Dealing with unfamilarity

Hello my old friend.

It's been so long since I've written anything for myself. Almost a year of not being here makes it feel uncomfortably unfamiliar. What started as a dumping ground for emotions became something I was proud off. Personally, I'm quite amazed at what I had written, the links made between my emotions to something common in day to day life.

Looking back at many of my posts, I still could relate to them. I could recall the events that had taken place and spurred me to write them. I could understand them. This is how me communicate with me. The inner voice of me talking to myself, struggling to make sense of the complex world of emotions.

It has been increasingly difficult to listen to my inner voice recently.
When was the last time I sat down and asked myself how I was feeling?
What event had evoked unexplainable emotions within that I needed to unpack?
Who could I turn to help me unlock a door without a key?

Just today, a question was asked.
If you could master a skill, what skill would that be?

After some thought, my answer was effective communication.

But how do I communicate with others?
I am finding it extremely difficult to communicate with myself, let alone with others.
The feeling of nervousness and messiness are apparent when I try to make a point. Trying to verbalise ideas and thought processes always fails. 

My only consolation is ... ... I wasn't the only one who said that.

⚖ Creaky Seesaw

I sat gingerly at the end of the wooden plank. I'm afraid, with a little movement, there would be chaos and equilibrium would be disturbed. Any sudden weight shift would cause the seesaw to move and creak in this deafening silence. A minute creak sounded, echos and engraved in my mind incessantly.  

I watched in dismay, as a single dandelion seed flittered and landed on the opposite end of the seesaw. 

Will it affect the current balance that is peaceful and stagnant?
Will it cause me to lose my balance and fall off? 
Will it affect the equilibrium in my life and cause uncertainty?

The seed of the dandelion gently rests on the other end of the wooden plank I was on, putting down its full weight amid its fluff of white.

One second, two seconds, three seconds...
There wasn't any movement or creaks in the seesaw.

In this seesaw universe, the weight of a single dandelion seed makes no difference. The seesaw's balance isn't thrown off by it, it isn't affected. Unlike me, any shifts in my weight have caused the seesaw to creak unbearingly. I can make a difference in this universe, my actions will affect it. I'm somebody in this universe. The seesaw universe, is just me and the dandelion seed. It's the universe of me, myself and I. I have the ability to make the seesaw creak and lose its balance. It's within my control

But...
On a greater scale, the seesaw universe is just a speck in the bigger universe. 
No one will heed any attention to it, if the seesaw creaks or moves up and down. The outside world is oblivious to this, it doesn't care. Why should it? The ups and downs of the seesaw aren't going to affect this larger universe.

Everything else, in life's universe, it isn't within my reach.

Once again, I've broken promises to myself, by not writing once a month.
I've tried, I really did, but...it just didn't happen...

🍁 Changing seasons

The leaves are falling, 
Falling as if from far above.
Yellow, browns and orange hues,
Withering leaves and sprouting mushrooms.
This autumn has come too soon.

We are all falling,
Just like the leaves in the breeze.
At mercy of of each hustle and rustle,
Falling with a glide or a thud,
The seasons are changing too soon.

It will not always be like this,
The wind in my mind echos at me.
Once the tale of falling leaves is over,
Frost and chills will come.
Only then flowers will peek and bloom.

Counting the falling leaves,
And with each leaf holds a memory.
From the days' chores and thoughts,
To the warmth of the heated summer.
This season was gone too soon.

An entry of random musings for this month.
Honestly, my thoughts and emotions are still in a mess this month with all the happenings. I don't know what I'm feeeling anymore. Am I still in denial? Or have I accepted the fact that the chilly season had come too early? 
What season am I living in now? 

Also, I wonder what it really is like in Autumn. I've always said this was my favourite season, but I have never experienced it before. I really love the colours of Autumn, the falling leaves and the gentle breeze, at least that is what I imagined. Fall fashion, spiced lattes and pumpkin pies, I want to experience it at least once.

Oh wells, I will need to survive through these seasons of happenings and sea of emotions before I can experience anything.

🗨 Recollecting silent thoughts 💬

It has been a year, hasnt it?

An entire year since a new chapter of life has begun.

An entire year since I decided to 'grow up' and step outside.

An entire year since I tried making myself useful.

A little more than a year has past, many things have changed. From new experiences to people met and brefriended, many of which could not be fortold the year before. I've never thought I would 'grow' so much within a year, from leading a stagnent life to one now full of ups and downs.

Mistakes made, lessons learnt, are all these really neccessary?
The me from the past have been altered, weakened and sharpened like a well-used tool. I think I've grown to become more open and somewhat noisier, but many might want to differ. 

More recently, I find myself in situations where my brain to mouth filter just shuts off. The words that come out are sometimes spiteful and unforgiving. Many of the times I regret what I say after the words leave my mouth. Why do I not think before I speak? What on earth am I saying? Who am I to say anything? With so many of such instances, I really want to revert back to my slightly quieter self from a year ago.

Deep down, I know I'm still just me. 
The timid me who is still afraid of public speaking.
The fearful me who is afraid of hurting others.
The clueless me who still needs a guiding light out of the dark.

It has been awhile since I last posted. I've been breaking promises made to myself lately, and not making time for myself. Self-care is important, but I have not spend time on myself. 

Life... has been tiring.

Sometimes I do miss the stagnancy from one year before.

Down the rabbit hole 🐇

I am not a white rabbit, 
And neither am I Alice.
I do wish I live in a fairy tale,
With everything both real and unreal,
Down the rabbit hole I go.

I wasn't chasing after anything, 
And neither was I searching.
Let's start chasing after our dreams, they said, 
Life goes on, it doesn't wait,
Down the rabbit hole I go.

There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel,
And neither was there a rabbit in sight.
Falling because I'm afraid of landing,
With a calm facade of just pretending.
Down the rabbit hole I go.

Let's go meet the Cheshire cat,
And have a cup of tea with the Mad Hatter.
Eating and drinking as I'm told so,
For I know there is room to grow,
Down the rabbit hole I go.

💬 Poetic Musings

The laundry pile is piling up,
As I stand at the edge of oblivion.
I could really just toss them into the wash.
But for now, it has been put on pause.

If only life was as easy to handle as a pile of laundry, 
It builds up and up when nothing is done.
But after a quick load or two it shrinks back down.
And all is left is the warm smell of clean linen and an empty basket.

Exhaustion takes a hold of me,
A suffocating headache and half-lidded eyes.
Getting up to stretch and yawn once more,
And begrudgingly having to face what's in store.

My eyes burn from staring at the screen.
There is so much that I need to complete.
A piling pile and a never-ending heap,
There would only be so much that I can handle.

An End of Year Goal 🎊

2021 is ending, the year is fast approaching its end.
In less than a week, 2021 will soon be over, and hello to 2022.
A new year is inching closer day by day and I'm not prepared for it.

Have I met my goals I've set?
What are my achievements and challenges faced this year?
Where do I want to go from here?

I didn't set any goals this year, did I?
I don't remember any of them, if I did set goals in the first place.

Someone asked me these questions recently.
What are my career goals?
What do I want to achieve next year?
What is the direction of my intended growth?

I drew a blank for a really very long while.
Silence.
I couldn't answer.

What do I want in life?
Who do I want to become?
Where would I see myself in the next five years?

I do realised I have been asking myself these questions quite often, even more so this year. My goals and dreams, I still don't know what they are. There is nothing that I am working towards currently, just towards milestones that are set by others. 

Personally, I feel like I've been living day by day, week by week, month by month and now the entire year is almost over. It is scary how time flies when one is busy. I have learnt alot, there is no denying that, but have I grown as a person?

So many unanswered questions.
Will I be able to answer them in the new year to come?
Will this be the new year's goal?

😭 Whines & Rants 😵

Remember the sinking ship from last month's post?

Good news, it has not fully sunk yet, it is a lost cause.

However, the feeling of impending doom is drawing closer.

My only consolation, as mean as it sounds, I won't be sinking alone.

The hull has holes, water is seeping in.

I try to patch it up as fast as I can, but cracks have been shattering my futile attempts.

The mast is being built, seemingly strong and tall.
But will it be able to stand?

The sail, thread by thread, it is painstakingly sewn.
A slow process it is, and the voyage date is drawing closer.

Recently, I keep getting overwhelmed. That feeling of not knowing where to start and what to do, it happens quite often. There are just too many things to be done. One by one, arrows are aimed and fired, and the to-do lists keeps getting longer. A slash of lightning comes out from nowhere, unexpected and catastrophic, burning plans and progress. The torrential rains isn't helping either, visions are blurred. The end, I can't see it anymore, it isn't within my reach. 

I know I am not in this alone, I know that there would be people backing me up, I know that people have great trust in me and believe that I can do it... ...

But I can't. 

It scares me how much faith they have in me.
You can do it, I've believe you can.
You are capable, I've heard good things about you.

Reality check. Those are painted white lies.

Those words, they are meant to to give me strength and confidence.
On the contrary, it stresses me out. I can't meet their expectations. I am just going to be a disappointment. Don't pin your hopes on me, I can't do it. It isn't a confidence issue. The more you tell me I can and that you believe in me, the stronger the overwhelming and more fearful it is.

I'm timid, weak and un-achieving. 

It feels like I'm drowning, gasping and crying for help.
In reality, I am just ranting, whining and giving excuses.

As much as I try to control it, I do loose my cool more frequently.

Maybe that is why I want to revert back to my quieter self.

🌊 Sailing a Sinking ship 🚣

Let's build a boat, they enthused, it's going to be fun.
A hull, mast, stern and sail, is there anything we missed out?
Don't worry, we can do this, we are all in it together.
After all, this boat is going to set sail with all of us on-board.

One by one, we left to do our parts.
The voyage date was set, and a timeline was planned.

I'm tasked to build the hull.
I won't be doing it alone, after all, the hull is the main body of the ship meant to hold everything together and stay afloat. It is a big task, but let's take it on. I have faith in you, and you have it in me, we will trust each other and carry on.

The "we" became a just "me".
One letter difference, but yet it is miles apart.
I don't trust me, myself or I. 

With no hull, there won't be any stern.
With no hull, there won't be a place for the mast to be planted on.
And with no mast, there won't be a place for the sail.

There is so many things being bottlenecked by the task that I need to do, alone.
I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can manage. I don't think I'm capable enough to have the entire crew's voyage pinning on my shoulders. It is too much for me to handle. I feel like I am drowning already, even before the ship hit the waters.

The ship needs to set sail regardless.

But what if I can't finish it in time?
But what if I can't mend the holes in the hull?
But what if I...

There isn't room for what ifs..
What needs to be done should be done, regardless.

🎐 Youth 🍃

I skipped a month, there goes my post-once-a-month streak. 
It was good while it lasted, but it was difficult to keep up.
I broke the promise I made to myself, as always.

Honestly, there is nothing much to write about recently. It has been quite routinely, nothing much out of the ordinary happened. At least, what needs to happen will and has happened. Nothing is going to stop the time, once it is gone, it's gone. 

And the sudden realisation hits.
My youth is ending.

Then again, the age range for youths differ from regions to regions. But it is still going to end, some sooner than others, but it will need to draw to a close, regardless. It's scary how time flies so quickly that another chapter has to close.

The chapter has to close, so that another can begin.

I've been questioning myself this recently.
What have I done in my youth? Is there anything memorable?
Did I live my youth to the fullest?
Be wild, crazy, young and free?

The answer to most, if not all of the questions above is negative.

Thinking back, I don't remember much or anything that I did that is worth mentioning. Sure, there are both happy and regretful moments, but that's about it? My youth is flying by quite uneventfully and quickly. There are many things that I want to do, but haven't done.

I want to try travelling solo. But the pandemic currently isn't helping.
I want to spend money on things that I want. But it's expensive now.
I want to be daring and independent. But I don't think I'm prepared.

I keeping finding excuses for myself. I will not be able to get anything done at this rate. I need to take the first step, be daring and just drive myself forward. A couple of years left, and that is it. I won't be considered young anymore.

이사 가자
정들었던 이곳과는 안녕
이사 가자
이제는 더 높은 곳으로

텅 빈 방에서 마지막 짐을 들고 나가려다가
잠시 돌아본다
울고 웃던 시간들아 이젠 안녕

- 이사 (Moving On), BTS

Translation (from doolset lyrics): 

Let's move. Goodbye to this place that we became attached to.
Let's move. Now to a higher place.

As taking the last box from the empty room,

I look back for a moment

Times when we laugh and cried, goodbye now

Monachopsis

Monachopsis (noun):
The subtle but persistent feeling out of place, like a seal on a beach.

Like a fish out of water.
Like a boat in a desert.
Like a giraffe in the ocean.

Side note: Giraffes can't swim, did you know that?

A complex word for an emotion that is difficult to describe.
I found this word in a list called "23 Emotions People Feel, But Can't Explain".
I guess, it can be explain now right?

I have felt this feeling of monachopsis for quite some time already, but I didn't address it. I mean, I didn't know how to. Having this feeling was like questioning my existence and the reason for being alive.  

Who am I?
What is my purpose?
Why am I here?

Is this me? Or am I acting?
Was I pretending to be someone I'm not just to fit in and live up to expectations?
I don't feel like me, but what does 'me' feel like?
Immature? Unmotivated? Shallow-minded?

I feel that I do not fit in, whether within my friends, colleagues,  and sometimes my family. I get that, we are different, but are we too different? It is getting increasingly difficult to hold a conversation, I'm horrible at that. I don't have things to talk about, life is pretty boring. I do want to talk, but I'm always afraid that I will come off as a childish and shallow-minded person. I'm too wary of how others view me, aren't I? It's unsettling.

It is nagging me at the back of my mind every time I meet with people, subtle but persistent, reminding me that I don't actually fit in.

That beneath this quiet shell of mine, is emptiness and loneliness. 

📅 Just Another Month

Once again, I am leaving it to the last couple of days of the month to write my monthly post. It is increasingly difficult to keep my promise of writing at least once a month.

Life has got busy ever since I started working last month, and it has been pretty uneventful. There wasn't anything that triggered me much for me to pour out my emotions on. I'm not complaining, but it is a little stagnant. Not because there is nothing to do, in fact there are a lot of things that needs to be done, but more so that my social life is quiet.

Is this what a working adult life is like?
Working on the weekdays, and supposedly relaxing on the weekends, but that does not usually happen. There are much chores to be done, many things to be completed, and responsibilities to hold. I cannot bring myself to stay in my room the whole day doing things to relax when there are things left undone. I need to help. I don't know how some can just sit by and watch the day go by without lifting a finger to help. Your off days are my off days too. Your days aren't any less precious then mine.

It has been ages since I've talked to others outside of work or family. I'm not that sociable of a person. Keeping silent is my way of preventing myself from saying something wrong. My brain to mouth filter usually fails.

Oh wells, I need to grow up and quit complaining.

Rambles...

📖 Starting a Chapter

Once again, I am leaving till the last couple of days of this month to write an entry.
However, this time around, I can say that I am genuinely busy.
I am busy filling the first page of a new chapter that has been empty for far too long.

It's like stepping out into a new world, afraid and don't know what to expect.

Everything is new, foreign and frightening. I just have to go head on and see where this brings me. I need to do this, not that I want to, but the responsibilities in life calls me. It keeps reminding me that I cannot escape from it forever. I need to get it done anyways, so why not now? I need to live on, for the sake of others, for the sake of myself. I'm ageing day by day, time isn't going to wait for me. If not now, then when?

I don't think I am good enough, I can't live up to expectations.
I don't think I will be able to cope with the fast paced society, no motivation.
I don't think I am suitable for this, it's going to be the end of me.

I don't think I will survive, leave me in my own bubble.

But I did.
For the past one and a half weeks at least.

I can't believe things are brightening up. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I am starting to see why people do this. Fulfilling? Maybe? I am still not too sure if I am doing the right thing and if it is really what I want to do. Well, it is a start, and the beginning it is always the toughest, so they say. I wonder how long would I be able to keep up.

The book spine has creased deeply from leaving it open for too long. The open page has been weathered and tattered, dog-eared and uncared for. 'Chapter' was scribbled across, now appearing faintly, with the number now blurred and unseen. After all, the book is boring and incomplete, there isn't much to read. A couple of false starts and cancelled scribbles are strewn across the page, evidence of the author's agony and a long writer's block.

But the chapter starts, somewhat timidly, at the bottom of the page.
Small and messy, it begins.

I feel useful.

I got a job.

🏡 A Little Dollhouse

Have you ever had that feeling, like a spark of joy that you never knew was there?
A little escape that you never knew you needed so badly?
Or the sense of 'let's do it' and go ahead without much thought?

Life has been quite stagnant, nothing interesting, nothing new. 

Aren't you too old to be playing with such toys? Grow up!
It is going to be an useless ornamental piece, collecting dust.
Isn't it such a waste of money? You need to start saving up.

I bought it anyways, it has been sitting in my shopping cart for far too long. Just a quick click, and I bought it. Was it impulse buying? Or did I just want to go against what people say?

A tiny miniature dollhouse, that what it is.
Fitting into a metal tin, no bigger or wider than my hand. 

I sat there fixing it, a little bit everyday.
And slightly over a week, I finished it. 

It draws me away from reality. Every time I sit down to have a look at it or fix another detail into it, I feel calm, relaxed and carefree. It isn't an emotion that I have felt in ages. How can something so miniature bring me so much joy and happiness. Not once did I complained about it being too small. Not once did I get irritated with the glue covering my fingers and making a sticky mess. Not once did I feel it was a chore to complete it.

Is this what doing something I really enjoy feels like?
For once, I feel the rising motivation to finish what I started and to do it well.

😕❓Who? What? When? Where?

Who am I?

A human. A girl. A person with feelings and emotions.

I mean, that's a given. But who am I really? I'm still not too sure. Do I have a place in society? Am I of any worth? What makes me, me? However, the hurtful truth is, it isn't important who am I. It is more critical to others to see what is the use of me. A label or a piece of paper decides how much you are worth. They don't have to meet you to valuate you. 

What do you see me as?

A friend, a foe or just an acquaintance?
I'm sure I have taken on many characters, good or bad. I know that I have behaved differently, depending on the time and people I am with. I hoped I have left a good impression on someone, or somewhere out there they see me in a positive light. It's not important how others see you, that is what I always remind myself; I still let it bother me. I'm mindful of what others think of me, first impressions and all. It is tiring to upkeep a facade and to be perpetually mindful of the way I act outside. 

When do you think of me?
Do you remember me as much as I do of you? Occasionally? Or not at all? 

I think, I reminiscent, and sometimes I overthink. I like replaying little occasions and happy times in my head often. It keeps me sane and reminds me that I can be happy too. 

There I lay, 
As a society's toy.
Nothing special, nothing unique.
I watched as the clouds float by.
I hear my life tick away,
Waiting for someone to pick me up?

Where are you?
Where am I?

🌁 An Unpredictable Weather 🌀

A slight drizzle pitter-pattered onto my window pane, the sound barely audible. I paid no attention to it. The sun was still high up in the sky, although the air was slightly tinted with the smell of rain. It would soon passed, I presumed, nothing to worry about. A small trickle of rain means no harm, it keeps things alive and moving.

As quick as the drizzle came, the storm clouds brewed over, casting long dark shadows of forewarnings. The wind picked up speed, sending chills down my spine. Billowing through the open windows, the curtains fluttered helplessly, at mercy of the howling wind. The light pitter-patter was soon replaced by torrential beat of the heavy rain.

I stayed silent, I was not prepared for this. The thought of seeking shelter echoed in my mind. It would be much safer to, before the storm reached its peak. But I sat there unmoving, watching the impending storm unfold before me.

The lightning strike and pierced through the overcast sky. The thunder roared and yelled. Sheets of rain wiped away the carefully stacked barriers without hesitation, washing away everything in its path. 

Doors slammed, jolting the silent and unmoving statue of me. 

No one predicted a storm. It happened anyway.

No one expected a disaster. It's a mess.

It was a typhoon that torn us apart.

🚏 A Worrisome Ride 🚌

Avoiding puddles, I reached the bus stop, which was deserted. Maybe due to the chilly weather, the pavements were quieter than usual, with a lone person or two crossing the streets. The sky was slightly overcast, but I'm glad it wasn't raining as it has been for the past few days. From a distance, I spotted a green single decker bus approaching. Squinting through my foggy spectacles, I flagged it down after noticing the correct pixelated digits on the screen. The bus lazily strolled into the stop and stopped a couple of steps away from me.

I boarded the bus alone, for the first time in awhile. 

A little scared, and a little nervous, I never really liked spending time outside alone. The bus wasn't crowded, and I gladly plopped down into a row of empty seats, situating myself by the window. I could feel the cold rubber seat against my thighs, sending a wave coldness as I shivered unintentionally. Maybe I should have worn longer pants today.

Another chill came over me. A pinch of fear struck me.

There is an empty seat beside me. 

In the span of this estimated 40 minutes bus ride, will it be occupied? 

The bus continued on its' journey, not realising the fear of one of the few passengers on board. Calmly making its' way through the traffic lights and under the overhead bridges, a couple of stops were passed with minimal passengers alighting and boarding. The situation was beginning to look optimistic, in contrast to the slight drizzle and started unknowingly. I absentmindedly watched the family in the nearby car, silently celebrating the fact that the seat next to mine was still gleefully empty. Until... ...

That one certain stop arrived. I should have known, it wasn't my first time taking this route. A swarm of passengers boarded the bus, a couple of aged ones too. Seats were starting to fill up. The one behind me, across the aisle from me and even the standing bay was soon occupied. Are the ample seats remaining excluding the on next to me? Do I need to give up my seat?

Someone sat next to me.

I am sandwiched between her and the window. I reluctantly shifted myself closer to the window, subtly glancing at my neighbour. She didn't seem to care or mind. Fishing out her mobile phone from her handbag, she stayed glued to the screen. What if I needed to get off? I would have to speak up, won't I? I rather not. I really hoped she will alight off before I do. 

*Side note:

Another descriptive post, hopefully it is better this time around. Also, I managed to write a post for every month last year. I didn't skipped any months, and kept the promise that I made to myself, which I rarely do. I guess this is an achievement unlocked? I hope I will uphold this promise this year too.

🌅 Morning Musings 💤

The shrill sounds of my phone alarm jolted me out of my much needed sleep, accompanied by the vibration from somewhere near my pillow. Bleary eyes along with unspectacled vision, I groped around blindly in the darkness, finding the cause of my interrupted forty winks. The light blinded my eyes as I picked up the source of my irritation early in the morning. It is time to start another long day.

Shuffling my feet out of my safe haven, I called out to my furry companion, who too, begrudgingly removed himself from the floor and came towards the door. After a few warm hugs, and mumbled good mornings, we left the house for a walk. 

The chilly winds blew and greeted us, sending chills and messing up my unclipped hair. It was a cold and breezy morning, after the heavy downpour the night before. A lone jogger runs pass us.  It is still too early for me to function. I don't understand why would one wake up early on a Sunday morning. Side by side, we set off on a slow walk, stopping every now and then to sniff the grass and trees. 

A euphonious harmony of sounds could be heard, making this particular morning alive. The light foot steps of a runner and the squishy sounds of my slippers at half its' time as it slaps against the wet concrete pavement. Cheery birds chirping, in contrast to the dreary morning, were hopping in the grass, greeting the few people who are out and about. The sound of a kettle whistling, and the clink clanks of stirring teaspoons in coffee mugs could be heard in a distance. My stomach rumbles, I haven't eaten my breakfast.

A warm cup of earl grey tea and biscuits carefully balanced in my other hand as I settled at the table to have my breakfast. My fellow furry companion sits by my feet, looking earnestly for biscuits, pawing my feet every minute or so. Having 'accidently' dropping some bits and pieces, the 'evidence' was cleared within seconds.

Another day has begun.

*Side note:

I haven't written something as descriptive in awhile, it's kind of unfamiliar. Looking back at my previous posts, I realised I have the tendency to write in short stanzas and sentences. Trying to write differently in this post, about something more trivial. Life has been pretty stagnant lately, there isn't much to whine about. Anyways, this happened one Sunday morning, but I left it till now to write it out. 

✨ Caught in a Daydream ⛅

I can't seem to focus.
My mind always seem to be somewhere else.
In a daydream bubble where I'd stay,
A place so little and faraway,
A fluffy island to call my own.

Ignorance is indeed more appealing,
Than the madness from day to day.
It is like a heaven down on earth,
Where the worst is dispersed, 
Such a peaceful place filled with love.

I daydream about a hopeful day.
I daydream that I am not chasing a dying age.
I daydream that I won't be the only one daydreaming anymore.
Someday, I would see the other you.
And together, we could make this daydream true.

Staring into a distance,
I am here, but not really either.
Escaping the life maze,
And falling into a daze,
Caught in a daydream.

😖 AwKwArDness 😶😰

I'm awkwardly sitting there, not knowing what to say. There isn't much to say too. Give a slight smile and pretend to listen about the current topics at the table that I really do not have a clue about or any interest in. I try to put in a few words, but they don't hold any meaning. Sometimes they elicit a response. However, most of the time, it gains some awkward attention. Or at least it feels that way to me. 

Words are said and opinions are exchanged, the conversations have moved on. My mind remains stagnant. I guess it is better to stay muted. The lesser is spoken, there would be little chance of awkward moments. Put a mask and a filter on, unless you are spoken to, try not to speak.

Have you been in such situations? 

I do enjoy social gatherings, as much as I fear them.
I like the company of friends, going on food hunts and eating one too many desserts.
I want to go out more often, with people I have learn to trust and love.

But I don't speak much, or rather, I just do not know what to say. It is uncomfortable for a painfully introverted girl like me. It takes me ages to actually warm up to people, and even when I do, I tend to hide back in my shell. The quiet girl can get a little crazy too, they said. Being all friendly and smiling on the surface, but inwardly the heart beats speedily and the mind in a whirl. What should I say next? How do I reply? Just smile, awkwardly. 

Don't say too much.
Don't over analyse things.
Don't make it awkward.

But the word 'awkward' looks awkward... ...

I am an awkward girl.

🍳 A Disaster Recipe 💥

How am I feeling, you may ask.

To answer is a pretty difficult task.

For emotions are quite complex,

Enough to make me more than perplexed, 

So perhaps a recipe is needed to describe them.

Let's start with a big bowl of emptiness, 

Which I was hoping to fill with happiness.

But too much sugar isn't too good,

Just pour in a little to set the mood.

For after it is melted, it's hard to find. 

There's a pinch of 'what's going to happen next', 

Being folded subtly into the mix.

It's like excitement on Christmas day, 

In which to me it's just another day, 

Another day to live called tomorrow.

Pour in the cup of lukewarm discontentment, 

Together with a block of disappointment.

Whisked them together till well combined,

Until the peaks of life are well-defined,

But be quick or they will collapse anytime.

Add a dash of heated anger to the mix. 

Be careful to make sure it doesn't get burn to crisp.

If there is just slightly more than needed, 

This recipe is one where I will be defeated.

It's a dangerous game of trial and error.

🔎 Finding Excuses

Leaving it till the last week of August to do a post. I had the intention of doing it last week, but I just couldn't find the energy of thought to write anything out. 

There isn't much to write about anyways, life has been pretty stagnant recently. I been getting the feeling of needing to do something different, something for myself, and get a grip to move on in life. The thought is there, but the motivation isn't.

It has also been increasingly difficult to put my personal thoughts and feelings into words. Maybe it is because there really nothing to write about. My life, It's boring, predictable and unhappening. I guess an uneventful time is a calm one. 

But there are still much to complain about.

I keeping finding excuses, for both myself and others.

Excuses to just answer my thoughts momentarily.

Excuses to just explain the circumstance and happenings.

Excuses to just please myself, and not do anything about it.

I keep telling myself excuses.

They're throwing tantrums, because they're stressed out about school. It's alright.

They're being mean and moody, because it is their final year at school. It's crazy and hectic. I've been there too, I should understand that better than anyone else. 

They're lashing out at others, because stepping out into society is scary and pretty harsh. It's normal to be afraid. 

They're being self-centered and uncaring, because... ... what?

I'm tired of finding excuses for a behaviour to pacify myself, that hey, it's okay, it's reasonable, just deal with it and get over it. It's tiring to cope with the excuses that I find, they are just there for me to feel like there is a reason for everything that is happening and that I should just live with it. There are only that many excuses one can find before reaching a bursting point.

I want to excuse myself from life.

🗿 A sunken stone 😑

My eyes are glistening, are they not?

I think I just yawned. 

Maybe I've got something in my eye. 

It's just that my eyes are dry.

Hence, the glitter sparkles in my eyes.

I want to be able to give an excuse. 

I want them to come, I want to just cry out.

But they won't come, the tears don't come.

I've been so out of contact with my own emotions that I do not know what to feel anymore. Happiness? Resentment? Sadness? What are they and where have they been? Is this the effect of being stoned face and hiding you true feelings a couple of times? Has it become a habit?

Even when I feel down, I always tell myself, tomorrow is a new day, everything will be better after a night of fitful sleep. I will wake up the next day and pretend yesterday didn't happen, just continue on with life. There is something new and exciting that will come within a new day or the next.

But it's a different story now.

Every morning, I don't want to leave my bed. I reluctantly tear the safety cocoon of my blanket and dread the day. I don't want to get through another day of discomfort, resentment, disappointment and other negative thoughts. 

I wished for a clear blue sky, not an overcast one.

I wished for a bright sunny day, not one with torrential rain and storms. 

I wished for free flying birds, not caged ones.

Go get a proper job and built your life and retirement fund. 

You need to get experience, and be part of the society outside.

Haven't you been resting enough?

But a sudden thought crashes through  my head. 

What if I don't live till retirement age? 

I need to get these morbid thoughts out of my mind. 

It's suffocating. 

But my expression does not change. 

A rainy night ⛈

If there was a one-way ticket to go anywhere, 
Would you sell it, give it, or go for it?
To fly across the seven seas.
Where would you go? Who would you be?
Just to escape from this fall.

Maybe I have been indoors for too long.
The warm sunlight and the cool breeze that I used to like, 
I've forgotten how to enjoy them.
Although they are gentle, 
It slaps me back to reality.

I sit here in the darkness of my room.
I'm existing, within these four walls of comfort. 
Getting up and moving seems too much of a hassle, 
But I still do anyways, 
Just won't be getting too far.

The path needed to be taken seems like a marathon.
Rain pitter-patters against the flooring.
I really do need to shut that window.
A meek slam and it is closed, 
The door to the outside world.

My breath fogs into the cool glass, 
As I see my reflection, vaguely.
I am still me, aren't I?
Lightning flashes across the overcast sky, 
Shattering my reflection.

🔖 Book Review #01

Title: Kitchen (キッチン) 
Author: Banana Yoshimoto
(Includes the novella entitled Moonlight Shadow)

The book consists of 3 parts, with the first 2 parts, Kitchen and Full Moon, as one tale, and Moonlight Shadow as another tale.

In the first tale, Mikage, a young woman, struggles to deal with the grief of losing her grandmother. After her passing, she moves in with her grandmother's friend from the florist, Yuichi, and his transgender mother, Eriko. Eventually, she grows closer to them, and becomes part of their family. Soon after, she finds a new job as a culinary teacher's assistant, and has to move out. 

Things turn for the worse when Eriko died. She tried to support Yuichi, just like they did when she first moved in with them. Both got closer, feeling developed, but Mikage was reluctant to face her feelings in this time of grief. She goes away once again for work, chance upon a restaurant serving delicious katsudon, and decides to bring it to him.

And yes, the description of the said katsudon made me craved for one.

"Good quality meat, excellent broth, the eggs and onions handles beautifully, the rice with just the right degree of firmness to hold up the broth-it was flawless." 

In the second tale, Moonlight Shadow, Satsuki loses her boyfriend, Hitoshi, in an accident. She deals with grief by doing things out of the ordinary for her, going for late night walks and early morning runs. On one of her sleepless morning out, she meets Urara, a strange woman, on the same bridge she and Hitoshi last saw each other on. Urara introduces her a mystical experience, termed "The Weaver Festival Phenomenon", in hopes that she too, will be able to overcome their collective grief. 

Both stories explore the nature of loneliness, the pain of losing someone and how each deal with grief in their own way, with the help of healing companionship. 

There's something about reading translated works of Japanese authors, the language used most of the time is simple, yet narrative, and implying full depth of meaning with just a few simple words.

Here are my favourite moments and quotes from both tales.

"To the extent that I had come to understand that despair does not necessarily result in annihilation, that one can go on as usual in spite of it, I had become hardened. Was that what it means to be an adult, to live with ugly ambiguities? I didn't like it, but it made it easier to go on."

- Kitchen

"The pretty scene was brimming with life, but my soul was pinning for the desolate streets of winter."

- Moonlight Shadow

Not the most happy quotes, but the truths of them hits me hard.

*Side note:

Instead of just ranting like I would usually do, I decided to do something more...sophisticated?

How hard is it to write a book review?

I mean, I have done a lot of book reviews in the past, as a kid, just to attain a "good reader badge". Collected them all, at every grade in school.

Shouldn't be that eventful, or so I thought.

It has been proving more difficult that I thought it would be.

Firstly, before writing it, a book needs to be read finished with some understanding.

Starting the book isn't an issue, it is finishing it.

I can't seem to focus.

💣Silent Chaos 🎇

What is today suppose to be?

I am losing track of the dates and day.

Everyday feels the same, play, pause, rewind. 

Communication is key, isn't it?

At least that's what was mentioned.

I used to think communication was the key, until I realised what comprehension is. Try communicating all you want with someone, but if they don't understand you, it's pointless. Words fall on deaf ears, it is as if you are talking to a wall. But even some walls echo back the words heard. At least, it's being heard, somewhat.

Speaking your mind doesn't kill right?

But why do I get shot for speaking?

The most pathetic feeling is when you get in a fight with someone because you expressed what made you feel upset and irritated. Instead of apologising, they find a way to make you feel even worse about it and you are left regretting saying anything at all. I should have just kept silent.

Should I just not say anything at all?

I wish for adventure, or at least something to look forward to.

I wish for peace and harmony, not obliviousness.

I wish for silence, not silent chaos.

Sometimes a whisper is louder than a shout.

But I can barely hear myself, mumbles.

My words are only too loud when they don't hear above their din.

Just a month more...

Maybe slightly more than a month, who knows.

I gave up counting.

Zero o'clock 🕛

23:59:00
It's already coming to the end of the day.
How has your day been?

23:59:05
It is the last minute of the day, what are you up to?
Have you washed up and preparing to sleep?
Or perhaps, maybe already catching the much needed forty winks?

23:59:17
It seems so long ago that this minute past by without me realising.
Clickety-clacks of the keyboard and the buzz of the hand phone.
The cacophony of sounds in a panicky rush to meet deadlines.

23:59:38
Time seemed to pass so fast then.
Within a blink of an eye, it was already the next day.
But not anymore.

23:59:45
Just a mere 15 seconds more.
One minute is sure along time.
Alot of things can happen before tomorrow comes.

23:59:51
Plenty of things can change.
A drop in the temperature, a loss of a strand of hair.
I watch as a fly gets trapped in a web, unable to escape.

23:59:56
But what if this was the last minute of your life?

23:59:58
Silence.

23:59:59
I sat there and stared, as the minute and second hand overlaps.

00:00:00
Is it today, tomorrow, or yesterday?
Let me check.

... ... I'm still breathing.

Don't give me your attitude

I'm honestly sick and tired of your nonsense.

I've had enough.

Don't test my patience any longer.

Time and time again, I have let bygones be bygones.

Trying to keep my cool, I tolerated and pretended like nothing has happened.

But you have to throw your sass into my face once again.

You said you want to be treated like an adult. Then act like one!

You find the most childish and trivial things to argue and fight with. Every little event that goes against you, you blame others for the misfortune. It is never ever your fault. You are always right. You always seem to feel that you need to put others down back into their places and you think highly about yourself.

You said you want to take care of the environment. Why don't you take care of yourself first. You rather save the chickens and be all high up about ethical farming, and starve yourself till you get an unhealthy stomach and make others worry about you. Heck it, you don't even take your meals properly and you call yourself a functional adult. 

You said we don't care about you. But you just don't see it.

Multiple times I've tried to be the caring older sister and strike a conversation with you. 

How was your day? Where are you headed to? Have you eaten?

All these harmless questions just to ask about your well-being, and you shot them down.

Why do you care?

And then when I give up asking, you say you don't act like an older sister and you don't care about me. 

It hurts a lot honestly, a lot.

It makes it seem I am no good as someone older, that I am unworthy to be in your sight.

I've tried and I want to keep trying to salvage it.

But I am tired of your attitude.

Anyways, beside the rants... ...

A milestone reached! 

My 100th blog post!

Seems like it has taken me awhile.

This is my first and only blog so far, and I've kept it up and running since 2011. I'm so proud of myself for persevering on and living life. 

At least this ended on a positive note.

䷻ A Limit ≐

Everything has a limit.

A speed limit when driving on the road, to make things safe.

A tolerance limit when drinking, before going tipsy.

A limit to how much something can be stretched, before it snaps.

Some limits are higher than the others.

Some limits are worth breaking and going beyond it.

Some limits are meant to be kept and tolerated.

What's my limit?

I feel that I have reached my limit a couple of times already, and it is only the first month of the new year. I'm so close to screaming my head off and even swearing. It is so not me to lose my cool, especially when I am in public places. The ache and the tears, I choose not to show them, but they lose control anyways. I hate crying, it makes me a mess. I'm not weak, at least I don't want to appear to be. 

But you have pushed me to my limits, till I'm losing my calm and cool. 

I've tolerated long enough, all of us have.

You don't even seem to notice the tension in the air when you are around, do you?

You are an oblivious fool, an insensitive jerk with a lazy and commanding nature that irks everyone. Clean up after yourself for once, you have limbs for a reason, put them to good use. Thank you very much, but most of us are fine living without your help, if you didn't know.

Ugh. 

How am I going to survive till the end of the new decade? 

When I have had one too many, 

And am not writing coherently.

I need to stop trying, 

Trying to be deep and meaningful.

I shall give up. 

I've given up.

With maybe five shots, 

Definitely less than a bottle.

Just some alcohol somewhere,

Drowning in my system.

I'm not a poet.

I'm just a girl,

with too many thoughts, 

and not enough sense, 

To stop typing.

🌅 A Day Dedicated to Me 👧

With a few more days left in 2020, I feel the need to at least accomplish something that I always wanted to do and try. 

I have always wanted to go on a trip on my own, overseas, that is. 
However, there always seem to be restrictions and liabilities that I need to deal with. I wasn't "allowed" to venture far alone. I needed to "grow up" before finding an adventure. I couldn't bring myself to have fun alone, when others could tag along.

Since I can't go overseas, why not be a tourist in my own country? 
Sure, My home country is small, there isn't much to see, but the thought of spending a vast majority of the day on my own, outside and without anyone I know or recognised with me, is giving me thrills. It is exciting but nerve-wrecking, I haven't actually done this before.

Putting on my favourite socks, most comfortable shoes and my handy backpack, I set off with much vigour and worry, hoping this day would go well.

And it did.

I didn't have to take into account about the likes and interests of other people. 
I could just venture where my feet would take me, step by step.

I didn't have to wait on anyone or vice versa. 
I could spend time fully and slowly, no restrictions, no timetable to follow.

I didn't have to deal with mood swings and emotions of others.
I could take charge of the day based on my own emotions and thoughts.

It feels... ... free. Is this what freedom feels like?

But it does get lonely, especially during mealtimes. 

Coming back after a day of exploration, I question myself, why did I want to do this so badly? Have I learnt anything?

Was I exploring the sights, or was I exploring myself?

Was I doing this to desperately escaping the rising discomfort and tension at home?

Was I just attempting to leave the reality that I want to deny from so badly?

Maybe it wasn't about getting the permission to travel solo.

Maybe it wasn't about being "not allowed" to seek adventure.

Maybe it was just me ... ... feeling scared.