🌅 Morning Musings 💤

The shrill sounds of my phone alarm jolted me out of my much needed sleep, accompanied by the vibration from somewhere near my pillow. Bleary eyes along with unspectacled vision, I groped around blindly in the darkness, finding the cause of my interrupted forty winks. The light blinded my eyes as I picked up the source of my irritation early in the morning. It is time to start another long day.

Shuffling my feet out of my safe haven, I called out to my furry companion, who too, begrudgingly removed himself from the floor and came towards the door. After a few warm hugs, and mumbled good mornings, we left the house for a walk. 

The chilly winds blew and greeted us, sending chills and messing up my unclipped hair. It was a cold and breezy morning, after the heavy downpour the night before. A lone jogger runs pass us.  It is still too early for me to function. I don't understand why would one wake up early on a Sunday morning. Side by side, we set off on a slow walk, stopping every now and then to sniff the grass and trees. 

A euphonious harmony of sounds could be heard, making this particular morning alive. The light foot steps of a runner and the squishy sounds of my slippers at half its' time as it slaps against the wet concrete pavement. Cheery birds chirping, in contrast to the dreary morning, were hopping in the grass, greeting the few people who are out and about. The sound of a kettle whistling, and the clink clanks of stirring teaspoons in coffee mugs could be heard in a distance. My stomach rumbles, I haven't eaten my breakfast.

A warm cup of earl grey tea and biscuits carefully balanced in my other hand as I settled at the table to have my breakfast. My fellow furry companion sits by my feet, looking earnestly for biscuits, pawing my feet every minute or so. Having 'accidently' dropping some bits and pieces, the 'evidence' was cleared within seconds.

Another day has begun.

*Side note:

I haven't written something as descriptive in awhile, it's kind of unfamiliar. Looking back at my previous posts, I realised I have the tendency to write in short stanzas and sentences. Trying to write differently in this post, about something more trivial. Life has been pretty stagnant lately, there isn't much to whine about. Anyways, this happened one Sunday morning, but I left it till now to write it out. 

✨ Caught in a Daydream ⛅

I can't seem to focus.
My mind always seem to be somewhere else.
In a daydream bubble where I'd stay,
A place so little and faraway,
A fluffy island to call my own.

Ignorance is indeed more appealing,
Than the madness from day to day.
It is like a heaven down on earth,
Where the worst is dispersed, 
Such a peaceful place filled with love.

I daydream about a hopeful day.
I daydream that I am not chasing a dying age.
I daydream that I won't be the only one daydreaming anymore.
Someday, I would see the other you.
And together, we could make this daydream true.

Staring into a distance,
I am here, but not really either.
Escaping the life maze,
And falling into a daze,
Caught in a daydream.

😖 AwKwArDness 😶😰

I'm awkwardly sitting there, not knowing what to say. There isn't much to say too. Give a slight smile and pretend to listen about the current topics at the table that I really do not have a clue about or any interest in. I try to put in a few words, but they don't hold any meaning. Sometimes they elicit a response. However, most of the time, it gains some awkward attention. Or at least it feels that way to me. 

Words are said and opinions are exchanged, the conversations have moved on. My mind remains stagnant. I guess it is better to stay muted. The lesser is spoken, there would be little chance of awkward moments. Put a mask and a filter on, unless you are spoken to, try not to speak.

Have you been in such situations? 

I do enjoy social gatherings, as much as I fear them.
I like the company of friends, going on food hunts and eating one too many desserts.
I want to go out more often, with people I have learn to trust and love.

But I don't speak much, or rather, I just do not know what to say. It is uncomfortable for a painfully introverted girl like me. It takes me ages to actually warm up to people, and even when I do, I tend to hide back in my shell. The quiet girl can get a little crazy too, they said. Being all friendly and smiling on the surface, but inwardly the heart beats speedily and the mind in a whirl. What should I say next? How do I reply? Just smile, awkwardly. 

Don't say too much.
Don't over analyse things.
Don't make it awkward.

But the word 'awkward' looks awkward... ...

I am an awkward girl.

🍳 A Disaster Recipe 💥

How am I feeling, you may ask.

To answer is a pretty difficult task.

For emotions are quite complex,

Enough to make me more than perplexed, 

So perhaps a recipe is needed to describe them.

Let's start with a big bowl of emptiness, 

Which I was hoping to fill with happiness.

But too much sugar isn't too good,

Just pour in a little to set the mood.

For after it is melted, it's hard to find. 

There's a pinch of 'what's going to happen next', 

Being folded subtly into the mix.

It's like excitement on Christmas day, 

In which to me it's just another day, 

Another day to live called tomorrow.

Pour in the cup of lukewarm discontentment, 

Together with a block of disappointment.

Whisked them together till well combined,

Until the peaks of life are well-defined,

But be quick or they will collapse anytime.

Add a dash of heated anger to the mix. 

Be careful to make sure it doesn't get burn to crisp.

If there is just slightly more than needed, 

This recipe is one where I will be defeated.

It's a dangerous game of trial and error.

🔎 Finding Excuses

Leaving it till the last week of August to do a post. I had the intention of doing it last week, but I just couldn't find the energy of thought to write anything out. 

There isn't much to write about anyways, life has been pretty stagnant recently. I been getting the feeling of needing to do something different, something for myself, and get a grip to move on in life. The thought is there, but the motivation isn't.

It has also been increasingly difficult to put my personal thoughts and feelings into words. Maybe it is because there really nothing to write about. My life, It's boring, predictable and unhappening. I guess an uneventful time is a calm one. 

But there are still much to complain about.

I keeping finding excuses, for both myself and others.

Excuses to just answer my thoughts momentarily.

Excuses to just explain the circumstance and happenings.

Excuses to just please myself, and not do anything about it.

I keep telling myself excuses.

They're throwing tantrums, because they're stressed out about school. It's alright.

They're being mean and moody, because it is their final year at school. It's crazy and hectic. I've been there too, I should understand that better than anyone else. 

They're lashing out at others, because stepping out into society is scary and pretty harsh. It's normal to be afraid. 

They're being self-centered and uncaring, because... ... what?

I'm tired of finding excuses for a behaviour to pacify myself, that hey, it's okay, it's reasonable, just deal with it and get over it. It's tiring to cope with the excuses that I find, they are just there for me to feel like there is a reason for everything that is happening and that I should just live with it. There are only that many excuses one can find before reaching a bursting point.

I want to excuse myself from life.

🗿 A sunken stone 😑

My eyes are glistening, are they not?

I think I just yawned. 

Maybe I've got something in my eye. 

It's just that my eyes are dry.

Hence, the glitter sparkles in my eyes.

I want to be able to give an excuse. 

I want them to come, I want to just cry out.

But they won't come, the tears don't come.

I've been so out of contact with my own emotions that I do not know what to feel anymore. Happiness? Resentment? Sadness? What are they and where have they been? Is this the effect of being stoned face and hiding you true feelings a couple of times? Has it become a habit?

Even when I feel down, I always tell myself, tomorrow is a new day, everything will be better after a night of fitful sleep. I will wake up the next day and pretend yesterday didn't happen, just continue on with life. There is something new and exciting that will come within a new day or the next.

But it's a different story now.

Every morning, I don't want to leave my bed. I reluctantly tear the safety cocoon of my blanket and dread the day. I don't want to get through another day of discomfort, resentment, disappointment and other negative thoughts. 

I wished for a clear blue sky, not an overcast one.

I wished for a bright sunny day, not one with torrential rain and storms. 

I wished for free flying birds, not caged ones.

Go get a proper job and built your life and retirement fund. 

You need to get experience, and be part of the society outside.

Haven't you been resting enough?

But a sudden thought crashes through  my head. 

What if I don't live till retirement age? 

I need to get these morbid thoughts out of my mind. 

It's suffocating. 

But my expression does not change. 

A rainy night ⛈

If there was a one-way ticket to go anywhere, 
Would you sell it, give it, or go for it?
To fly across the seven seas.
Where would you go? Who would you be?
Just to escape from this fall.

Maybe I have been indoors for too long.
The warm sunlight and the cool breeze that I used to like, 
I've forgotten how to enjoy them.
Although they are gentle, 
It slaps me back to reality.

I sit here in the darkness of my room.
I'm existing, within these four walls of comfort. 
Getting up and moving seems too much of a hassle, 
But I still do anyways, 
Just won't be getting too far.

The path needed to be taken seems like a marathon.
Rain pitter-patters against the flooring.
I really do need to shut that window.
A meek slam and it is closed, 
The door to the outside world.

My breath fogs into the cool glass, 
As I see my reflection, vaguely.
I am still me, aren't I?
Lightning flashes across the overcast sky, 
Shattering my reflection.

🔖 Book Review #01

Title: Kitchen (キッチン) 
Author: Banana Yoshimoto
(Includes the novella entitled Moonlight Shadow)

The book consists of 3 parts, with the first 2 parts, Kitchen and Full Moon, as one tale, and Moonlight Shadow as another tale.

In the first tale, Mikage, a young woman, struggles to deal with the grief of losing her grandmother. After her passing, she moves in with her grandmother's friend from the florist, Yuichi, and his transgender mother, Eriko. Eventually, she grows closer to them, and becomes part of their family. Soon after, she finds a new job as a culinary teacher's assistant, and has to move out. 

Things turn for the worse when Eriko died. She tried to support Yuichi, just like they did when she first moved in with them. Both got closer, feeling developed, but Mikage was reluctant to face her feelings in this time of grief. She goes away once again for work, chance upon a restaurant serving delicious katsudon, and decides to bring it to him.

And yes, the description of the said katsudon made me craved for one.

"Good quality meat, excellent broth, the eggs and onions handles beautifully, the rice with just the right degree of firmness to hold up the broth-it was flawless." 

In the second tale, Moonlight Shadow, Satsuki loses her boyfriend, Hitoshi, in an accident. She deals with grief by doing things out of the ordinary for her, going for late night walks and early morning runs. On one of her sleepless morning out, she meets Urara, a strange woman, on the same bridge she and Hitoshi last saw each other on. Urara introduces her a mystical experience, termed "The Weaver Festival Phenomenon", in hopes that she too, will be able to overcome their collective grief. 

Both stories explore the nature of loneliness, the pain of losing someone and how each deal with grief in their own way, with the help of healing companionship. 

There's something about reading translated works of Japanese authors, the language used most of the time is simple, yet narrative, and implying full depth of meaning with just a few simple words.

Here are my favourite moments and quotes from both tales.

"To the extent that I had come to understand that despair does not necessarily result in annihilation, that one can go on as usual in spite of it, I had become hardened. Was that what it means to be an adult, to live with ugly ambiguities? I didn't like it, but it made it easier to go on."

- Kitchen

"The pretty scene was brimming with life, but my soul was pinning for the desolate streets of winter."

- Moonlight Shadow

Not the most happy quotes, but the truths of them hits me hard.

*Side note:

Instead of just ranting like I would usually do, I decided to do something more...sophisticated?

How hard is it to write a book review?

I mean, I have done a lot of book reviews in the past, as a kid, just to attain a "good reader badge". Collected them all, at every grade in school.

Shouldn't be that eventful, or so I thought.

It has been proving more difficult that I thought it would be.

Firstly, before writing it, a book needs to be read finished with some understanding.

Starting the book isn't an issue, it is finishing it.

I can't seem to focus.

💣Silent Chaos 🎇

What is today suppose to be?

I am losing track of the dates and day.

Everyday feels the same, play, pause, rewind. 

Communication is key, isn't it?

At least that's what was mentioned.

I used to think communication was the key, until I realised what comprehension is. Try communicating all you want with someone, but if they don't understand you, it's pointless. Words fall on deaf ears, it is as if you are talking to a wall. But even some walls echo back the words heard. At least, it's being heard, somewhat.

Speaking your mind doesn't kill right?

But why do I get shot for speaking?

The most pathetic feeling is when you get in a fight with someone because you expressed what made you feel upset and irritated. Instead of apologising, they find a way to make you feel even worse about it and you are left regretting saying anything at all. I should have just kept silent.

Should I just not say anything at all?

I wish for adventure, or at least something to look forward to.

I wish for peace and harmony, not obliviousness.

I wish for silence, not silent chaos.

Sometimes a whisper is louder than a shout.

But I can barely hear myself, mumbles.

My words are only too loud when they don't hear above their din.

Just a month more...

Maybe slightly more than a month, who knows.

I gave up counting.

Zero o'clock 🕛

23:59:00
It's already coming to the end of the day.
How has your day been?

23:59:05
It is the last minute of the day, what are you up to?
Have you washed up and preparing to sleep?
Or perhaps, maybe already catching the much needed forty winks?

23:59:17
It seems so long ago that this minute past by without me realising.
Clickety-clacks of the keyboard and the buzz of the hand phone.
The cacophony of sounds in a panicky rush to meet deadlines.

23:59:38
Time seemed to pass so fast then.
Within a blink of an eye, it was already the next day.
But not anymore.

23:59:45
Just a mere 15 seconds more.
One minute is sure along time.
Alot of things can happen before tomorrow comes.

23:59:51
Plenty of things can change.
A drop in the temperature, a loss of a strand of hair.
I watch as a fly gets trapped in a web, unable to escape.

23:59:56
But what if this was the last minute of your life?

23:59:58
Silence.

23:59:59
I sat there and stared, as the minute and second hand overlaps.

00:00:00
Is it today, tomorrow, or yesterday?
Let me check.

... ... I'm still breathing.

Don't give me your attitude

I'm honestly sick and tired of your nonsense.

I've had enough.

Don't test my patience any longer.

Time and time again, I have let bygones be bygones.

Trying to keep my cool, I tolerated and pretended like nothing has happened.

But you have to throw your sass into my face once again.

You said you want to be treated like an adult. Then act like one!

You find the most childish and trivial things to argue and fight with. Every little event that goes against you, you blame others for the misfortune. It is never ever your fault. You are always right. You always seem to feel that you need to put others down back into their places and you think highly about yourself.

You said you want to take care of the environment. Why don't you take care of yourself first. You rather save the chickens and be all high up about ethical farming, and starve yourself till you get an unhealthy stomach and make others worry about you. Heck it, you don't even take your meals properly and you call yourself a functional adult. 

You said we don't care about you. But you just don't see it.

Multiple times I've tried to be the caring older sister and strike a conversation with you. 

How was your day? Where are you headed to? Have you eaten?

All these harmless questions just to ask about your well-being, and you shot them down.

Why do you care?

And then when I give up asking, you say you don't act like an older sister and you don't care about me. 

It hurts a lot honestly, a lot.

It makes it seem I am no good as someone older, that I am unworthy to be in your sight.

I've tried and I want to keep trying to salvage it.

But I am tired of your attitude.

Anyways, beside the rants... ...

A milestone reached! 

My 100th blog post!

Seems like it has taken me awhile.

This is my first and only blog so far, and I've kept it up and running since 2011. I'm so proud of myself for persevering on and living life. 

At least this ended on a positive note.

䷻ A Limit ≐

Everything has a limit.

A speed limit when driving on the road, to make things safe.

A tolerance limit when drinking, before going tipsy.

A limit to how much something can be stretched, before it snaps.

Some limits are higher than the others.

Some limits are worth breaking and going beyond it.

Some limits are meant to be kept and tolerated.

What's my limit?

I feel that I have reached my limit a couple of times already, and it is only the first month of the new year. I'm so close to screaming my head off and even swearing. It is so not me to lose my cool, especially when I am in public places. The ache and the tears, I choose not to show them, but they lose control anyways. I hate crying, it makes me a mess. I'm not weak, at least I don't want to appear to be. 

But you have pushed me to my limits, till I'm losing my calm and cool. 

I've tolerated long enough, all of us have.

You don't even seem to notice the tension in the air when you are around, do you?

You are an oblivious fool, an insensitive jerk with a lazy and commanding nature that irks everyone. Clean up after yourself for once, you have limbs for a reason, put them to good use. Thank you very much, but most of us are fine living without your help, if you didn't know.

Ugh. 

How am I going to survive till the end of the new decade? 

When I have had one too many, 

And am not writing coherently.

I need to stop trying, 

Trying to be deep and meaningful.

I shall give up. 

I've given up.

With maybe five shots, 

Definitely less than a bottle.

Just some alcohol somewhere,

Drowning in my system.

I'm not a poet.

I'm just a girl,

with too many thoughts, 

and not enough sense, 

To stop typing.