Everlasting Conflicts...

Many things will be coming to an end today.

It's the end of 2013, lets welcome 2014 with open arms.

It's the end of my teen years too, goodbye to the young me.

But why doesn't conflicts come to an end too? Why do they keep on happening and last for a very long time? End of year, end of conflicts, it makes sense this way right? But even with so close to the finishing days of 2013, conflicts still appear and occur, they don't disappear. They stay in your life forever, you will always encounter them.

These conflicts, I don't want them to happen, but yet they do. No matter how hard you try to prevent them, they occur again and again, and you will always bump into them. I don't want to be part of it, and I don't want to be out of it as I have to be the middle person, the mediator. I don't want to know about it, don't get me involved. 

Just in the last week of 2013, there has been 2 conflicts, one within the family and one between my friends of 3 years. And sadly, both are still on going, no where near their end. In fact, it is getting more worse day by day as the conflicting parties further add to the fury of arguments, not wanting to give in. For both, I'm the middle party, the one that has to deal with both ends, I find that this is more difficult and irritating than being in a conflict. You have to deal with the tension in between, and always be wary, because at any time, either or both party might flare up and you will have to listen to them rattle on on how much they dislike one another. You will have to live with that feeling that something has to be done, but you don't know what to do. There are times where you are put in hot soup and loses at both ends as they find out you are in contact with their enemy. 

Some of these conflicts, you have been seeing them for so long, so much that you keep asking yourself when is it going to end. When? After today? Next year end? 

Ends come and go, leaving you to say goodbye to your past.

But why can't we wave goodbye to conflicts too?

Part of the Future

Another Christmas eve. I've realized, as you get older, the spirit of Christmas dies with you. What happen to those child like Christmas songs we used to sing? The Christmas trees and the colorfully wrapped presents underneath it? Santa will give out his presents tonight to the children on the nice list. Dear Santa, instead of giving presents could you give me answers?

A year is coming to an end, and a new start is arriving.

But I have no idea what the new year brings, what my resolutions are and I have no plans.

A part of the learning path has been covered, finished and put aside.

All is left is the determining results which can both crush and liven your dreams.

A step out to the world has been taken, a step that can never be forgotten.

But it is just one step, no more no, less, and I have no courage to take another.

A route for the near future days have been made, and there is no use regretting.

But is the route what I really want? Is it worth taking? Or is it one that I will regret from the start?

So many questions, so many new experiences, so many confused and clueless emotions within me. Am I already working for the future? Am I already part of my future, or is it just the future of yesterdays? What am I supposed to do or be in my future? Is it really up to me to decide, or there is really no such thing as choosing your future? 

There is one thing for sure, working is definitely going to be both part of the present and in the future. Whether is it to earn a living, for the experience or having no choice to, it has to be done. So I've started trying it out, I've started working part time. My first time in the outside world, my first time earning my own money. Well, there is a first time for everything, and first times are not always pleasant. 

The working life seems like a mundane and boring one. You wake up early, do a morning routine, get to the workplace, and do the tasks given to you. Then, the most interesting thing of the day will happen, Lunch Break! After which, you carry on with your work, bid goodbye and return home. So many usual happenings, so many routines repeating day after day, that it gets boring and you lose the meaning of fun, smiles and even the meaning of life itself. There are no longer smiles on the faces of the people, no eagerness to start a new day of work. The unhappy souls I meet on the public transport dampens my mood on my way to work, Try to be cheerful, I smile, only to get glares and numerous 'are you crazy' looks of the other commuters. 

So this is really part of the future, part of the unhappiness you cannot escape from. You have to be part of it, before you can be accepted as a part of the society, as part of the future.

Towards an Uncertain Future... ...

10 more days to an ending I'm so looking forward to...

10 more days to a finished battle after 3 long years...

10 more days to a landing after a long educational flight..

10 more days to finish this part of the marathon of life...

Just a mere 10 more days, press on! Don't lose focus!

But this isn't an end. There is still more to come, more success, more failures and more obstacles. Life, as many has described, is a marathon till your last day. In each part of the marathon of life, you have up slopes and down hills. Different people will pass by you throughout the race. Some leaves a lasting impression on you, while some run with you and cheer you on. Some people outshine and raced past you, while others drag you down. Sometimes if you slow down, you can be trampled on until you find the sufficient strength to carry on. Life always throws the unexpected at you. You never know what it has installed for you till it becomes the present or past. One can't exactly plan life out. One can't exactly plan for the future. Nobody knows what the future brings.

So why are we preparing so much for the future when we don't know what is going to happen? Why are we taking an uncountable amount of tests and examinations when we don't know what we are going to be or do in the future? Th tremendous amount of effort, the extremity of the obstacles that we go through, the buckets of tears and sweat poured out in this process may all end up in an overwhelming disappointment. The greater the amount of hare work we put in, the more disappointed we will be when failure comes crashing straight into you.

Sure, the positive planners will argue that these obstacles gear you up for the future. But what if what you are doing and learning presently isn't want you really want and nothing part of your future? Won't you be doing everything for nothing? But are placed in a position where you cannot not do it. It's part of the system, part of the way of life, part of the route that you have regrettably started on and there's no turning back now. The only thing you could do is to continue with it and try to fall in love with what you are doing, or start afresh after this part of the marathon is over, making your race of life a much longer one.

10 days to a significant end, but is it part of the future?

IRONY in Life

The word irony is used to convey a meaning that is opposite of its literal meaning. That's the dictionary definition. 

Life is so full of ironies that it forms an endless list. You would expect this outcome to happen, but in reality, the opposite happens. You can work hard for something, but you will get a contrasting result, in which many times it is a failure. You can have a planned dream, but many of the times, it is being shattered by reality. So who created irony? Why create ironies in life, making it so hard to live and bear? Why make things so negative and unexpected? Why? 

But thinking about it, isn't the ironies created by us, by oneself, due to our fickle-minded nature? You can decide to do things, then not do it again, and expect the outcome to be the same, to what you thought it would be if you have done it. You can do things for a certain reason, yet in the end the reason is invalid and isn't important anymore. You can make friends and strengthen relationships that you treasure over text messages or through games. when come to face-to-face conversations, one expects the conversation to be more comfortable and easy, but in reality, it became more awkward and there's nothing to say to each other. 

Here's one irony in my life.
I've set up this blog for various reasons. 
Firstly, I needed to let things out. Sure I could find someone to talk to, but I'm terrible at speaking and finding words to explain how I feel. I can't talk face to face with people, I will be at a loss at what to say to that person, no matter how close or understanding the person is to me. By telling them what the real me is, I feel insecure  I feel too exposed and vulnerable. Can I really trust this person? Will he blackmail me with my truths?
Secondly, I am wary of how people view me. With me telling them how I really feel, will they judge me? Will they think I'm just an emotional brat who can't control her emotions? Or someone who thinks too much and easily influenced by others? 
Thirdly and lastly, I've given up on writing a diary. Not because I'm too lazy to write, but due to certain busybodies in the house that refuses to give me my personal space and read my diary entries secretly. So this 'online diary' is safer. They don't even know I have a blog, any more do they know the random URL I've created to access this. And for readers outside the people I know, they don't know me, and I won't get affected by their views.  

So here's the thing. I've create this blog for not letting people know the real me. But recently, I have the urge to tell people about my blog. Ironic isn't it? I'm scared of people knowing the real me and my feelings, but yet I want someone to know about this. I want them to read and understand me. Should I? Or not? But will they change their view of the quiet me? 

Irony, I've placed it in my life myself.

That's the thing... ...

That's the thing about stress. They build up pressure way past exploding point.

That's the thing about failures. They make you more depressed than you already are.

That's the thing about losing yourself. You don't know what's the real you.

That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

That's the thing about reality. It slaps you and shatters your dreams.

That's the thing about me. I want to give up and runaway, but I can't.

Sometimes such circumstances start running straight into your life and you can't avoid it. No matter how hard you try, it comes back face to face with you. Going round it won't help. Climbing over it doesn't help either. The only way is to go head first into it, even if you are not prepared. I am failing over and over again at the same spot, sometimes even falling backwards to a spot further away. I've tried getting a head-start running through the obstacle, but all I get is blisters from running. I've tried numerous plans to get through it, but one by one they fail, causing me to fall backwards further than I already am.

I want to give, drop everything and let go of it. Is going through this obstacle necessary? It is even beneficial? Can I please stop now? I'm drained, lifeless, unfocused and am no longer useful. 

That's the thing about life. We can't escape from it at all.

Unanswered Questions

Graduation Day. A part of my life in the education system is coming to an end.

Endings should be beautiful, complete, but sometimes sad.

But I feel nothing if the sort, only the incessant feeling of many unanswered questions that I yearn for the answers of them. 

Questions that I want to ask, but I don't dare to. 

Doubts that you wished to be clarified, but there is no way of approaching it.

I'm tired of explaining the situation to everyone.

''Are they together?'' ''So sweet, they are a couple?'' ''Since when?''

A couple. Are they? I glanced at the close proximity between the girl, one of my closest friends, and the boy, someone who we have been in the same class since 3 years ago. The girl's head on the boy's shoulder, eyes close and smile on her face, both oblivious to the attention that are getting.

There shouldn't be such secrets between us as close and best friends, should there? I have questioned my bestie countless times. Nope, not together, is what she always says. Every time I question, I will get the same answer. So I tell them what she told me, ''No, they are not together, just really close friends.''

But your closeness to the boy is making me doubtful. At this point in time, even I myself am unsure what the situation really is. There is no longer the friend zone space between the boy and friend. Wouldn't that mean that he is your boyfriend, and something more than just friends? You are always talking to him, leaving the rest of your besties and me out. I can't even put in a word when you are with him. When I talk to you, you don't reply me, keeping your eyes and smile directed at him. You push me away and put your arms around his waist.  You easily get irritated with me, yet you willingly hug him and thank him for being a wonderful friend. Is it still just friends?

I want to question you again. Will you still give me the same answer? 

We just have less than two months before we go our separate paths, and I really don't want this to spoil our treasured friendship.

The bonds between the five treasured friends were once with infinite strength, sharing the best, absolute and perfect moments together.

But even at infinity and beyond, we are drifting apart, slowly.

I don't want to lose my besties. 

But the unanswered question still remains. 

I don't want to WAKE UP!

I wish to escape from this nightmare.

I wish that I could do things as good as a someone else.

I wish people will see me for who I am, and not based on my results.

I wish we could chase back the sunrise, to slow the world down and give us time to think.

I wish that at least some of these wishes I make will come true.

But the world we lived in is never wish-granting factory. 

No matter how hard you try, these wishes just won't be fulfilled. You've tried working hard towards it, but it gets even further. over and over again you have tried, so much that you are already losing focus.

I dream for a bright future of sunny days and laughter.

I dream of being excepted the way I am.

I dream about experiences that I yearn for, to feel new feelings.

I dream of a place where dreams and reality really meets.

I dream of fantasies which I know will never come true.

What's the point of dreaming and setting goals when you can never achieve them?

Sometimes I wish I'll never wake up.

Because once you do, your dreams will be crushed and reality will slapped you again.

That's just the way of life... ... and it will always be... ...

Ignorance is Bliss...or Not?

Yes, definitely, Ignorance is bliss. It makes the world a better place to be in. It makes the world a perfect picture to one, tailored to what one would want to hear and ignore those that one does not want to hear. If you ignore the evilness in this world, the world would be one of peace and harmony. If you ignore the inequality among us, everybody would be friends. Just ignore everything that you do not want to see, hear, touch, think, smell or even taste, the world would become an Utopian state that you would always be satisfied with. Ignorance is Bliss, making everything deem pleasurable and desirable to the ones ignoring.

But what about those being ignored? Those that are uncared for and have no stand in society. Those that many have ignored and are seen as irrelevant and useless. Ignorance is definitely not blissful for them. In fact, it is a torture. A torture that they want to runaway from, but can't, it is everywhere. A torture that they want to ignore, but it is an inescapable hurt deep within.

You tell someone nicely. Ignored.

You try to strike a conversation to built stronger relationship. Ignored.

You hope the someone change for the better. Ignored.

You are just trying to help. Ignored.

You are doing the best one can do. Ignored.

After a while, you can't seem to take it anymore. You scream at them, yell at them, and cry your heart and feelings out in front of them. Ignored.

So why do people ignore others when it hurts so much? 

Why would they ignore if they don't want to be ignored?

Nothing Can Be Done... ...

안녕하새요! 

I have forsaken you again right? I'm really sorry. I've been tremendously busy with school and have little time to spare for myself, to pause and even think to myself. Many things have already happened, and I'm bursting with emotions that I want it to overflow right now.

You can always try and do your best, but there's no one to recognize you for it.

You can be as flawless as a circular piece, no corners, no errors, but you'll never fit into a jigsaw.

You may be wonderful at expressing yourself and feelings through dance, but the only people that saw you dance are the soft toys in your bedroom.

You may have a quality and top notch voice, but it is useless in a choir as there's little chance you can actually hear yourself.

Many of such times I ask myself, why work so hard when it does not make any better then the rest. It is wasted and of no help. 

It's worse off when results do not show the amount of effort you have put in. I just feel like giving up. There's no point trying so hard when you don't get results and people blame you for not putting in sufficient effort. Even if you have clearly stated the enormous amount of effort you put in, they will retort you with "You have put in effort, but is it enough?" or something like "You are putting in the wrong kind of effort, go figure out what's wrong and change it." What can I do about it? Try again? But I'm tired of trying over and over again, so much so that I'm bored and exhausted of it. 

There have been many instances I want to cry out and stop something from happening, but I fail to do so. All I can do is sit there and watch that happen. There's nothing that I can do to stop it. I want to but I don't dare to. I know it is wrong but what can I do without getting involved, seen as a busybody, or worse still, get scolded. This usually happens especially when it has to do with the way some people are communicating and interacting with people. Some are just plain rude to each other, even towards the elders. What's wrong with people nowadays? Where has the simple things such as respect and thinking before you speak gone to? Where has the simple thank yous, kisses and hugs that make you feel appreciated and love gone to?

With so many things happening, I just want to escape and runaway... ...but still, nothing can be done.