a time that I can just let lose, be myself, think for myself. That's when I can be true to myself and let my emotions take a turn for themselves. Even in front of my family I act differently. 

A single me, so many acts, so many different sides of me.

Which is really me?

Temper and Torlerance 🔥

Don't lose your temper, don't.

It is not worth it, it isn't going to make a difference.

Control your temper, control.

You have no right to lose your temper.

Just tolerate it, tolerate.

But it is easier said than done.

Sometimes when you are feeling so angry, or upset over certain issues that one feels like just cussing out loud. Sure, it isn't the most rational thing to do, yet I am just tempted to do it, to prove that you shouldn't mess with me. Scream my head off, let the anger flow freely in my veins. Burn anything that dare provoke me and stand in my way. Be violent, sarcastic and mean for once. That's a drastic and maybe a good change for once.

But it's so not me. 

Even if I do, I am going to get into a whole load of trouble, making matters worse. 

When everything comes crashing towards you, you can't say anything, there's no time to react at all. All you can do is be drown in this crazy sea of emotions and blame. All you can do is listen, that's all. I can't talk back, I will only get scolded and blame more. It wasn't even my fault to begin with. But I will just have to deal with it, there's no escaping it. Tolerate it and hope that it will blow away soon. Tolerate it and pretend that it doesn't really bother me, but it does. Tolerate it and ignore it, but it still hurts so much.

When such things happens, I'm usually the first one to say sorry. But the "sorry" said isn't genuine. Saying sorry does not always make things better. They can seem better and the problem seems solve, but the resentment still persists and engraved into memory. Such a blame is hard to erase, hard to forget. The worst about such situations are that they are never fully resolved. They are able to repeat themselves and comes back to haunt. Try to package the hurt and blame away, only to find it reopening up again with greater brute force.

Everyone has a temper.

But why can't everyone have tolerance too?

1 Step forward, 2 Steps back 👣

One step forward, inching your way closer to your goal.

Two steps back, you find yourself getting further.

Put a step forward with much difficulty, only to find yourself being pulled back by obstacles, by the past, by almost anything that can reach you. Nope, I did not get the phrase wrong. Most would believe in two steps forward and a step back, to keep yourself in check. That isn't always the case, at least I don't think so, for me at least.

If that's the case, there is no use right? 

With every step you take, you only fall behind. I would rather stay put and be stationary, not moving front not moving back. In theory it should work, but things doesn't work that way in reality. Everyone else is moving forward, heading towards their clear goal, and here I am just waiting for things to happen. You will get left behind, get trampled upon, get lost in the sea of emptiness and nothingness. Even if I try to make things happen, I end up further away than before. Finding courage to move forward is no easy task. I've place a foot forward, only to let it be stepped on and shove back more than the step that I have painstakingly taken.

Trying so hard every time, only to come head first into failure. There's a part of me that wants to give up. There doesn't seem to be a reason for me to continue to try so hard. I'm tired, lifeless and lost, drowning in the sea of the success of others, trying to find a place in society. I've lost my objective in life, then maybe there wasn't even one to begin with. I can put in all my effort, but it seems fruitless.

Leaning forward to disappointment.

Looking forward to things but only to be disappointed.

As with every difficult step that was taken, I only find myself heading in the opposite direction, the wrong direction.

🕣 A Bottle of TIME

This Is My Entry, for a simple four lettered word, 
yet in all its simplicity lies complexity. 

Time

What is the concept of time? Why is time given to us? 

There never seem to be sufficient time is there? 
There are so many things and moments that can fit into this short and simple word.

Within Time, there are moments which brings Tears In My Eyes.

Within Time, there are numerous Things I Must Experience.

Within Time, there are memories made with Things I Must Enjoy.

Within Time, there are scares and hurt from Things I Must Endure.

Within Time, ... ... The list is endless.

Everyday, a bottle of time is given to you.

86400 seconds, that is all it has and all it offers.

86400 ticks of a clock and it quickly disappears.

That's the thing about time.

Once it is gone, you will never retrieve it back.

You can never chase away the sunset and find back the sunrise. 

The bottle of time can't ever be stored, put aside. 

A filled bottle is given at the start of a new day.

As quick as it appears, it disappears and is long gone.

An empty bottle is left at the end, only to be filled tomorrow.

86400 seconds to start a new day. 

86400 seconds to end a day. 

86400 seconds is all you have.

Girl In The Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who is the fairest of them all?

Definitely not me for certain.

I'm far from being fair, just plain, un-porcelain and unpolished.

Like an ordinary girl, yet duller than her peers.

If you gazed into a mirror, you will see a reflection. Nothing special and unusual about it. In fact, you see yourself in the  mirror almost everyday, it's part of the routine. The mirror reflects how you look. It's the image of yourself that is presented to the eyes of the outside world. It sometimes show all the external flaws one possesses, accurately depicting out scars or disfigurements that cannot be hidden no matter how hard you try.

However that is all it reflects. Nothing deeper than that. Well, I guess that's good, isn't it? A reflection is an image and no more. It doesn't show the internal scars and battles that one faces. It doesn't show one's inner thoughts and emotions. It doesn't goes beyond the facade and make up that one has put up. It makes it so much easier to hide what you do not want to show and present yourself to society the way you deemed as perfect. Apply make up and the mirror will reflect it all, from the planned skin tone and the measured blush that conceals the 'real' from reality.

Wouldn't that make the reflection be all fake and just a total act? The girl I see in the mirror is not a reflection of me. I can see pass the pseudo reflection that I  made for myself. I can't recognise the girl that is staring back at me with the eyes that I know so well. I can't recognise me at all. It scares me.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

What am I without the make up?

What am I without the facade?

Which is the one that is truly me?

An Emptying Heart wanting to be Filled ♡

My first entry in the not so new year of 2015!

Time flies pretty quickly right? Year after year time passes, we get older, have more responsibilities, more thoughts, make more memories, etc. The possibilities that this year can bring is limitless. However, I can't say I'm entirely looking forward to this year. 

Although it is just the beginning of the year, I have been filled with much thoughts and troubles already. If this is only the beginning, I have no idea how I am going to get through this year, it's going to be really tough and complicated. Will I survive through and stay alive till the next Christmas? 

Have you ever felt that no matter how much you have given, you would never receive the same amount you gave? Sure, we live to give, since majority of us are the better off ones. But what about people with the same standard of living as you? Shouldn't it be a give and take situation? It is only fair if it was that way. When you show them care, concern and love, you should receive back a little love and a sense of fulfilment, or at the very least, a response. Shower them with all you have, and they will love you back. Things should really go that way. But, in my life, it does not happen. It's more of a just give and give environment. Love and care for them, yet you are ignored. On worse occasions, you are even hated and stepped on.

I'm a human too, I need a response. Sure, I'm growing older by the day, I should be more independent and learn to be less petty about such small little things. I should learn to make sacrifices and give in. But deep down I'm still a child, a clueless one at that. I still yearn for that touch, the love, the simple hug. I need someone to stay by me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I wish for someone to stand by me and tell me there's nothing wrong to make mistakes. I want someone to just be by my side and say that I'm special because I'm being me. I yearn for that warm secure hug and the shoulder to cry on that I am terribly in need of. Or simply, I don't want to be left alone. Where's the someone that will help me pick up the broken pieces and lead me back to the right direction? I can't do it myself. I can't go on like that. I'm just me. No one great, no one special. Just the weak me putting a strong front. And this strong facade of mine is breaking down. I'm tired of trying to act that I'm fine, when I'm clearly know I'm not. I'm tired of smiling like a fool, because I am one. I'm tired of being the loving one, when heavy heart is left empty. 

Smile by smile, happiness is drawn away from me.

Beat by beat, my heart pours out love meant for others.

Day by day, it is emptied and given.

But who is going to love me back the way I love you?

Some Things Really Don't Change

The last day of the last month of the entire year is finally here.

The three hundred and sixty-fifth day is here, 

but I have no recollections of the past three hundred and sixty-four days.

The end of what was once a new year is inching its way closer second by second as I unravel each letter and word on the keyboard. Things around me have changed, all preparing and heading towards the up and coming new year. New resolutions are listed, old dreams are fulfilled and put aside. New routines and relationships are established. People grow older and aged, they come and go from your life. It almost seems like everything changes. From things that cannot be controlled, one's age for example, to the controllable ones like resolutions. 

So I am just sitting here. Changes are occurring all around me, but there is little or no movement from me. My routine does not change, there is nothing much to add on. My relationship with people around me is stagnant and just...there. My dreams do not change, they are still lost and not present in my life. It's just me. My life seems like a fixed picture, nothing really changes, nothing really matters greatly. I'm still the same person, lost in a too fast-paced society, being left behind and remaining as a wilting wallflower. Nothing unusual there, nothing changed. 

Another thing that really does not change is people. The character of people, they way they treat you and view you doesn't change. Even if it's a new you for a new year, to them you are still you. Character is one on the greatest unchanging evil that everyone has to deal with. Pre-set mindsets and made impressions are difficult to change.

A new year, a new dream, a new life.

But for me, it really don't change.

Lost Dreams, Lost Reality

One more month till the end of 2014, time really flies.

One more month till a new year, yet I feel that I have learnt nothing useful.

One year of searching, only to find myself still lost with only one month left to go.

Dreams are important, aren't they? 

No wonder there are so many songs on dreams; I have a dream, I dream a dream, Dreaming, Dream a little dream, etc. They give you a goal in life. They give you a purpose in life. They give you something you can work towards to and look forward to, without having to wander aimlessly. 

Dare to dream of coloured rainbows,

And fine castles in the air.

And a sun that shines so brightly,

Making cloudy days seem rare!

When you aim to find a purpose,

Then your life becomes worthwhile.

You'll dazzles those about you,

When you show your own true style.

Our dreams are not for keeping,

Simply borrowed for a while;

To console us in adversity,

And teach us how to smile.

Dream again of coloured rainbows,

And bluebirds flying high.

You'll overcome the obstacles,

Once you decided to try.

The only way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. Or at the very least, try to wake up. It is only with dreams that then you can work towards your wanted reality. What if you don't have dreams to begin with, does that mean you will never find your reality? Does that mean that you will never experience a place where dreams come true, a place where dreams and reality meet?

Not as Scary... ...

6 days after a Scary Spooky Halloween!

Seemingly innocent pumpkins with an evil grin.

Trick or treat? The treat itself is a trick.

Someone looms round the corner, ready to scare you. 

Who is behind the mask and costume? A foe or a friend?

Everyday is like Halloween.

There are always people who scare  and scar you on a daily basis. They remain hidden in your life, acting as an obstacle in life. Each of them wears a mask, not just on Halloween, but daily. It is not just on Halloween that you see people hiding behind masks, painted faces and wigs. It could be a friend behind a creepy ghost costume. It could be a foe behind the friendly fairy. You can never know a person's true identity. Can they be trusted? Can I rely on them?

Sure, Halloween is long gone, but why are people still wearing masks?

Why can't they be honest about things that they feel and they have done? I prefer living in a world full of hurtful truths than one that is full of lies. You can hide your real self and portray an almost perfect you. That is something that everyone does in today's society. We hide behind our masks so much that the only truth of ourselves are buried deep within our conscience, so much so that it has nearly diminished from within.

The point is, they are not the only one behind the masks of identity.

We hide ourselves from others, we hide ourselves from reality. 

Dropping the mask is no easy task.

I too, am wearing a mask, a mask of fear and insecurity. 

Hope is a Dream that Never Sleeps... ...

For me, Hope is a dream that never sleeps,

Like a shadow, always by my side.

Quietly come to me, cheering me on.

Ever heard of this song before? If you haven't, go listen to it! It is from the Korean drama - Bread, Love and Dreams, and sung by one of the sweetest voices in the k pop industry. His voice is so gentle and soothing, melting me into a messy puddle pool like an ice-cream on a hot day. Oops, I'm fan-girling a little already. But, seriously, go listen to it! It's a song that calms me down a lot, especially when things get really tiring and tough. It is one song that I still haven't got tired of even after listening to it over a hundred times (counted by iTunes).

So what was the last dream that I have dreamed about? 
My last dream, definitely not yesterday, not today, but in the near future?
Everyone should have a dream, don't they? 
Hope is a dream that doesn't sleep, so does that count? 

Not everyone has a dream, I am sure of that. Extremely sure. I know of at least one person who has no dream, no goal in life. It seems that she's lost, lost in a dreamless state. What's her own dream, she have absolutely no idea. "Find a dream!", many has told her, but she does not how to go about doing it. She has nothing to look forward to. Days go past by her like a routine. Everything is moving forward and not looking back, leaving her alone and clueless behind. She wants to dream, but she is tied down by her past. She did have dreams once, like any usual girl, but it all shattered with a single reality. She doesn't dare to dream, not anymore. All she can do is sit there, hoping someday dreams and reality will meet.

A place where dreams and reality will meet, it seems like a fictional place, a Utopian state that is almost impossible to achieve.

Hope is a dream that never sleeps, so there is always hope. 

But what if there isn't any dream in the first place?

Is there no hope?

☙ Wilting Wallflower ❧

A wilted petal is on the verge of dropping, yet no water is offered.

A lone tear escapes, yet no sadness is felt.

A piercing cut rips flesh apart, yet no blood is shed. 

A resounding slap across the face, yet no one has heard it.

A fatal stab into the heart, yet the brutal killing is not grieved.

Nothing is seen, nothing is heard, nothing is felt, as everything is hidden within.

You can wilt, uproot yourself, bow down to the sun and lose your strength, but no one will notice. You are just a flower, a wallflower that is. Not any beautiful flower, not any flower that holds significance. You are not the pretty red rose of passionate love, or the dainty daisy of innocence. All you can do is to be envious of your petaled counterparts. The delicate beauty of the tropical orchid, the adoring flower of sunshine and the justified dignity of a marigold, all you can do is to look up to them and watch them from afar. I'm just a mere wallflower, even falling against a weed. Weeds are headstrong and persistent, but the wallflower is just... ... a flower.

No matter how much you have experienced, if you are just a wallflower, no one will care. The wallflower is of no importance to anyone, and in some cases it is even viewed as a nuisance. 

I'm stuck in a bed of roses, their thorns hurt me.

I'm stuck in a sea of green weeds, they suffocated me.

I'm stuck in a horizon of tall sunflowers, they overpower me.

But who cares?

I'm just a wallflower.

A wilting wallflower. 💮

Turning Tables

Life is like a table. Some lucky ones lead a flawless and uneventful life, moving around the smooth circular table with ease and comfort. However, majority of us are less lucky, leading an obstacle filled life, moving around an angular table, turning each corner with much difficulty, and many times getting hurt and scratched in the process.

At different stages of life, we are seated at a different seat along the table of life. Just like how life plays with us, the journeys made round the table does too. It throws us into unexpected and hard to handle situations. We all start out our journey round the table without knowing the shape and how big the table is. There are times where the table is so small that you keep returning back to your original spot no matter how effort is being put in to change seats. At the change of every seat, a different dish is presented in front of you, in which it could either be a stepping stone or an obstacle. It may be a sumptuous success or worst of all, a nasty tasting failure. 

Then you may ask, why can't I stay in my seat and turn the table to find the dish of my own liking? Wouldn't that be so much easier and less painful? Eat the dishes that one prefers and face only what you want to see in life. 

But here's another horrible fact about the journey around the table. You are not alone at the table. The table of your life is in the hands of not just one, but many people. These people can make thing difficult for you, by snatching dishes and removing your chair from behind you and make you fall down hard. They add too much salt to your food, remove your utensils, make you trip over the tablecloth, etc... They do everything against you, even if you have done nothing wrong at all. 

Then you may ask again, couldn't I do that to other people too? An eye for an eye , a tooth for a tooth right? Turn the tables around, be the one that controls the table. Make them my slaves and stepping stones to get to my desired seat. Throw at them the hardships I don't want to face.

I have tried that, only to realise the tables cannot be turned. What you throw at them is thrown back at you. Worst of all, it is thrown back at you with much greater force and hurt. 

It's no use, the table of life is destined. 

* I just realised this post is one of the longest. I had this in mind for sometime already, but never actually found a time to write this down.

Mid Year Crisis

Time flies too fast... 

It is already coming to the middle of the year.

My teenage years are flying away before me unknowingly.

A new semester starts, an old race finishes and is packed away as a memory.

However, as fast as the previous race ends, a brand new race begins.

There's a new phase in life starting for me soon, but what is there to prepare?

Something new, bringing out a race of unpredictable obstacles, and the unexpected. Currently, I'm only heading towards the starting line and everything seems different already. Atmosphere has definitely become more hostile with uncomfortable tension, regardless of it being within the family or friends. The view of yourself is changing from both your own eyes and those of others. Is it a good difference, I can't tell. The people around me has change, some drastically, while some only physically. What was once just a mere competition to the best you can do has jumped into a heated war, where only the strongest and most cunning will survive the blood sheds. So here I am, the mere insignificant me, already losing even before the real battle starts. 

They say to embrace the change, as it is usually for the better. But what if this change is too depressing and suffocating that you are uncontrollably going down with it? A new race to get you further in life, to broaden your limits and horizons. But what if the race isn't meant for you and is nothing but a race because you are helpless against it?

It has only reached mid year, and it is already stained by much crisis.

How am I going to survive till the end?

Calando Rispetto ... ...

Calando - Decreasing                  Rispetto - Respect

*Just felt like going all Italian, to sound as if I'm well verse in language, but in actual fact, I'm just an empty nutshell......

Respect is such an important element in life. It's one aspect you should never leave home without. Its the only way you can survive and live properly in this society, without conflicts. It is the mutual respect we should each have for one another, regardless of age or standing. The younger ones should, or should I say must, treat the elders with respect. The older ones should also do so vice versa. 

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

That’s one of the really basic rules to lead a good and well behaved life. 

You treat people with respect and they will respect you back.

But there's always another side to this. The darker side, which could eventually get darker. You can treat people with respect, give them your best interest, be well mannered towards them, hoping they will treat you the same. I've come to realised that it does not always work that way. For some people, no matter how well you treat them, they view you as useless toys in society, with no importance in their life. They kick and stamp on you, making you more depressed and lower than you already are. Your well mannered words and behaviour are only to be fallen on the deafness and blindness of their unloving souls. And worst of all, regardless of how bad they have treated me, I still cannot bring myself to treat them the same way they have done to me. I feel like bringing my hands across their faces and scream at them to treat people with respect! I don't care if you hate me or give me treatment lower than those of the untouchable caste in society, but at least treat our elders with respect! 

So here I am questioning myself, am I a fool? To be mistreated by those younger souls, and not doing anything about it? Maybe I am, just a fool who is a mere stepping stone for people.

Rispetto...
A simple word, yet it means so much...
With enough power to break relationships and turn my world into a broken one... 

By the Sidelines... ...

Don't get involved.

Don't be a busybody.

Just solve your own problems.

Keep quiet, don't speak, don't tell.

Stay by the sidelines.

That seems like the easiest way to live a life, isn't it? The simplest motto in life. It's a totally "mind-your-own-business" kind of attitude. Do the things that are crucial to your life only. Do what's the best for yourself. Why care about others? They mean you no good. They only snatch away your opportunities and push you even further down. Till now, Darwin's theory of evolution remains true. Only the strongest of species will survive. As you grow up, you will learn that only the most "selfish" in this sense will survive in this close to heartless competitive world. Fight for yourself, want the best for yourself. Why bother yourself with things that don't directly affect you? Only deal with the things related to you or when it comes to you. Just... ...do things your way. 

Is it even possible? Seems like it isn't, or just for me at least.

People are going to view you as a selfish and self-centered person. How they view you, is it important? Should I really care? You can choose not to care, ignore those looks people are giving you and fend for yourself. Fight for yourself, no one else. But... can you really ignore it? Can you really live your life, being alone in this world. Are you able to live solely as a loner? To live with you and yourself against the unknown world who is going to to view judge and test you for all its worth? Can you managed?

That's the sad truth about life.

You got to live it the hard way to enjoy it.

Staying by the sidelines will bring you nowhere. 

An Un-listened Listener

Strains of music from the stereo floats through the air, 

Accompanied by the soft melodious chirping outside the window.

A phone rings and a conversation is held.

The same phone relights, a message is received and replied.

A voice calls out to me, and I follow it without questioning.

Listen to these sounds of life and be a listener. Listen to the sound of nature, listen to the human speech, listen to the vent of other humans. You have two ears but one mouth for a reason. You should listen more than you speak. Be a good friend, a good sister and daughter, and listen to the troubles of others, comforting them when you need to. Just listen, it makes  life so much easier and more pleasant for both yourself and the teller. The latter will be more comfortable than the listening former, who just listens, hoping it will dwell over fast.

As you can guess, I am a listener. To such an extent that I have done majority listening in my life, and hardly being listened to at all. A listening ear, a comforting hug and an understanding smile, just talk and I will listen. Vent your frustrations and anger, the listener  in me will sit by you till the storms calm.

But, now who is going to help me with my own chaotic sea of emotions and troubles? A listener needs someone to listen too. I'm just a human, with two ears and a hardly ever used mouth. I need someone to talk to, to lean on, and someone to return the comfort that I have given to others. Just someone who will hug me and tell me everything's going to be okay. I feel like crying and opening up my tightly filled bottle of emotions, but there seems like there's no listener to spare. 

I will listen to you, 

But who is going to listen to me?

Hello to Myself... ...

What defines ME? What does ME stands for? 

Who am I suppose to be? Who am I? 

So many questions, but not one of them can be answered by the person itself, which is ME. Yup, the fact is glaring in my face. I've lost my true self, or rather I have never known myself and see myself clearly. 

So I have decided to post something just out of the ordinary. The idea actually came from a song's lyrics - Hello to Myself (Dream High 2 OST) *no copyright infringement intended 

"Hello" is just a simple greeting spoken to everyone, yet it could mean so much more.

Have you tried saying hello to yourself? not your present self, but the self of your future? I know it sounds absurd and crazy, but wouldn't it be great if you could? It could answer all your questions and insecurities that the future is meant to hold.  On top of that, through just a simple hello, I could find my true self, if it is even there to begin with... ...
So here I am, lost in the world of ME, writing to myself, hoping to get an answer, finally. Here it goes... ...

Hello, this is April 2014, on a cold rainy day.

Where are you - how close are you,

To the dream that I've dreamed repeatedly of?

The one dream that seems impossible to reach.

Here, I'm still falling and crying again.  

I'm hurt and tired, having no strength to get up.

I have lost myself, lost the will to dream,

But you would probably see me and smile.

Hello to myself,

Will you comfort me by saying don't cry?

Hello to myself,

Will you tell me that I can do it?

Hello - Don't cry, Hello - Get up.

How are you - how is it like to fulfil your dream?

Doesn't it hurt when you pinch yourself?

Is it possible that the dreams has reached reality?

Or is it sometimes boring because it's a become a normal routine for you?

If you ever get lonely or tired, will you remember the dream that you begin with?

Hello to myself,

Will you think of me here and smile?

Hello to myself,

Will you be happy to the point where your heart overflows?

Hello - Smile, Hello - Just like that.

Hello to myself,

Will you not forget me, who used to dream?

Will you still lose me, a fact that never changed... ...

    

All questions but no answers... ...I guess I have to wait to find out.

Growing Up & Drifting Apart

A day before Valentine's Day...but I don't have a valentine.

The second last day of the Lunar New Year...but nothing has changed.

Growing up can be both a good thing and bad thing, but I can only see the pessimistic side of it. Sure, the good part of growing up leaves memories of happy yesterdays, more friendships, gives you more freedom and independence...supposedly. But these optimistic things don't leave as lasting as impression as the negative ones. Positive things come and goes away after its joy is done. Negative things leave a mark and scar behind that is hard to erase and forget. 

Growing up comes with more responsibilities. no wonder they say life is fair in some ways. When you are young, you have the energy and time to do things you want, but you don't have the capital to do so. As a working adult, you have the capital and energy, what you are missing is the time. At the last stage of your life, what you are left with is the capital and the remaining time you have left, bit the lack of energy to do anything or everything. Life gives us fair treatment when it comes to making things hard at every stage of your life. 

Now, I've grown up a bit, to the stage where you are earning some money and a little freedom to do things you want. Just a little independence, my life is still controlled by the people with higher stages in life. So that's the thing. You are doing the things you want, you end up spending more time alone and thinking. You have started working from dawn to dusk, to earn enough capital to grant both your wishes and materialistic wants. You are happy when you get what you want, but in the process of it, you are losing the things that you already have and need. Drifting away from your family and friends as you pursue a goal. Gain a goal, lose a friend. In the midst of your great pursuit, you spent less time in relationships, and then it breaks and fall apart. 

Yup, I've started working. I spent lesser time at home, only to see them at dinner, or if I'm lucky, a glimpse of them in the morning. I can feel the relationship and communication within the family is being strained, with more conflicts, misunderstandings and quarrels, as each of us chase our supposed dreams of life. My friends and I hardly meet up anymore, we hardly even have the time to text each other a simple 'how are you', let alone to reply a message wholeheartedly. 

A single world, a single you, a single life.

Leave it to the fullest, you only live once.

But the simple and inescapable act of growing up destroys it all... ...

Growing Up & Hurting

New Year has come and go.

Even the Lunar New Year has left its mark of red packets, goodies and... sore throats.

Second by second, times flies past.

Days by days, they cannot be unwind.

Months by months, you are always getting older with every breath and step you take.

Age isn't just a number. It is a number that keeps on increasing and doesn't stop. Growing up into independence, into maturity, to be part of a future that one always look forward to. But growing up isn't always a good thing. The older you get, the more responsibilities you have to uphold. You need to be more mature, you cannot show your inner child self. More faults can be placed on you, and you have little or no choice but to shoulder the heavy burden of them.

The older you become, the more things you would have feel and experience. The sweet rainbows of life, the fiery passion of both love and dreams, to the darkest and deepest pits of hurt, failure and remorse. With each experience, we are wounded, healed and then scarred again. Sometimes even before the previous cuts and wounds have been stitched, another has been engraved into your heart, bolder and deeper than before. The older you get the more hurt you face. Your heart has been cut by words and wounded with hurt so much that no matter how much you stitch it back up, it can no longer regain its shape. 

So there sits my heart beating softly and slowly, afraid of the world. A heart, no longer its shape, filled with scars cut too deeply by my very own loved and trusted ones. Beat by beat, its growing tired of stitching itself up. It is growing older and loses power to fight back. A heart, no longer a heart, to feel, to love, to be happy... 

Why grow up only to be hurt?

I don't want to grow up, but hurt still comes my way.

Being the Odd Itself...

My first entry of the not-so-new year. Well, I'm suppose to start the new year on a fresh and positive note, but some things can't be helped, some things cannot change even across the years. Yup, so here's another side of the seemingly optimistic me.

Against all odds. Why do we say that? To push ourselves on, to inspire others to overcome their barriers and difficulties they face? Why not against all evens? Why must we go against the poor odd one out, the lonely independent party that has been left out of the evens, making its life worse that it is actually is? Is there really no mercy in this world for the people who are left to stand alone? No help given to the one that cannot fit in and not adapt to the world?

To go against all odds, to overcome your hardships, to climb every barriers placed in life, never giving up. What happens if you are the odd itself? Everyone is going against you, trying to climb over you and push you out of their life. They all surpass you, and some go pass unimaginable heights by just making use of you as a stepping stone, leaving you flattened and giving you no opportunity to stand up. However, as an odd, even with the strength to stand up, there is no way you can go against yourself fully. You will only be trampled on again, and collapsing with just your own weight, pulling you down to the lowest of all levels.

The odd against the evens. 
Two is better than one, the evens always wins.

The world has a common inspiration, Against All Odds.

But it turns out, I am an odd itself.

It's me against the world, me, myself and I, no one else.

Everlasting Conflicts...

Many things will be coming to an end today.

It's the end of 2013, lets welcome 2014 with open arms.

It's the end of my teen years too, goodbye to the young me.

But why doesn't conflicts come to an end too? Why do they keep on happening and last for a very long time? End of year, end of conflicts, it makes sense this way right? But even with so close to the finishing days of 2013, conflicts still appear and occur, they don't disappear. They stay in your life forever, you will always encounter them.

These conflicts, I don't want them to happen, but yet they do. No matter how hard you try to prevent them, they occur again and again, and you will always bump into them. I don't want to be part of it, and I don't want to be out of it as I have to be the middle person, the mediator. I don't want to know about it, don't get me involved. 

Just in the last week of 2013, there has been 2 conflicts, one within the family and one between my friends of 3 years. And sadly, both are still on going, no where near their end. In fact, it is getting more worse day by day as the conflicting parties further add to the fury of arguments, not wanting to give in. For both, I'm the middle party, the one that has to deal with both ends, I find that this is more difficult and irritating than being in a conflict. You have to deal with the tension in between, and always be wary, because at any time, either or both party might flare up and you will have to listen to them rattle on on how much they dislike one another. You will have to live with that feeling that something has to be done, but you don't know what to do. There are times where you are put in hot soup and loses at both ends as they find out you are in contact with their enemy. 

Some of these conflicts, you have been seeing them for so long, so much that you keep asking yourself when is it going to end. When? After today? Next year end? 

Ends come and go, leaving you to say goodbye to your past.

But why can't we wave goodbye to conflicts too?

Part of the Future

Another Christmas eve. I've realized, as you get older, the spirit of Christmas dies with you. What happen to those child like Christmas songs we used to sing? The Christmas trees and the colorfully wrapped presents underneath it? Santa will give out his presents tonight to the children on the nice list. Dear Santa, instead of giving presents could you give me answers?

A year is coming to an end, and a new start is arriving.

But I have no idea what the new year brings, what my resolutions are and I have no plans.

A part of the learning path has been covered, finished and put aside.

All is left is the determining results which can both crush and liven your dreams.

A step out to the world has been taken, a step that can never be forgotten.

But it is just one step, no more no, less, and I have no courage to take another.

A route for the near future days have been made, and there is no use regretting.

But is the route what I really want? Is it worth taking? Or is it one that I will regret from the start?

So many questions, so many new experiences, so many confused and clueless emotions within me. Am I already working for the future? Am I already part of my future, or is it just the future of yesterdays? What am I supposed to do or be in my future? Is it really up to me to decide, or there is really no such thing as choosing your future? 

There is one thing for sure, working is definitely going to be both part of the present and in the future. Whether is it to earn a living, for the experience or having no choice to, it has to be done. So I've started trying it out, I've started working part time. My first time in the outside world, my first time earning my own money. Well, there is a first time for everything, and first times are not always pleasant. 

The working life seems like a mundane and boring one. You wake up early, do a morning routine, get to the workplace, and do the tasks given to you. Then, the most interesting thing of the day will happen, Lunch Break! After which, you carry on with your work, bid goodbye and return home. So many usual happenings, so many routines repeating day after day, that it gets boring and you lose the meaning of fun, smiles and even the meaning of life itself. There are no longer smiles on the faces of the people, no eagerness to start a new day of work. The unhappy souls I meet on the public transport dampens my mood on my way to work, Try to be cheerful, I smile, only to get glares and numerous 'are you crazy' looks of the other commuters. 

So this is really part of the future, part of the unhappiness you cannot escape from. You have to be part of it, before you can be accepted as a part of the society, as part of the future.

Towards an Uncertain Future... ...

10 more days to an ending I'm so looking forward to...

10 more days to a finished battle after 3 long years...

10 more days to a landing after a long educational flight..

10 more days to finish this part of the marathon of life...

Just a mere 10 more days, press on! Don't lose focus!

But this isn't an end. There is still more to come, more success, more failures and more obstacles. Life, as many has described, is a marathon till your last day. In each part of the marathon of life, you have up slopes and down hills. Different people will pass by you throughout the race. Some leaves a lasting impression on you, while some run with you and cheer you on. Some people outshine and raced past you, while others drag you down. Sometimes if you slow down, you can be trampled on until you find the sufficient strength to carry on. Life always throws the unexpected at you. You never know what it has installed for you till it becomes the present or past. One can't exactly plan life out. One can't exactly plan for the future. Nobody knows what the future brings.

So why are we preparing so much for the future when we don't know what is going to happen? Why are we taking an uncountable amount of tests and examinations when we don't know what we are going to be or do in the future? Th tremendous amount of effort, the extremity of the obstacles that we go through, the buckets of tears and sweat poured out in this process may all end up in an overwhelming disappointment. The greater the amount of hare work we put in, the more disappointed we will be when failure comes crashing straight into you.

Sure, the positive planners will argue that these obstacles gear you up for the future. But what if what you are doing and learning presently isn't want you really want and nothing part of your future? Won't you be doing everything for nothing? But are placed in a position where you cannot not do it. It's part of the system, part of the way of life, part of the route that you have regrettably started on and there's no turning back now. The only thing you could do is to continue with it and try to fall in love with what you are doing, or start afresh after this part of the marathon is over, making your race of life a much longer one.

10 days to a significant end, but is it part of the future?

IRONY in Life

The word irony is used to convey a meaning that is opposite of its literal meaning. That's the dictionary definition. 

Life is so full of ironies that it forms an endless list. You would expect this outcome to happen, but in reality, the opposite happens. You can work hard for something, but you will get a contrasting result, in which many times it is a failure. You can have a planned dream, but many of the times, it is being shattered by reality. So who created irony? Why create ironies in life, making it so hard to live and bear? Why make things so negative and unexpected? Why? 

But thinking about it, isn't the ironies created by us, by oneself, due to our fickle-minded nature? You can decide to do things, then not do it again, and expect the outcome to be the same, to what you thought it would be if you have done it. You can do things for a certain reason, yet in the end the reason is invalid and isn't important anymore. You can make friends and strengthen relationships that you treasure over text messages or through games. when come to face-to-face conversations, one expects the conversation to be more comfortable and easy, but in reality, it became more awkward and there's nothing to say to each other. 

Here's one irony in my life.
I've set up this blog for various reasons. 
Firstly, I needed to let things out. Sure I could find someone to talk to, but I'm terrible at speaking and finding words to explain how I feel. I can't talk face to face with people, I will be at a loss at what to say to that person, no matter how close or understanding the person is to me. By telling them what the real me is, I feel insecure  I feel too exposed and vulnerable. Can I really trust this person? Will he blackmail me with my truths?
Secondly, I am wary of how people view me. With me telling them how I really feel, will they judge me? Will they think I'm just an emotional brat who can't control her emotions? Or someone who thinks too much and easily influenced by others? 
Thirdly and lastly, I've given up on writing a diary. Not because I'm too lazy to write, but due to certain busybodies in the house that refuses to give me my personal space and read my diary entries secretly. So this 'online diary' is safer. They don't even know I have a blog, any more do they know the random URL I've created to access this. And for readers outside the people I know, they don't know me, and I won't get affected by their views.  

So here's the thing. I've create this blog for not letting people know the real me. But recently, I have the urge to tell people about my blog. Ironic isn't it? I'm scared of people knowing the real me and my feelings, but yet I want someone to know about this. I want them to read and understand me. Should I? Or not? But will they change their view of the quiet me? 

Irony, I've placed it in my life myself.

That's the thing... ...

That's the thing about stress. They build up pressure way past exploding point.

That's the thing about failures. They make you more depressed than you already are.

That's the thing about losing yourself. You don't know what's the real you.

That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

That's the thing about reality. It slaps you and shatters your dreams.

That's the thing about me. I want to give up and runaway, but I can't.

Sometimes such circumstances start running straight into your life and you can't avoid it. No matter how hard you try, it comes back face to face with you. Going round it won't help. Climbing over it doesn't help either. The only way is to go head first into it, even if you are not prepared. I am failing over and over again at the same spot, sometimes even falling backwards to a spot further away. I've tried getting a head-start running through the obstacle, but all I get is blisters from running. I've tried numerous plans to get through it, but one by one they fail, causing me to fall backwards further than I already am.

I want to give, drop everything and let go of it. Is going through this obstacle necessary? It is even beneficial? Can I please stop now? I'm drained, lifeless, unfocused and am no longer useful. 

That's the thing about life. We can't escape from it at all.