Unregconisable Efforts made...

Efforts and Hard work. How are they defined? Many of the times, they are made known only because of the resulting victories and good outcome. But what if these brilliant results are not there? Does that mean you didn't put in your effort? Of course not. But many people don't see this. They don't know how much effort you have put in, they just based in on the unfair result you have to judge you. And there's nothing you can do about it. The more you say or act against it, the more they think you deserve to get whatever result you have gotten. So the best thing to do is keep quiet, and let it eat you up from the inside slowly, painfully... ...

I've put in my best already and give it my all. But they can't to see, or in this case, hear the effort that I've put in to give it my best shot. With the same amount of effort put in, everyone one has a different result. Everyone is different. You certainly can't expect me to be like someone who is much better than me. You can only do the best you can, and try to be like that certain role model, but you'll still be different. Just because I can't, it makes me seem like a loser and a drop out, never being able to be on par with the rest. Everyone has a different quality result, it is something that you just have to live with it. But still, many do not accept the fact.

What can I do? I really don't want to be the black sheep and the left behind... ...

I can't catch up with the others... ...

Simplicity... it's long gone

It is the simple joy of living, that makes me happy.

It is the simple listening ear I need, that makes me joyful again.

It is the simple quietness and lone time, that makes me calm.

It is the simple shoulder to cry on, that makes me thankful.

It is the simple respect, that makes me feel I'm someone.

It is the simple little knock, that makes me pleased you are here.

It is the simple  I love you, that makes me feel appreciated.

It is the simple little things that make  the world a better place to be in.

What has happened to the simple things in life? The world has become so much more complicated then I can ever imagine. The simple little things are all gone, making my life and the world a sad place. There is no more joy and laughter, no more happiness and spring. the world has become a dark place, a place full of failure, hatred and revenge. There is nothing you can do about a place like this. You'll have to leave in it, deal with it. But what happen if you are not prepared? To deal with these overwhelming evilness that has engulfed the peaceful perfect world?

It's hard to be part of this world, when you never been able to fit in in the first place. You are not respected, you are not cared for, you have no place in this world. But what can I do? I'm just a small creature. Even if I make a difference, the world will still remain the same. The little simple difference of mine, there won't be any change at all... ...

Bursting...ugh

Hello, looks like I have forsaken you for so long. Blame the troublesome examinations and the other stressful school and family issues... ... There are just so many things that I want to say, but I dunno where to start, hope you can be patient with me, I type really slow.

Let's start with the most recent...

Maybe its just me, I'm too caught up in the bubble world and am oblivious to almost everything. Thus, people(or maybe just boys) ignore me. They just don't seem to see me at all. I'm invisible to them and my good points are all camouflaged with my bad points. I'm quick tempered, always ready to be piss off at people at anytime. I'm too quiet and noisy at the wrong times, irritating many. I'm stupidly shy when it comes to boys as I do not know what to say and stutter most of the time when I speak to them, making me feel like a retard. My friends around me are or have been in a relationship before.

I'm like a too innocent and naive creature that does not know how that suppose to feel like, to even have a crush upon a someone special. I can't handle and maneuver boys confidently being myself, the way other normal girls can.'It's weird, I'm yearning to be in love... ...

Expectations that can't be met, bringing a whole lot of disappointment and unhappiness in everyone.  Exams are just over this week. Of course who doesn't want to do well. But it is not up to you to decide. You may have tried your best but the results don't turn out the way you want or others want them to. They blame you for not doing well, they say you didn't prepare enough and it can only be your fault. What is even worse that your parents are foreseeing the result would not be good as they think that you have not put enough effort. But how can you tell? the results are not even out yet.

Having sibling do not help either, for my case, they make matters worse. You can be compared to them both. They compare a good point about you with your sisters, causing them to hate you, screaming their explanations that everyone is different and blame you all for this comparison made. When they compare a bad point, you face even worse disaster. You will not only get look down upon by your parents, you will also get "suan" by your siblings and their brag about how much better they are. But the explanation that everyone is different does not work here. They will just thing you are the bad one and you should learn from them.

And what about freedom? Besides the age of 21, shouldn't people get more rights and the power of decision making when they get older. The amount of rights and freedom to decide what I want to do does not seem to increase with my age.  At age 17, I still have to ask for permission to go out with friends after exams, with most of the time getting a 'NO' as an answer. It could be due t this reason that I have very little exposure. To tell you the truth, I've never watch a movie at a cinema with my friends before. My parents does not seem to trust me fully,as if I would be unruly outside and be a bad girl... ...

Controlled Life, Controlled Me...

Have you ever thought that who you really are and what is the true you?
Are you behaving the way you deem yourself to be?
What is it like, wanting to be yourself, true to heart?

I want to be my true self, be like my friends, like any other youth. But I'm afraid. I want to be like ordinary teenagers, do what they like to do, jumping around in rock concerts and being happy and high. But I can't bring myself to do it. Something is holding me back, I can't get free from it. I don't know what is it and how long it will last. It is making me irritatedly unusual. I hate it, I hate myself.

Maybe it is due to the controlled life I have lead. There wasn't much freedom, permission was required before I do anything. I didn't have the free will to decide. Every decision made even come with a price or compromise. I am like a star in the sky who wants to shine as brightly as I can, but not able to, because I'm afraid I stand out too much.

How I wish there was someone daring enough to penetrate through this transparent wall and rescue me. I know what is going on outside, but I can't join them.
Rescue me please!

INSULTS, from someone i love...

It has been a long tome since the last post. Here are some updates....
June holidays are over. The family Malacca trip was gone, leaving me with a fever on the last of the four days due to poor digestion.
Youth day has also past recently. My mother, sisters and I watched a Japanese movie-"Wasao" (About a dog, nice!)

Now, down to the real thing, ugh...

So what if I am not smart? So what if I had done so badly?
So what if it is to the extent that parents have to meet my civics tutors?
I have tried my best, haven't I? I have given in my all and really hope to do well.
But things like examinations do not always turn out the way you want them to be or suppose to be. There's nothing you can do about it once the results are out. You cannot hide them forever. One day, the people who you don't want to tell will find out.

That day has arrived, my family knew about it, and it brought about a whole loads of insults.
Why didn't you do well? How did you study? You didn't focus, did you?
I feel like screaming at them, "Yes, I'm stupid, what are you going to do about it? Send me for a brain transplant? Sure, why not? I don't even think it'll work, cos I'm too stupid. ugh."

It is so demoralising when your sisters say that to you. It makes you feel that there is no point studying. I should quit, give up, then they will be happy. I have pleased them and make them so happy, but they do not seem to see it, they take me for granted. I thought sisters should always help each other, tell us to try harder and not laugh at each other when we do badly.

Ugh, I feel like a loser.
I want to cry.

Holidays Package* homework included

HOLIDAYS + HOMEWORK = no fun...
What's the use of holidays if you have to go back to school, do homework, modern day e learning and revision? Might as well have the normal school term. The normal school term is so much less stress and better, at least you'll understand what I am doing...


Consider myself lucky, I still went on a short vacation with my family, literally across the seas.

But I came back sick with a fever and a mouth full of vomit, yuck!


I hope holidays will bring more interesting things and laughter. For that to happen, there must be a lack of homework!

what if... but... i can't...

I've got to say what's on my mind...it's driving me crazy
Mid Years are over, ugh, results. June Holidays are here, as if.

What makes up a teenager's life?
People usually say emotions, love, hatred, break ups, bad influence....
But they forgotten about stress, from both themselves and others around them.

Mid year exam papers are coming back one by one, full of red and unsightly marks glaring in your face. I tried my best didn't I? It's all that counts isn't it? But, what if my best is the worst, below expectations, not up to standard? What can I do? I'm totally lost in this dark world and I don't know how to escape? It is like suffocating you till your death bed, it does not leave you even for one minute. You do not even dare to tell your results to your parents. They won't understand, will they? They will always see it is your fault, you didn't study enough, you didn't do enough practice, you didn't focus, it's your "effort" that cause it to be this way.

I feel like screaming to them. Face it! I am the stupidest out of all the children. I have broken the "record", getting the Ungraded three in a row. People around me are doing so much better than me. Why can't I too? I'm panicking, in the desperation mode now. What can I do?
What if history repeats itself? What if I fail my promotional examinations? What if I get retained? What if I am a disgrace to the family, a disappointment to my parents? What if...

I feel like screaming my lungs out, but, I can't. Something is holding me back. I feel like crying a river of tears and desperation, but, I can't. Something is controlling the flow, not even a single tear can escape. I feel like giving up totally. What is the use of continuing and persevering on if your best is like the worst?

Thoughless & Heartless... ...

Looks like I have forsaken you for a long time.
Mid years are nearly over, there is one more paper to go. Yay!

Some people are just..ugh.
They don't think about others, they don't care what people feel. They don't put themselves into shoes of others and try to understand their feelings and why they act this way. They always think they are right. They just plain "i don't give a damn" kind of thing.
Heartless and inconsiderate people they are. You just cannot get along with these people, no matter how much time you have spent with him/her or by how much you understand them. They are hard to please and cannot be easily satisfied. They do not listen to other opinions, they will interrupt you went you are talking. If you get angry with them, it's of no use. They'll somehow not see the fault of the argument lies with them, by pushing all the blame to you. They are never in the wrong, that's what they think. ugh, irritating!

So, here's the approach I adopted to deal with such people, though it's not entirely full proof.
When they say something, neither agree or disagree. Just go with anything. You don't rebut their point, they got nothing to say.
Keep conversations short, you would not know what it may lead to, usually unpleasant.
Don't ever speak when they are talking. Just live with it, pretending to listen is the best way to go. Just hope they will run out of things to say quickly(these people are fond of telling unwanted and meaningless stories of what they did and what you should do too).

Ugh to these people. Can't they just get out of this imperfect world?

I'm lost... ...What do i do?

Burdens. Workloads. Stress. Tiredness.
Everything is coming in at one short. Exams are coming...more tests, more quizzes...
More FAILURES... More HOMEWORK... More DEPRESSION.

Mid years are around the corner, next week. I'm still not prepared for it. I have so much revision and learning to do...but I do not know where to start from. I am immersed and lost in the never ending piles of work and revision I need to do but haven't done. I'm drowning, but I do not know how to save myself.

I'm lost, alone, don't where or what should I do...

INTERACTION with people... ...

Supposedly another long weekend.
No school on Monday.
But it doesn't really make a difference.

Have you ever felt that you behave and belong to another world, just not the one you are in? Or might as well say that you can't fit in and interact with people in your age group. I interact better with people who are much younger than me. I somehow don't feel at ease when I'm with people my age in school or even with my sisters who are three years younger than me. I find it easier to play and understand children and toddlers. Maybe because my mind set is that of the kid...or because I'm childish and behave like one.

But it is tough. You will spent more time in school or at home where people are around your age. You want to get to know them better but you don't dare. It's hard to get close to them, you do not know what to say.

Ugh. Why is leading my life so tough.

Disapointment & me... ...

Disappointed. Why did it turn out this way? Why?
So much effort was put in... ...what when wrong?

I feel like crying. It's so unfair. Why do people not judge us on effort, but only judge us on the quality of our end product. It is the learning process and experience that counts, isn't it? I dislike it when people judge me just from one encounter. What do they know about me?

Why put in so much hope in ourselves, only to fail later in the future? It makes us feel a thousand times worst. Sure, it's for our own good, all the efforts are not a wasted as we will be able to learn from them in the future.

I shouldn't be upset. We did our best, we tried till we drop without a single complaint. Who cares what they say. We'll be ourselves as we are special. hah. They are noobs, they can't see the speciality and passion in us. hah. Opinions differ, so what for we listen to them, after all believing in yourself is the best. But why do I still feel the disappointment?

Lies from a liar... ...

Labour Day today.
A supposedly holiday, but my brain is in overload.

So much for planning things to do today.
And everything was ruin by one person. Why must he wants things his way? Why can't he listen to us just for wants? Why can't he thinks about others and question in doubt? He always assumes that people will think like him-the selfish, hot tempered, self centered ways. I really can't stand this type of people. They only know how to ruin other's life and happiness, that's their job.

So what am I going to do today? There are so many things to do and I don't know where to start. ugh. Life's really tough. What happened to those carefree moments and happiness that seem possible? They are so near yet so far... It just seem impossible in such 'tragic' times...

T.G.I.F. , But I'm SO NOT FREE...

End of the week, supposedly long weekend but still have to g back to school on two days.
Some kind of holiday break. Ugh.

Parents as ROLE MODELS?

Who taught their children the usage of vulgarities and unclean words?
How did we find out about them?
Did their parents influence them to say and be this way?

"F***" was what came out of my dad's mouth. It's was just something trivial in the car round a bout, and he started spilling such hard cored words in the car. I was brought up mainly by my mom, and I can't stand those words. Nobody in the family ever use them, if we do , we are not spared the cane. My sisters and I were punished for every nitty gritty thing that we did wrong. Why isn't my dad punished then? The world is really unfair to us children as it is controlled by them adults.

So,where do our bad habits come from? From school, bad company of friends?
I think parents do play a part too. If one is as hot and quick tempered as my dad, he child will be hurt numerous times from the scoldings due to trivial matters. They are not leading by example, aren't they? So what make them worthy enough to become our parents?

Just ME against the WORLD

Sometimes I feel I'm just alone, in this cold forlorn place where nobody cares about me.
Everyone has their own views, but they are all driven against me.

They think whatever I do is wrong. Even after I have given it my all and best, they will still find fault with me. They think whatever I do is wrong, they have no trust in me. It is so hard to please people. They want things their way, and they make yo do it that way. They don't care about your personal ideas and abilities. Here you are putting in your last ounce of energy and effort, there they are criticizing your every movement and humiliating you. They have hurt you real deep, but they "don't give a damn" about it. It's like they rule the world and I am just objects of usage to them.

JUST ME and nobody else.
Every one is able to do it, except me.
Every one can understand it, except me.
I think I did it rightly, but she says no. Should have trust in myself, someone who understands me better, or just the person in charge? But maybe I did it right, but she doesn't acknowledge it. Or maybe she does not see eye to eye with me. She has always been picking on me... looking down on me . I feel sad inside.

I'm left out, alone, lost and unwanted...

Quit picking on me!!!

Easter Sunday.
Bunnies with chocolate eggs jumping everywhere giving people joy and cheer.
But I didn't receive any.

I didn't do anything wrong, did I? Then do they keep getting upset with me? ugh.

In a BUBBLE of my own... ...

I've been floating aimlessly around, wandering lost, having no goal in life...

I've been an Eskimo in a desert,'I've never really fitted in to this universe, much less at home...

I've always been in a different world, on a different page, with a contrasting genre. It will never be able to fit in this jigsaw environment, where everyone can place themselves together in the picture nicely, only to have me as a piece that sticks out tremendously.

I'm in my own world, my own bubble of life and I can't break out of it. Being myself is like being the fish out of water, it's just unsuited for me. I could neither be here nor there, and cruelly not in between. The wall of my bubble is too thick, I cannot see and feel what is happening around me. I want to burst this wall and reach out to the world, but it just won't break. I don't have the strength to. If I escape, what will I be like... I wouldn't know myself any more. It's hard, my mind runs on a drastic frequency, unlike any others.

I'm special, in a way that I'll never understand this world... ...

Where's my Fairy Godmother? 🌠

Good Friday today, no school.

Without school curriculum, so many things can happen.

Do you find it extremely irritating when you unintentionally done something wrong and this person will brood over this subject for the entire day? They make you feel that you have committed a unforgivable sin and should be shame with humiliation. They go on and on about you ruining their whole life, even if your mistake seem so trivial.

You try to please them, but it's so hard to. Maybe because I don't fit in, I never did. They make your every good intention seem like an horrible one, they are not thankful towards you. What can I do? If I complain (which I usually don't), I get myself into more trouble as they will dig up "past history" and brood about it all over again. I try to be nice, but it is not how the ways go. It's like one-sided niceness to each other, you won't get back any in return.

How I wish fairy tales exist... 

How I wish that my fairy godmother will save me and bring me away from such terror and unpleasant people...

Tired, Weary, Dreary... ...

There it goes, it flew past me so quickly that i didn't even notice.

 I'm like stuck inside a bubble, I cannot catch up with the others.

The times fly so fast. I have so many things that I want to do, but there's too little time.

Things are loading up quicker than I can unload them, so much that my is collapsing at the intense stress. I'm sleepy, tired, and all willing to give up. I know I shouldn't, but I want to. What's the point of doing so much when you'll forget about them sooner or later? What's the point of doing things when people don't appreciate? It's useless, isn't it?

Then why continue to push on, making you drain every ounce of energy in your body, causing you to fall into the "brain-dead" mode quicker than expected?

💟 Somebody to LOVE 💝

Love is blooming all around, in school, outside, and even in the fish tank. I'm at the age where people are having closer than friendship bonds, going out with "the someone special" and having one's heart beat about a 100 times per second. But not everyone will get to enjoy this feeling, do they?

3 people at the table-me, person A and person B. Person A and B are in love but they don't know it. They laugh and share secrets with each other, talking between themselves, forgetting about the other person sitting at the table with them. They are blinded by love, oblivious to their surrounding.

Maybe LOVE is really a beautiful sensation. It let you feel that you are in control of the world of perfection. Maybe it's the only bliss and happiness left in today's disrupted world...

When will I be able to find and enjoy this wonderful feeling of love and being loved?

People in this World 👨👩🌎

You may get along with some of them, but not others. It really can't be help.

You don't want to get angry, but it seems ridiculous... ...

Some of them are...,well, more than irritating. They have already made up their minds but they still ask for your opinions for the sake of asking. Whatever you say, they will still stick to their idea and not change a single thing. Then why ask on the first place? ugh.

The next one is the "get-the-hell-out-of-my-face" kind of people. The sight of them just made your blood boil. They are those kind who are exceptionally rude, and stupidly self-centered. They don't care if they had ruin your day, they live in their own world. ugh.

Lastly for today, there is the fight/quarrelsome people who just wants to start an argument with you about the most trivial things. They have an astonishing anger span and will brew over it for a long period of time. They go on and on, making you even angrier and upset,even if its not your fault. Ugh.