A Robot trapped in the present 📟

2017 is coming to an end, which the new year approaching. Another year has passed by quickly and unknowingly, filled with a tinge of happiness, regrets, sadness etc. 📟

What will next year bring? What resolutions can I achieve? How different will next year be from this year? 

Questions and more questions, but no answers. The answers will only prevail at the end of the next year, but by then, it is already too late to question where has all the time gone to.

I'm not ready to face a new day, let alone another new year.

Every year fills like it is almost the same, everything preplanned and played out. There isn't much difference each year can make. I am supposed to end 2017 'with a bang', but its more difficult to live up to it than I thought. 

Day by day passes with similar happenings and emotions. It feels like I am being a robot, I have no control over myself. No change in emotions, no decisions and choices made, no character, nothing. Everything feels so stagnant,  with only the date and time changing. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I just get one with daily life, wishing for the day to come to an end faster, so that I can just head to bed, close my eyes and not see the world. I'm tired of feeling this way. Waking up has never been more tiring and difficult, so much so that on some days the urge to continue sleeping is so high, or to have my eyes remain closed for a unhealthily long period of time. 

My life just feels so empty. It is almost as if I am just a society's toy, living by their unachievable standards of good grades and achievements. None of which I have. 

Many times I just want to break down and cry in public, but I don't dare to. I am afraid of being a nuisance in society, I'm afraid of being judge and I don't like the feeling of being weak. 

2017 marks another year in life for a weak and tired robot, with creaky hinges and rusty joints. What will 2018 bring?

📚 Life as a Story

If you were a writer, given a choice, 

would you want to continue writing in the same paragraph or start a new one?

If you were a dancer, given a choice, 

would you try a new dance move, or try to perfect the one you are currently working on?

If you were me, given a choice, 

would you choose to start a new chapter in life, or wait till the current chapter closes as it should be?

I feel like I should start a new chapter of my life, as I am getting tired and running out of things to say for this particular current chapter. There hasn't been any story progression in this chapter, almost like it is a meaningless chapter, with sudden ups and downs. It has been a roller coaster ride, a tad bit too thrilling for me. But the thing about roller coaster rides, they always bring you out for a spin, only to alight you at the same point where you started.

I am worn out and tired from this place, but I keep looking back and am hesitant to leave. Or more so, I am too scared to take either a step forward or back. 

I'm stuck again at a fork road.

It isn't as simple as just hitting the enter key to the next line.

It's going to be an irreversible decision that I have to make.

I just hope, whatever the choice is, I don't regret it. 

Have you noticed the stillness of the night? 🌙

Have you noticed the stillness of the night?
A sudden screech of brakes, a phone ringing or two, 
But that's about it, the tranquillity, serene and stillness.
Lights flicker off and creaks in the staircase can be heard, 
Returning people to their land of dreams to rest.

I wish I had a reason on why I stay up all night.
No, I'm not studying or doing anything productive.
No, I'm not catching up on friends or society.
No, I'm honestly not doing anything at all.
There isn't any reason for it, is there?

If only I had closed my eyes and called it a night.
Instead of spending so much time staring at blank spaces, 
And blinding lights that should have switched off for the night, 
Computer screens that give me headaches in return for relief, 
Or the waiting of a notification light on the phone that I have switched off. 

Stars shine brightest when it is the darkest. 
Maybe the dull me would shine too, 
In the midst of all the darkness and quietness.
And the non-existent people accompanying me into the night, 
Instead of the annoying anticipation of giving up.

The night here is beautiful, so much life at the death of the day.
With the guiding stars and the crescent smiling like a Cheshire cat, 
I wished I had a reason on why I stayed up tonight, 
Instead of these thoughts that course through my body and veins.
I should turn in for the night, I really should. 

Have you noticed the stillness of the night?
Because I do not make a sound.🌙🌙🌙🌙🌙

Lack of Motivation

I give up.
I am tired of doing things mundanely.
I don't see a point in things anymore.

This thought have been hovering in my mind for sometime now, and it has been bothering me a lot.

Someone once said to me:

"You have the potential to hit the right notes, and the skill can be learnt. But you just have no motivation and you are not competitive enough."

I have the skill? I honestly don't think I do... But it's true, I lack the motivation. I lack the drive to do things, be it academically, or even in the things that I like and want to do. I lack the self-esteem and confidence to believe that I can do and actually accomplish things.

I can't be as confident as the people out there. I just don't know why is it so difficult for me to trust myself and tell myself that I can do it. Is it due to my sheltered upbringing? Or is it the lack of courage in me? Maybe, it's just... plain me. There has been numerous times where I have planned to do something, but in the end it doesn't happen at all. The ficus and drive isn't there. I look at the task, and I just do other non-productive things instead.

It feels that I have given up totally,

I don't know it there's anything for me to look forward to and anything that is willing me to move ahead anymore. 

🍴 Looking back at the Fork in the road

Life is a journey.
And in every journey, adventures awaits.
With each adventure, a destination is reached.
But at that junction, a direction must be made.
A decision of little turning back, no hesitation.

Decisions, decisions and decisions...

Well, it's normal to make decisions right? 

Everyone has to do that in life. Without decisions, many would complain that life is unfair and that they are not given choices. Life would be too boring if we can't choose what we want to do, everything would be too mundane, just following the status quo.

But what if you already made your decision, but you are still looking back and thinking you should have saved yourself the trouble and chosen the other choice instead. 
And with looking back at this choice, you think about the previous decisions that you have made that let you to arrive at this decision making.

Maybe things would be different.
Maybe everything would be less complicated.

Maybe I wouldn't be in state already.

I've started my journey on this path of the forked road.
Ahead I should look, but I keep turning back to glance at the fork again.
And the forks that I have already passed in the distance.

Loosening the Reins

Everyone are chained and bounded by diffrerent set of workload and beliefs, some holding the reins much tighter than others. Some even after the chains are broken, they still remain stagnent and unmoving. 

Maybe they are right. 

Maybe I am too strict with myself.

Maybe I should loosen the reins.

I wish I could let the crazy me come out as and when I want it to, without worrying about people judging and criticising me. Times that I step out of my comfortable but awkward silence are rare, but when I get playful and a little less shy, the audience are that of judging and 'this is so not you' look. There are times where I don't even know what is the real me, the crazy one or the quiet and thoughtful one.

I wish I was daring enough to speak my mind and get angry when I want to, and not be praised for a high tolerance level, when honestly I am one who gets irritated very easily. Even now in the duration of my part time job, there have been times when I feel like clawing people and scream at them, but I am in no position to. Just deal with it and shallow it down, there isn't muh that a part timer can do anyways.

I wish I wouldn't be so uptight and strict with myself, making people view me as one who does not know how to have fun. I should be rebellious for once, do the things that I always wanted to do, and do it without a care in the world. 

Close-knit Life

I sat there, stoned and blanked face.

The mess of wool strings surround me, waiting to be coiled up.

I can't believed I have unravelled all that I've knitted. 

What took me a year to knit, was undone within one tenth of a minute.

One year of painstaking effort all gone in a flash and in a haste.

That's life isn't it?

You can work so hard and then comes a point where there is a pause and you start to realised that you actually don't know what you are doing anymore. I've started to knit due to interest, but after awhile, the knitting stopped. I wanted to pick it back up this holidays, but when I look at it, I see the flaws of the piece. It's an incomplete and errored piece of work, that upon completeing will only prove to be an eyesore. 

The efforts put in all come down to a sense of nothingness, no sense of achievement at all. I keep questioning myself, is this right, is this good for me, but to no avail. The answers I am desperately looking for is not appearing anytime soon.

I've chosen to unravel what I have done and start again.

But I can't do that with life. 

What's done is already done, the 'strings' of life would never be straighted and curled into the same comfy ball of wool that it once was.

I can only call it quits and stop here, or I could just continue on the path of mistakes and do the best I can.

Yawnzzz

* Randomness alert - Procrastination and a play of rhyming words *

I feel so tired, but I really shouldn't complain, 

maybe it isn't me, it must be all the strain.

Blame the pressure that is pushing me through, 

painting each day a dark gloomy blue. 

I feel so tired, that I can't even think,

but what's the use when I can't catch forty winks.

Sitting alone and quietly staring into space,

Asking myself why am I here in the first place.

I feel so tired, I just want to go to bed,

but I am just curled up here instead.

I yearn for the warmth and comfort, 

that comes along with a dark reality.

I feel so tired, I should really go sleep,

but I'm sick of laying still and counting sheep.

I'm afraid of the darkness that is descending,

and the piecing of broken dreams upon waking.

I feel so tired, maybe I will just lie on the floor, 

It's not a feeling I haven't felt before.

The cool, calm and dependable surface,

with emptiness and vastness as a mere preface.

I feel so tired, please don't ask me why.

I will just close my eyes, lie here and cry.

Let's Break Up 💔

Let's break up.

I've had enough of you. 

In the beginning I thought you were something great, always keeping me on task and motivating me. It was the little acts and pressure that you always gave me when I needed it, allowing me to do things that I would have never done on my own. 

You have been by my side all this while quietly supporting me. Your presence never failed to appear especially in the toughest times of my life. You came in tumbling and unexpected. It was hard to predict what you wanted, and there's always an element of surprise when I'm with you. 

You were a guiding light in my life, steering me on path and helping me manage my time. You ensured that I will survive in the world that was too harsh a reality for me. 

But after awhile, I have realised that you were too much for me to handle.

You did not understand me at all. The direction you were driving me to wasn't what I wanted. You were driving me to the corner of the world and pressurising me too much. You had your own set of goals, very much different from what I had in mind. 

You made me not think for myself at all. You don't give me time for myself, always incessantly ringing reminders in my ears that I'm not good enough for this world. You invaded my personal space and mind, it's too uncomfortable.

I've turn in someone I rather not be because of you. You have changed me, but I don't really like this change. We are too different to be together, so it's time to let go. 

Dear stress, 

Lets break up.💔

Maybe soon, but not yet

The sun hasn't risen, maybe soon, but not yet. 
It is just like any ordinary morning, with me sitting in silence, staring out of my window in the confinements of my safe heaven. The light from the street lamps were the only steady source of light, casting long ominmous shadows, giving a threathening feeling to a another brand new day. Lights of the houses in the distance flicker on and off, as I watch the neighbours start preparing for the start of their new day.

I should get up from my spot and start my day too. 
Maybe soon, but not yet.
I'm not ready to start a new day. 

I reached out for my glass of water, only to realise it is long gone and finished. The emptiness of the glass was alarming, it wasn't even half full or half empty, it was just...empty. I tipped the glass back, relishing the last drop of water present.

The water I drank did not taste as bad as it did yesterday. Maybe, it tasted even better than it did yesterday or even the few minutes before. Maybe it was indeed the final minutes of my alone time and my own room wanting to keep me close. They were luring me into staying inside and not leave. I never assumed that it was actually my own imagination that was begging me to walk straight back to bed and never come out again.

It was a comforting, this devouring pregnant silence. It was always like that underneath my roof. There wasn't any noise, not even the slightest whisper. I could break it when I wanted to.  It made me feel like I am in control. 

This mighty feeling left me feeling rather numb.

What is going to be different between this year and last?

What is going to change between this month and last?

What is going to happen tomorrow that is different from today?

Maybe I should rephrase my question.

What am I going to do to make things different?

I should make decisions, maybe soon, but not yet.

Complex yet Imaginary

Sometimes emotions can be confusing. It's like they don't even know where to flow. They can be so complex and overwhelming and you don't really know what you are feeling anymore. 

Then, sometimes I wonder, the emotions that I think I'm feeling, are they real? 
Or are they just figments of my imagination and conscience, telling me what I should feel? Emotions, most of the times, are pretty hard to grasp, it's hard to label how you really feel. 

It is like a complex number, where there is a real and imaginary part. The real part is what people see, the facial expressions and emotions that you put out in front of you. Then there is an imaginary part, where it is hidden from your surroundings and sometimes even from yourself. 

I'm being scared and tired at the same time.
I'm scared of the unknown, scared of things that may or may not happen, scared of what people might see me as, etc. All this fright is making me tired and down, and that is what people see on the surface. 

It is the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.
The inertia to get up to do revision and assignments is really high. I don't have the mood to do. Most often I'm scared to do it and then realise that I can't do it at all. There isn't any motivations to do it, its just I need to do it. 

It is wanting friends but hate socialising.

It is wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely.

It is caring about everything then caring about nothing at all.
So much concerns, they drown me. I should take them one by one to solve it, like my friends has told me, to redefine what I want in life. But, honestly, I've kind of given up, I don't know where to start, I don't think I really care about life anymore.

Everything is so complex, or maybe it is just all imaginary, maybe I am thinking too much.

It is feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb. 

Comfort Zones

Greetings to a not so new year!

It is yet again the beginning of another year, with each year being more or less the same.

Is there anything to look forward to this year? 

Everything seems so mundane...

What is a comfortable feeling?

What does it really mean to be in your comfort zone?

What needs to be done to feel comfortable?

Being comfortable used to be something simple. It is just to be at ease and relaxed. And comfort zones were just areas that you feel at ease in. It could be when you are doing something that you have done before, or being with people who you are comfortable with. Or even something simple as doing nothing at all.

Sometimes what we think we are comfortable with isn't within our comfort zone at all. Things that we like to do and enjoy doing isn't in our comfort zones. Events that we don't like can fall into our comfort zone as we get used to the nasty feeling and become comfortable and used to it.

*On a side note...

I find writing posts getting more difficult. I can't seem to pen down my thoughts and feelings as easy as I used to. Looking at older posts over the years, I can easily related back to the feeling and happenings of that time. But recently, the posts seem more unfeeling and just a post, no more no less.

Are my thoughts getting more and more complex that it can't be described as words? 

Is this a sign of ageing? 

Or  am I becoming an unfeeling robot-like person?

This is really scary.

🎄 Christmas Eve Cheers

What do people normally do on Christmas Eve? Have gatherings and a sumptuous feast?

I don't really know what Christmas is really is. Is it just a publicised religious festival? 

Is it a season to give thanks and gifts to the people who have helped you throughout the year?

My family and I haven't exactly celebrated Christmas much. To us, it's just another holiday, nothing special. No gifts are exchanged, just a simple merry Christmas greeting in the morning, that's about it. After all, Christmas is always during the end of year holidays, so it is just another holiday to it. 

This is one of the few times that I've actually spent my Christmas outside, with actual traditions of having gifts under the Christmas tree and exchanging them. It feels like a really simple activity, but it brings so much joy and smiles when the present is given and recieved. Sure, getting a present under the budget is difficult, but I feel it is worth it. While searching and exchanging presents, you learn more about them.

Its true, Christmas is just another holiday, but the poeple you spent it with makes it worthwhile. 

I wonder what the new year will bring. 

I am sure going to miss this carefree times and days.🎄

Forgotten Relief

It has been a week since the school semester ended. 

Exams and assignments are long gone and finished. 

School's out and the much needed holiday has started. 

I should feel a sense of relief that I have survived yet another tiring school term, shouldn't I? I should be happy that the long awaited holidays are finally here, shouldn't I?

But that doesn't seem the case anymore.

I'm suppose to feel relieved, but yet I feel...lost and empty. 

Throughout the semester, there was a sole goal in mind - to work hard and do the best I could. Consistent (well most of the time) work and tutorials, what seem like endless revision to do and getting through school days in general, filled most of my time. One after another they are layed out for me to do, somewhat like a routine. 

And when finals are over, I realised I have nothing to work towards anymore. 

There in't anything to plan my time anymore. There isn't a nagging tutorial or test that I need to do or revise for. There isn't a goal to work towards anymore. 

It's funny how during term time when you have minimal time, but you have so many things you need to do and want to do. But when holidays come, I honestly don't feel like doing anything at all.

Overwhelmed

Peppero Day! Oops, being randomz, as usual...

Have you ever felt the need and want to just release the stress and anxiety and not care about anything at all? Or to not give a worry about what should be done and can be done?

Have you ever wish and hope that things are different? And that if has to happen, they prepare you for it instead of it coming head on unknowingly?

Then again, I doubt I will be prepared for anything when it comes to be even if I am given a heads up on things. I'm such a procrastinator. And I don't want to be faced with such things to begin with. 

Things are getting really really overwhelming.

There are too many things happening at the same time that I just want to drop everything and let go. I wanna be free and not be tied down by the chains of school and life. Living life and surviving it is tiring enough for me, what more with the addition of school and exams bring? School and I are really not meant for each other. Maybe just studying for general.

I've always wondered what would have happened if I chose my own part to take, to do the things that I really like and enjoy. Then again, what do I really like? 

I want to give up, but it is already coming to the end of the year. If i give up now, its a year worth of wasted efforts, tears and stress. But, thinking about things after this year is done, I feel more overwhelmed and uncertain about things I am doing. Trying so hard to do my best, but is it going to be worth it? Will my effort pay off? 

I think I'm ranting already...

Am I overwhelming you?

A Masked Fool 🃏

*Adapted from: Charles C. Finn, Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is really me.

I give you an impression that I'm secure,
that all is of sunshine, smiles and rainbows,
and that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command.
But don't believe me. 

My surface may seem smooth, but it is a mask,
a mask that is versatile and ever-concealing.
But beneath lies confusion, fear and loneliness.
I hide this, I don't want anybody to know this.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant yet sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend and shield me from reality,
from the glaces and the judgments,
I really cannot handle on my own.

It's the only thing that will assure me,
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But the masks hides it all, and it's not said.
I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid of what people will think of me,
that they will laugh, and the laughter will kill me.
I'm afraid deep down I'm nothing,
and without the facade of assurance,
it's just a trembling child within.

So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
as I idly chatter to you about the suave tones of surface talks.
I tell you everything is really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me. 

Remove my mask,
let me escape from my shadow world of panic.
Release me from my own self-build prison,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erected.
But beware, the nearer you approach, the blinder I strike back.

I guess my pretense is just all too real,
No one has to know of the pain that I feel.
The real me inside, where no one can see,
I can fool everyone else, 
why can't I fool me?

Pretending is an art that is almost second nature to me,
so don't be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say.

Don't be fooled by this foolish masked fool.

Happy? Really? 😶❓

Are you really happy?

Not pretending to be happy?

What is true happiness?

It's difficult to feel happy all the time.

It's tough to act happy when you are not.

It's really tiring to be happy, fake a smile, wipe away tears and skip around.

Sometimes I wonder, what is it like to be genuinely happy?

What's hidden behind the smile?

A Mix of Emotions 😭😖😑😟

Birthday.

What does a birthday mean?

A day where you were born, brought to this world and started your life.

A day where there is a cake, candles and gifts just meant for you.

A day where it isn't anything  special, really.

You aren't the only one born on this day. There are so many people across the world that are born on the same day and year as you. You are sharing this day with so many others.

But, I guess this doesn't actually matter, unless you know the other person too.

What if the date isn't just shared with other's birthdays, but with greater and more unhappy things? Like a disasters and deaths, misery and sadness? Are you still going to celebrate it?

Today, isn't going to be just my birthday anymore.

Just Leave me Alone

Seems like I'm updating more frequently this year, aren't I? I'm supposed to be busier and have less time to deal with my emotions, yet nothing can be done with the mess of emotions and frustrations I have. 

Have you ever felt the want to push people away?

Just scream at them, although it isn't me, to leave my personal space?

Or that you want nothing to do with them in the first place?

Sometimes I wish that people can just leave me alone. I'm tired with dealing with people, just certain people to be exact. They seem to be tagging with you around so often that you don't have any alone time left anymore. Where have all my peaceful mornings and breaks gone to, where I can sit alone and reflect on lessons and spend time for myself? I like being alone, what's wrong with that? 

Just yesterday, when I finally thought that I could have a peaceful morning to myself, maybe watch some videos to start my day on a cheery mode, you pop by, ruining my plans and my day. Ugh, who are you to come first thing in the morning to find me and tell me you are feeling depressed and down? You just make my dreadful Monday even more dreary than it already was. 

They come to you, invade your personal space, and they are so oblivious to it. They move into my space and I don't like it, but I don't have the heart of pushing them away. I can lean away, hoping that they are being too close for my liking, but they don't even realise it. 

They look all depressed and tell you their troubles, but in all honesty, I do not care about it. Why are you telling me this? I'm not your confidant, I have enough things to deal with on my own already, so stop bugging me. Go tell someone else, I'm not even that close to you and you don't know me, so why can you trust me? I don't even trust myself. 

There will come a time when I can't take it anymore and slap you in the face.

Just when, I do not know.

But soon.

Being Fearless

What does it mean to be fearless?

Is it to be not scared of anything and everything? 

Is it to be brave and courageous, steadfast and strong?

Is it to be a person having no fears?

But how is that possible?

Even as a child, we are taught the emotion of fear unknowingly.

Some of us are afraid of the dark, some of us are afraid of insects, while others have a fear of heights. Everyone has their own fear, from something as trivial as being frightened of the scary creature under your bed as a child, to something more harsh as working life and the future as an adult. 

It's human nature to be scared of something. As much as we dislike to admit it, we are all afraid of something. Fear of the unexpected and unwelcoming, fear of judgmental glares, unforeseen circumstances and failures. 

Being fearless has nothing to do with not being scared of anything. Fearless isn't walking into the unknown and not being scared and being proud of that. It's having the courage to walk into the unknown, the courage to continue walking and conquer that fear. Fearless is having the ability to see when it is right to fear guide you, because sometimes fear is the instinct that keeps us alive. It's knowing when or when not to walk into the unknown. Being fearless is controlling your fears and not letting them control you. That's fearless. 

Easier said than done, I'm letting fear overwhelm me.
It isn't about being fearless anymore, I'm just being fearful.
Fearful to be feeling fear. 

Wanted Lonliness

Have you ever felt the need and want to be alone and not interact with people?

That feeling when you just don't feel like talking or texting anyone?

Almost like a 'leave me alone' and 'don't disturb me' kind of emotion, where you want to be just you, yourself and be with no one else?

It seems selfish of me to do so, especially when I know there are others who want to spend time with me, but I'm tired of entertaining people. I have enough interactions with people in the day and I just want to be alone. I want to be in some place that I can truly be myself, a self that I have kept hidden away from reality. Just some place where there is no one who will judge and there isn't a preset and expectation on how you should act and do. People, and even closet friends and families can say they don't have any expectations of you, but the stressful thing is that they still have an idea of who you are or what they deem you to be. For my case, what they see me as, isn't really me. 

These days are getting more frequent for me. There has been numerous times, especially after a long day where I just want to reside back into my room and have absolutely no interactions with anyone at all. I admit, sometimes the want is so strong that I just off my phone without replying anyone and head off to do things alone or sleep. Sometimes, the need to be alone is so strong that I end conversations on the pretext that I'm sleepy, only to just spend quality time alone late into the night, watching random shows and doing random crafts. 

The phone notification lights up, indicating that there are unread messages. 

It continues to buzz with each new message receives, but it remains untouched. 

It is only after awhile that my tolerance of the buzzing sound irritates me, that I halfheartedly type a reply. 

The cycle repeats with every message, only with me ending the conversation. 

I'm headed to sleep soon. Good night.

Alone, but not lonely.

_ A Fine Fine Line _

There's a fine fine line,

Between reality and pretend.

There's a fine fine line,

between a fairy tale and a lie.

There's a fine fine line,
between you're wonderful and goodbye.

For those musical fans out there, do you recognise this song?

Yup, it's from the musical Avenue Q. I really want to watch this musical! It's different from the rest as it uses puppets to move the story line. It isn't the usual puppetry that uses puppets on strings. This musical uses hand puppets, so you can still see the puppeteers on stage acting along side the puppets. I have seen clips of this Broadway production and its really unique! The puppeteers are so professional! The way they use their voices and facial expressions being in sync with the puppets s highly entertaining and the song list is amazing too! Which other musical will take societal issues like education systems, racism, sadism, porn etc and turn them into catching and hilarious songs? I know this one does!

Why doesn't the cast come and perform here?

Anyways, back to the main point. 

Have you ever felt that sometimes it is hard to decipher and bring things apart? Like it is really difficult to draw the lines at some thoughts and things. This line is even finer when it comes situations where decisions need to be made. With the line so fine, I don't know what to follow anymore. Should I follow what reality deems fit or should i chase my dreams? Should I act based on my instincts or based on vigorous thought processes? 

When do you know that you have crossed the line? How do you know that you are headed the correct direction? Is there a way to know when the line is crossed between these indistinguishable boundaries?

There is a fine line between right and wrong.

There is a fine line between pleasure and pain.

There is a fine line between yes and no.

You never know till you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

Will You Be Okay?

You entered out lives, head first and not looking back, like a ball of fun and disaster. 

You didn't seem to care about anything, not bothered and oblivious. 

You made life simple and joyful, and less complicated then it actually is.

You always seem a little goofy, with that unique character of yours.

Acting dumb and blur, but in reality, you are actually one smart cookie.

Your antics are one that bring smiles and laughter, regardless and timeless.

I never knew how much you meant to me, until there is a chance that you might just slip away, away from me and my life. You mean so much to me, changed so much of me and became part of me that I don't want to let go. Unknowingly I became dependent on you, so much so that it's hard to pass a day without seeing you. With you around, I've never felt lonely, you managed to made the odd even. 

I can't live without you.

Please be okay.

A Holiday Routine 🚆

The roads are empty.

Public transport systems aren't sardine packed.

School are statues of loneliness.

But it doesn't feel like a holiday. 

A day after a public holiday, and it's a Monday. 

This makes today a holiday in lieu, or is it not?

As one gets older each year, there isn't any holiday mood anymore. Holidays come and go. Instead of enjoying oneself, we ask ourselves of the holiday was productive or not. We try to make each holiday as fulfilling as we can. But does this spoil the true holiday mode? 

When we were younger, we value each day that we did not have school, and we take note of it and anticipate its arrival. As we get slightly older, sometimes we forget there is a holiday, but all the same we are still grateful for its occurrence. What about now? It seems like we do not even know that holidays exist anymore, and go about doing our daily routine. What happened to those carefree days? Those days where we can stay up all late the previous night and sleep in the next day? Those days were you can do absolutely nothing at all and still feel that it has been worthwhile?

I'm stuck in a routine.

I wake up in the morning most of the days, do the daily routine of washing up and head to school. After which, attend lessons or self study then head home. 

I'm bored of it, tired of it and done with it. This has been a routine for more than half my life. The process of education and learning seems like an enriching one. Yet, when the end of the day draws near and I ask myself what I have learnt, my answer will still be the same. Mind blanks, clueless-ness and seeing no point in this routine. 

Dumb Dumb Dumb

♫ Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb ♫

Heard the song? Dumb Dumb by Red Velvet. Really a catchy tune.

Just a simple word, but it means a lot and absolutely nothing at all.

Just a simple word, but it explains a lot and it ends there.

Just a simple word, but it hurts, to the depths.

There comes a time when you realised that trying and working hard is not going to get you anywhere. Hard work doesn't necessary gives results. You can give it your all, and the results are still the same. Only if the results were average, or even a passing grade, I would be happy. I fervently hope so.  It doesn't help that I'm not smart or anything close to it. It does not help that I'm stuck in the position that no matter how hard I try, that I will remain in the same position as a always will be, at the tail end, not worthy of anything. 

It is not just for academics, even at things that I am supposed to be good at, I'm not good at it anymore. Maybe I am getting complacent. Did good once and hope that it will happen again without trying so hard. Could it be I'm not trying hard enough?

I can try again. But can I promise myself results?

Its pointless going through over and over again if it isn't going to work out.

Everyone has a limit and I feel that I am already reaching mine. My bar was set low to begin with, and it's demoralising that that low bar is no where near reaching. I'm on the verge of just letting go and giving up. It seems just so pointless that I don't know what to do anymore.

You can try try try, 

and you can cry cry cry.

That's what I am good at, nothing more.

I want to soar soar soar,

but life is such a bore bore bore

Maybe it's just me being me, nothing else.

I'm just that dumb and there's nothing I can do about it.

♫ Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb ♫