Society's Toy

I have never really been interested in studying at all, neither was I one that was good at sports. Instead, since young I enjoyed music and art classes more so often than any other subjects. I enjoyed the performing arts too, be it dance, piano or even cheer leading (in primary school standards). I do find the thrill in standing on stage and performing, maybe I like the attention. I haven't been incredibly bright or artistic, and I do not excel in any aspect. 

But here am I, having studied almost 17 years in an education system, stripping me of my individuality. I was put into the education mould - from kindergarten till graduation from university, but I don't feel that I have grown as a person. Instead, I felt that I have lost who I am and I can't seem to see myself as an individual person anymore. My individuality has been drowned out by the society's mould, shaped by what society thinks its best for you and what you should do. 

Maybe I was not forced into the framework.

I was just too scared to break away from it, too timid to rebel, too afraid to be about of the societal norm. Just go with the flow, be safe. I keep thinking back, what if I had the guts to go against my parents and society's ruling and do as I deem fit, onto a path that many has claimed to be profitless and without a future. Would I be happier? 

There I lay as a society's toy.

Nothing special, Nothing unique.

I hear my life ticked away, 

As I watched the clouds float by, thinking,

What's the use of being perfect. 

A circular round piece with no flaws, 

no unsightly edges and ends, 

only to be out of place, alone, 

and unable to fit in the jigsaw society.

Love Yourself 💜

I have been really lazy again, skipping last month's post update. There are many things that I have wanted to post about, but I couldn't put it into thoughts, let alone words. The past month has past by unknowingly fast, and my emotions are in a mess. I don't know where to start. 

I am going to take a big step and confess something.

It might be risky, but I just want to let it out, for awhile, before zipping it back up.

There is someone that I may have a crush on. 

I've said it.

Is it love? Are the feelings mutual? Are you going to confess?

I'm not sure. Doubt it. Nope.

I never really realised it, until last year. We have known each other since our school days, with us getting along as better friends as every school year passes. At first, I thought maybe the slight uncomfortable emotion I was feeling was due to my usual awkwardness with people. But after a couple of years, these feelings didn't go away. I yearn to talk to you and spend time with you. I trusted you, just as you trusted me as a friend. I didn't need to hesitate to tell you about my worries or when I just wanted to whine.

Once awhile, we spent time together, just the two of us. The fluttering of my heart was evident, even if the time we spent alone was just a short span, like waiting for other friends to arrive. It was in that little time where your attention was on me and I dared to step out of my quiet bubble to talk to you.

I wanted to step forward and get closer to you, but I am afraid, to you, it might be too close for comfort. I wanted to reach out to you, and hug you, but there seem to be a boundary that I couldn't ever cross between you and me. 

We are complete opposites. 

You are always confident and the cool-headed one, keeping everything within sight and at task. Unlike me who is reserved, meek and quiet, hardly motivated to do anything.

You have plans, dreams and you knew what you have wanted to do right from the start, while I floated aimlessly following society's ruling without a backbone of my own.

You could do well in anything once you put your mind to it, you learn incredibly fast. I barely survived school with menial grades and knowledge similar to that when I first entered school. 

But opposites attract right?

I am afraid of pulling you down with me. As lonely as it gets on the ground below, watching you fly high and happily is kind of sufficient for me.

I wish I could just forget everything and say "I like you", but our friendship is far too precious to risk. I rather we just be good friends. At least we are still friends.
Maybe we are better off being just friends.

"I look at you in the mirror. 

A gaze full of fear, the never-ending question.

Perhaps, loving myself is more difficult than loving someone else.

Let's be frank, the standard you set yourself are stricter than anything else."

- Answer: Love Myself, BTS

It's going to be difficult to comfortably love someone else.

Until I can finally love myself.

And be myself confidently. 

Falling but not Landing

Another month has passed, it is July now isn't it? I've lost track of time. Alot of things can be achieved in a month, but the me from one month ago has not changed till today. I have been stuck in the same spot, in the doldrums for as long as I can recall. A bittersweet chapter of life as ended, promising another better beginning, but all is seen is an empty darkness.

The overwhelming darkness is eating me alive and making me tired. I am tired from chasing after dull dreams that is not mine. I'm tired from doing things that does not benefit me. I'm tired from listening to what I should and must do. I am just tired, tired from life. I feel that I am being drained of my life and my individuality. I want to find back myself, find the things that I lilke to do and a find a definition to what's me. 

However, with the darkness, I have lost my sense of direction. I have got zero motivation to save myself from this darkness. Hobbies that I used to have have become a burden, and I do not enjoy them as much as I used to. On the contrary, they drag me further into despair upon realisation that I am not good at them at all. There isn't anything that I am good at is there? I don't know where to start looking. I know I should look deep within myself and be true to my feelings to find an answer, but I am always wary.  Wary about my surroundings, worried about just almost everything.  

It is an inescapable nightmare, 

No matter how hard I try to pinch myself awake, I don't wake up.

Darkness clouds around, drowning me.

I want to put an end to it.

But only to realise this isn't a nightmare afterall, it's life. 

It is alright to regret, it is okay to fail and fall,

That's what they said.

Tears fall too, it is gravity's calling afterall. 

But they do not have to land, just wiped away without a trace,

Better to be kept unknown to the world.

I will just keep falling, 

I wonder how much further till rock bottom.

Falling deeper and deeper into darkness,

Waiting for that little 'thud', for me to find my feet again.

But I just don't land.

In a heartbeat 💓

Another long break since the last post, I really have been procrastinating alot. I've been busy, I would like to say, for the month of May and June, finishing up a tiresome academic project and embarking on a family trip overseas. Each of which had brought about their own set of troubles and realisations that has finally hit me. Realisations that I have wasted a good part of my time to little avail, and that reality today differs from those in the past. 

A final academic project before a graduation that is suppose to matter lots. I spent almost a good one year on it, sleepless nights and heartbreaking tears, only to receive a pathetic grade in the end. It is really demoralising and depressing. All the hard work and effort does not pay off at all. Should have just not done this project at all. What's the point of spending one year on it, but only to have your entire academic result being dragged down. It's really useless isn't it? One year of my life gone into nothing, and a bad ending to yet another chapter.

Travelling, I love travelling and being somewhere new, for each country is different. Need not go across the seas, for being a tourist in my home country suffices. However, travelling sometimes brings out the real characters of people (not that I didn't already know of their characters). It is tiring dealing with them. Travelling is supposed to a joy to me, to enjoy the fruits of the labour after all that intense research and planning, to see sights in real time instead of on the screen. Maybe it's me, being different from the rest of them. 

Within a couple of heartbeats, it's over. Done. Finished.

The chapter is closing, but I am still not ready to start a new chapter.

I am just hovering over a meaningless blank page, willing for the heartbeat to still.

But the thing is, our hearts march on, it waits for no one. 

"I think the beating in our hearts was put there to remind us that even when we are alone in the world, we march on. That even in the enormous dark and quiet, we always have someone to lean on, to embrace and turn to. That even when we have no one else, we always have ourselves."

- Beau Taplin, The Marching Heart

I hear something in me.

.

.

.

I just realised, it's my heartbeat. 

The only indication that I am still living.

Living, but not alive.  💓💓💓

🔇 Mute

I missed out last month didn't I?

I was supposedly busy with submissions and academic things.
Well, more or less busy, but more than half the time I was just distracted.

Anyways, this post is long overdue. It happened sometime last month, but I couldn't find the words to described the situation. I am finding it increasingly more difficult to put my thoughts into words, let alone speech. There has been numerous times that I open up a new chat or new post to write down my emotions, it comes out blank. 

Well, here it goes... ...

It's frustrating.
It is one of the rare times that I do speak up and voice out what I've wanted to say, but I get shot down immediately. I get interrupted when I speak. Either I am not heard, or that my personal views and opinions does not matter. Who am I to speak anyways? In what position are you to speak? Who am I? In fact, it has really nothing to do with me. I'm just being an unwanted and mute busybody who chose the wrong time to speak.

All I did was to defend and speak the truth, but my words more often than not were taken wrongly. Are my words meant to posion? As if everything was my fault. I shouldn't have said anything. Should have just kept my mouth shut and not say anything. It won't make a difference if I did say anything or not.

It has happened so many times, that I feel I should not be saying anything anymore.
There is a turmoil inside of me that I yearn to say out, but I don't know how to. Every time I have the chance to, I can't bring myself to. I just can't find the words to express myself anymore, I've become mute, even muted to my own emotions. Everything feels so dull and muted. Part of me just wants to scream and cry everything out, but the particular first step of opening my mouth to make a sound, seems impossible. 

Maybe one good thing about being mute is that I can say whatever I want, and no one will hear me. I don't have to feel guilt over my words. They won't hurt you, since they are not heard. I didn't speak them out either way. 

I can repeatedly tell myself, I'm smart, I'm strong and I can do it.
I wouldn't be able to hear it. 
But why care? It's not important anyways.

I'm not shy.
I'm just a little girl looking for her voice.
I'm just purposefully mute.

Insecurities

Time flies so fast without me realising it, January has gone by and it is already mid way through Feburary. It's another Valentine's Day alone.

Not that I really mind though.

I am a sexy, free and single and ready to mingle (Don't mind me, these are song lyrics).

Just yesterday, a couple of friends and I went to a church's Valentine's day music event. I don't even know why I wanted to go in the first place, just to support a friend maybe? The event was full of live band music, love songs and sharings which somehow all linked back to religion. The music was good, but the whole event was just awkward for me at least.  I shouldn't have gone. I only put myself in an uncomfortable situation. What was I thinking? There were some sharing yesterday too, mainly about relationships, and how love of the higher being is always the greatest. For the most part of it I was just staring into space, sleepy, and just wanting to get out of there.

There was one particular sharing that really struck a chord within me. She shared about being insecure about not finding a lover, and not being able to find a lifelong partner. 

Insecurities. Being scared. Fear.

Maybe I do really yearn for a someone special who will hug me, let me cry on and just accompany me for th rest of the tough journey through life. The thought of it does sent butterflies to my stomach and a warm feeling to my heart. Someone who is by my side, to listen and talk about more than the normal day to day superficial conversations that are painstakingly created.

So much for saying that I want to be an independent girl, but I'm pretty much still a girl who is yearning to be love within. Most of my friends are getting attached one by one. When I see them together with their other half, they are just so cute! They are in their own world, with me by their side fangirling.

I am insecure, feeling insecure for almost anything from school work to emotions. Thoughts such as I'm not good enough to be loved by someone else, there are so many people out there who a better and deserve more than I do. The insecurities of my future, what am I going to do after I graduate, will I be able to fend and feed not only for myself but for my family too? 

Everything scares me.

My insecure future.
Scary and overwhelming emotions.
The fear of being me.

A Robot trapped in the present 📟

2017 is coming to an end, which the new year approaching. Another year has passed by quickly and unknowingly, filled with a tinge of happiness, regrets, sadness etc. 📟

What will next year bring? What resolutions can I achieve? How different will next year be from this year? 

Questions and more questions, but no answers. The answers will only prevail at the end of the next year, but by then, it is already too late to question where has all the time gone to.

I'm not ready to face a new day, let alone another new year.

Every year fills like it is almost the same, everything preplanned and played out. There isn't much difference each year can make. I am supposed to end 2017 'with a bang', but its more difficult to live up to it than I thought. 

Day by day passes with similar happenings and emotions. It feels like I am being a robot, I have no control over myself. No change in emotions, no decisions and choices made, no character, nothing. Everything feels so stagnant,  with only the date and time changing. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I just get one with daily life, wishing for the day to come to an end faster, so that I can just head to bed, close my eyes and not see the world. I'm tired of feeling this way. Waking up has never been more tiring and difficult, so much so that on some days the urge to continue sleeping is so high, or to have my eyes remain closed for a unhealthily long period of time. 

My life just feels so empty. It is almost as if I am just a society's toy, living by their unachievable standards of good grades and achievements. None of which I have. 

Many times I just want to break down and cry in public, but I don't dare to. I am afraid of being a nuisance in society, I'm afraid of being judge and I don't like the feeling of being weak. 

2017 marks another year in life for a weak and tired robot, with creaky hinges and rusty joints. What will 2018 bring?

📚 Life as a Story

If you were a writer, given a choice, 

would you want to continue writing in the same paragraph or start a new one?

If you were a dancer, given a choice, 

would you try a new dance move, or try to perfect the one you are currently working on?

If you were me, given a choice, 

would you choose to start a new chapter in life, or wait till the current chapter closes as it should be?

I feel like I should start a new chapter of my life, as I am getting tired and running out of things to say for this particular current chapter. There hasn't been any story progression in this chapter, almost like it is a meaningless chapter, with sudden ups and downs. It has been a roller coaster ride, a tad bit too thrilling for me. But the thing about roller coaster rides, they always bring you out for a spin, only to alight you at the same point where you started.

I am worn out and tired from this place, but I keep looking back and am hesitant to leave. Or more so, I am too scared to take either a step forward or back. 

I'm stuck again at a fork road.

It isn't as simple as just hitting the enter key to the next line.

It's going to be an irreversible decision that I have to make.

I just hope, whatever the choice is, I don't regret it. 

Have you noticed the stillness of the night? 🌙

Have you noticed the stillness of the night?
A sudden screech of brakes, a phone ringing or two, 
But that's about it, the tranquillity, serene and stillness.
Lights flicker off and creaks in the staircase can be heard, 
Returning people to their land of dreams to rest.

I wish I had a reason on why I stay up all night.
No, I'm not studying or doing anything productive.
No, I'm not catching up on friends or society.
No, I'm honestly not doing anything at all.
There isn't any reason for it, is there?

If only I had closed my eyes and called it a night.
Instead of spending so much time staring at blank spaces, 
And blinding lights that should have switched off for the night, 
Computer screens that give me headaches in return for relief, 
Or the waiting of a notification light on the phone that I have switched off. 

Stars shine brightest when it is the darkest. 
Maybe the dull me would shine too, 
In the midst of all the darkness and quietness.
And the non-existent people accompanying me into the night, 
Instead of the annoying anticipation of giving up.

The night here is beautiful, so much life at the death of the day.
With the guiding stars and the crescent smiling like a Cheshire cat, 
I wished I had a reason on why I stayed up tonight, 
Instead of these thoughts that course through my body and veins.
I should turn in for the night, I really should. 

Have you noticed the stillness of the night?
Because I do not make a sound.🌙🌙🌙🌙🌙

Lack of Motivation

I give up.
I am tired of doing things mundanely.
I don't see a point in things anymore.

This thought have been hovering in my mind for sometime now, and it has been bothering me a lot.

Someone once said to me:

"You have the potential to hit the right notes, and the skill can be learnt. But you just have no motivation and you are not competitive enough."

I have the skill? I honestly don't think I do... But it's true, I lack the motivation. I lack the drive to do things, be it academically, or even in the things that I like and want to do. I lack the self-esteem and confidence to believe that I can do and actually accomplish things.

I can't be as confident as the people out there. I just don't know why is it so difficult for me to trust myself and tell myself that I can do it. Is it due to my sheltered upbringing? Or is it the lack of courage in me? Maybe, it's just... plain me. There has been numerous times where I have planned to do something, but in the end it doesn't happen at all. The ficus and drive isn't there. I look at the task, and I just do other non-productive things instead.

It feels that I have given up totally,

I don't know it there's anything for me to look forward to and anything that is willing me to move ahead anymore. 

🍴 Looking back at the Fork in the road

Life is a journey.
And in every journey, adventures awaits.
With each adventure, a destination is reached.
But at that junction, a direction must be made.
A decision of little turning back, no hesitation.

Decisions, decisions and decisions...

Well, it's normal to make decisions right? 

Everyone has to do that in life. Without decisions, many would complain that life is unfair and that they are not given choices. Life would be too boring if we can't choose what we want to do, everything would be too mundane, just following the status quo.

But what if you already made your decision, but you are still looking back and thinking you should have saved yourself the trouble and chosen the other choice instead. 
And with looking back at this choice, you think about the previous decisions that you have made that let you to arrive at this decision making.

Maybe things would be different.
Maybe everything would be less complicated.

Maybe I wouldn't be in state already.

I've started my journey on this path of the forked road.
Ahead I should look, but I keep turning back to glance at the fork again.
And the forks that I have already passed in the distance.

Loosening the Reins

Everyone are chained and bounded by diffrerent set of workload and beliefs, some holding the reins much tighter than others. Some even after the chains are broken, they still remain stagnent and unmoving. 

Maybe they are right. 

Maybe I am too strict with myself.

Maybe I should loosen the reins.

I wish I could let the crazy me come out as and when I want it to, without worrying about people judging and criticising me. Times that I step out of my comfortable but awkward silence are rare, but when I get playful and a little less shy, the audience are that of judging and 'this is so not you' look. There are times where I don't even know what is the real me, the crazy one or the quiet and thoughtful one.

I wish I was daring enough to speak my mind and get angry when I want to, and not be praised for a high tolerance level, when honestly I am one who gets irritated very easily. Even now in the duration of my part time job, there have been times when I feel like clawing people and scream at them, but I am in no position to. Just deal with it and shallow it down, there isn't muh that a part timer can do anyways.

I wish I wouldn't be so uptight and strict with myself, making people view me as one who does not know how to have fun. I should be rebellious for once, do the things that I always wanted to do, and do it without a care in the world. 

Close-knit Life

I sat there, stoned and blanked face.

The mess of wool strings surround me, waiting to be coiled up.

I can't believed I have unravelled all that I've knitted. 

What took me a year to knit, was undone within one tenth of a minute.

One year of painstaking effort all gone in a flash and in a haste.

That's life isn't it?

You can work so hard and then comes a point where there is a pause and you start to realised that you actually don't know what you are doing anymore. I've started to knit due to interest, but after awhile, the knitting stopped. I wanted to pick it back up this holidays, but when I look at it, I see the flaws of the piece. It's an incomplete and errored piece of work, that upon completeing will only prove to be an eyesore. 

The efforts put in all come down to a sense of nothingness, no sense of achievement at all. I keep questioning myself, is this right, is this good for me, but to no avail. The answers I am desperately looking for is not appearing anytime soon.

I've chosen to unravel what I have done and start again.

But I can't do that with life. 

What's done is already done, the 'strings' of life would never be straighted and curled into the same comfy ball of wool that it once was.

I can only call it quits and stop here, or I could just continue on the path of mistakes and do the best I can.

Yawnzzz

* Randomness alert - Procrastination and a play of rhyming words *

I feel so tired, but I really shouldn't complain, 

maybe it isn't me, it must be all the strain.

Blame the pressure that is pushing me through, 

painting each day a dark gloomy blue. 

I feel so tired, that I can't even think,

but what's the use when I can't catch forty winks.

Sitting alone and quietly staring into space,

Asking myself why am I here in the first place.

I feel so tired, I just want to go to bed,

but I am just curled up here instead.

I yearn for the warmth and comfort, 

that comes along with a dark reality.

I feel so tired, I should really go sleep,

but I'm sick of laying still and counting sheep.

I'm afraid of the darkness that is descending,

and the piecing of broken dreams upon waking.

I feel so tired, maybe I will just lie on the floor, 

It's not a feeling I haven't felt before.

The cool, calm and dependable surface,

with emptiness and vastness as a mere preface.

I feel so tired, please don't ask me why.

I will just close my eyes, lie here and cry.

Let's Break Up 💔

Let's break up.

I've had enough of you. 

In the beginning I thought you were something great, always keeping me on task and motivating me. It was the little acts and pressure that you always gave me when I needed it, allowing me to do things that I would have never done on my own. 

You have been by my side all this while quietly supporting me. Your presence never failed to appear especially in the toughest times of my life. You came in tumbling and unexpected. It was hard to predict what you wanted, and there's always an element of surprise when I'm with you. 

You were a guiding light in my life, steering me on path and helping me manage my time. You ensured that I will survive in the world that was too harsh a reality for me. 

But after awhile, I have realised that you were too much for me to handle.

You did not understand me at all. The direction you were driving me to wasn't what I wanted. You were driving me to the corner of the world and pressurising me too much. You had your own set of goals, very much different from what I had in mind. 

You made me not think for myself at all. You don't give me time for myself, always incessantly ringing reminders in my ears that I'm not good enough for this world. You invaded my personal space and mind, it's too uncomfortable.

I've turn in someone I rather not be because of you. You have changed me, but I don't really like this change. We are too different to be together, so it's time to let go. 

Dear stress, 

Lets break up.💔

Maybe soon, but not yet

The sun hasn't risen, maybe soon, but not yet. 
It is just like any ordinary morning, with me sitting in silence, staring out of my window in the confinements of my safe heaven. The light from the street lamps were the only steady source of light, casting long ominmous shadows, giving a threathening feeling to a another brand new day. Lights of the houses in the distance flicker on and off, as I watch the neighbours start preparing for the start of their new day.

I should get up from my spot and start my day too. 
Maybe soon, but not yet.
I'm not ready to start a new day. 

I reached out for my glass of water, only to realise it is long gone and finished. The emptiness of the glass was alarming, it wasn't even half full or half empty, it was just...empty. I tipped the glass back, relishing the last drop of water present.

The water I drank did not taste as bad as it did yesterday. Maybe, it tasted even better than it did yesterday or even the few minutes before. Maybe it was indeed the final minutes of my alone time and my own room wanting to keep me close. They were luring me into staying inside and not leave. I never assumed that it was actually my own imagination that was begging me to walk straight back to bed and never come out again.

It was a comforting, this devouring pregnant silence. It was always like that underneath my roof. There wasn't any noise, not even the slightest whisper. I could break it when I wanted to.  It made me feel like I am in control. 

This mighty feeling left me feeling rather numb.

What is going to be different between this year and last?

What is going to change between this month and last?

What is going to happen tomorrow that is different from today?

Maybe I should rephrase my question.

What am I going to do to make things different?

I should make decisions, maybe soon, but not yet.

Complex yet Imaginary

Sometimes emotions can be confusing. It's like they don't even know where to flow. They can be so complex and overwhelming and you don't really know what you are feeling anymore. 

Then, sometimes I wonder, the emotions that I think I'm feeling, are they real? 
Or are they just figments of my imagination and conscience, telling me what I should feel? Emotions, most of the times, are pretty hard to grasp, it's hard to label how you really feel. 

It is like a complex number, where there is a real and imaginary part. The real part is what people see, the facial expressions and emotions that you put out in front of you. Then there is an imaginary part, where it is hidden from your surroundings and sometimes even from yourself. 

I'm being scared and tired at the same time.
I'm scared of the unknown, scared of things that may or may not happen, scared of what people might see me as, etc. All this fright is making me tired and down, and that is what people see on the surface. 

It is the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.
The inertia to get up to do revision and assignments is really high. I don't have the mood to do. Most often I'm scared to do it and then realise that I can't do it at all. There isn't any motivations to do it, its just I need to do it. 

It is wanting friends but hate socialising.

It is wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely.

It is caring about everything then caring about nothing at all.
So much concerns, they drown me. I should take them one by one to solve it, like my friends has told me, to redefine what I want in life. But, honestly, I've kind of given up, I don't know where to start, I don't think I really care about life anymore.

Everything is so complex, or maybe it is just all imaginary, maybe I am thinking too much.

It is feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb. 

Comfort Zones

Greetings to a not so new year!

It is yet again the beginning of another year, with each year being more or less the same.

Is there anything to look forward to this year? 

Everything seems so mundane...

What is a comfortable feeling?

What does it really mean to be in your comfort zone?

What needs to be done to feel comfortable?

Being comfortable used to be something simple. It is just to be at ease and relaxed. And comfort zones were just areas that you feel at ease in. It could be when you are doing something that you have done before, or being with people who you are comfortable with. Or even something simple as doing nothing at all.

Sometimes what we think we are comfortable with isn't within our comfort zone at all. Things that we like to do and enjoy doing isn't in our comfort zones. Events that we don't like can fall into our comfort zone as we get used to the nasty feeling and become comfortable and used to it.

*On a side note...

I find writing posts getting more difficult. I can't seem to pen down my thoughts and feelings as easy as I used to. Looking at older posts over the years, I can easily related back to the feeling and happenings of that time. But recently, the posts seem more unfeeling and just a post, no more no less.

Are my thoughts getting more and more complex that it can't be described as words? 

Is this a sign of ageing? 

Or  am I becoming an unfeeling robot-like person?

This is really scary.

🎄 Christmas Eve Cheers

What do people normally do on Christmas Eve? Have gatherings and a sumptuous feast?

I don't really know what Christmas is really is. Is it just a publicised religious festival? 

Is it a season to give thanks and gifts to the people who have helped you throughout the year?

My family and I haven't exactly celebrated Christmas much. To us, it's just another holiday, nothing special. No gifts are exchanged, just a simple merry Christmas greeting in the morning, that's about it. After all, Christmas is always during the end of year holidays, so it is just another holiday to it. 

This is one of the few times that I've actually spent my Christmas outside, with actual traditions of having gifts under the Christmas tree and exchanging them. It feels like a really simple activity, but it brings so much joy and smiles when the present is given and recieved. Sure, getting a present under the budget is difficult, but I feel it is worth it. While searching and exchanging presents, you learn more about them.

Its true, Christmas is just another holiday, but the poeple you spent it with makes it worthwhile. 

I wonder what the new year will bring. 

I am sure going to miss this carefree times and days.🎄

Forgotten Relief

It has been a week since the school semester ended. 

Exams and assignments are long gone and finished. 

School's out and the much needed holiday has started. 

I should feel a sense of relief that I have survived yet another tiring school term, shouldn't I? I should be happy that the long awaited holidays are finally here, shouldn't I?

But that doesn't seem the case anymore.

I'm suppose to feel relieved, but yet I feel...lost and empty. 

Throughout the semester, there was a sole goal in mind - to work hard and do the best I could. Consistent (well most of the time) work and tutorials, what seem like endless revision to do and getting through school days in general, filled most of my time. One after another they are layed out for me to do, somewhat like a routine. 

And when finals are over, I realised I have nothing to work towards anymore. 

There in't anything to plan my time anymore. There isn't a nagging tutorial or test that I need to do or revise for. There isn't a goal to work towards anymore. 

It's funny how during term time when you have minimal time, but you have so many things you need to do and want to do. But when holidays come, I honestly don't feel like doing anything at all.

Overwhelmed

Peppero Day! Oops, being randomz, as usual...

Have you ever felt the need and want to just release the stress and anxiety and not care about anything at all? Or to not give a worry about what should be done and can be done?

Have you ever wish and hope that things are different? And that if has to happen, they prepare you for it instead of it coming head on unknowingly?

Then again, I doubt I will be prepared for anything when it comes to be even if I am given a heads up on things. I'm such a procrastinator. And I don't want to be faced with such things to begin with. 

Things are getting really really overwhelming.

There are too many things happening at the same time that I just want to drop everything and let go. I wanna be free and not be tied down by the chains of school and life. Living life and surviving it is tiring enough for me, what more with the addition of school and exams bring? School and I are really not meant for each other. Maybe just studying for general.

I've always wondered what would have happened if I chose my own part to take, to do the things that I really like and enjoy. Then again, what do I really like? 

I want to give up, but it is already coming to the end of the year. If i give up now, its a year worth of wasted efforts, tears and stress. But, thinking about things after this year is done, I feel more overwhelmed and uncertain about things I am doing. Trying so hard to do my best, but is it going to be worth it? Will my effort pay off? 

I think I'm ranting already...

Am I overwhelming you?

A Masked Fool 🃏

*Adapted from: Charles C. Finn, Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is really me.

I give you an impression that I'm secure,
that all is of sunshine, smiles and rainbows,
and that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command.
But don't believe me. 

My surface may seem smooth, but it is a mask,
a mask that is versatile and ever-concealing.
But beneath lies confusion, fear and loneliness.
I hide this, I don't want anybody to know this.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant yet sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend and shield me from reality,
from the glaces and the judgments,
I really cannot handle on my own.

It's the only thing that will assure me,
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But the masks hides it all, and it's not said.
I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid of what people will think of me,
that they will laugh, and the laughter will kill me.
I'm afraid deep down I'm nothing,
and without the facade of assurance,
it's just a trembling child within.

So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
as I idly chatter to you about the suave tones of surface talks.
I tell you everything is really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me. 

Remove my mask,
let me escape from my shadow world of panic.
Release me from my own self-build prison,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erected.
But beware, the nearer you approach, the blinder I strike back.

I guess my pretense is just all too real,
No one has to know of the pain that I feel.
The real me inside, where no one can see,
I can fool everyone else, 
why can't I fool me?

Pretending is an art that is almost second nature to me,
so don't be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say.

Don't be fooled by this foolish masked fool.