An End of Year Goal 🎊

2021 is ending, the year is fast approaching its end.
In less than a week, 2021 will soon be over, and hello to 2022.
A new year is inching closer day by day and I'm not prepared for it.

Have I met my goals I've set?
What are my achievements and challenges faced this year?
Where do I want to go from here?

I didn't set any goals this year, did I?
I don't remember any of them, if I did set goals in the first place.

Someone asked me these questions recently.
What are my career goals?
What do I want to achieve next year?
What is the direction of my intended growth?

I drew a blank for a really very long while.
Silence.
I couldn't answer.

What do I want in life?
Who do I want to become?
Where would I see myself in the next five years?

I do realised I have been asking myself these questions quite often, even more so this year. My goals and dreams, I still don't know what they are. There is nothing that I am working towards currently, just towards milestones that are set by others. 

Personally, I feel like I've been living day by day, week by week, month by month and now the entire year is almost over. It is scary how time flies when one is busy. I have learnt alot, there is no denying that, but have I grown as a person?

So many unanswered questions.
Will I be able to answer them in the new year to come?
Will this be the new year's goal?

😭 Whines & Rants 😵

Remember the sinking ship from last month's post?

Good news, it has not fully sunk yet, it is a lost cause.

However, the feeling of impending doom is drawing closer.

My only consolation, as mean as it sounds, I won't be sinking alone.

The hull has holes, water is seeping in.

I try to patch it up as fast as I can, but cracks have been shattering my futile attempts.

The mast is being built, seemingly strong and tall.
But will it be able to stand?

The sail, thread by thread, it is painstakingly sewn.
A slow process it is, and the voyage date is drawing closer.

Recently, I keep getting overwhelmed. That feeling of not knowing where to start and what to do, it happens quite often. There are just too many things to be done. One by one, arrows are aimed and fired, and the to-do lists keeps getting longer. A slash of lightning comes out from nowhere, unexpected and catastrophic, burning plans and progress. The torrential rains isn't helping either, visions are blurred. The end, I can't see it anymore, it isn't within my reach. 

I know I am not in this alone, I know that there would be people backing me up, I know that people have great trust in me and believe that I can do it... ...

But I can't. 

It scares me how much faith they have in me.
You can do it, I've believe you can.
You are capable, I've heard good things about you.

Reality check. Those are painted white lies.

Those words, they are meant to to give me strength and confidence.
On the contrary, it stresses me out. I can't meet their expectations. I am just going to be a disappointment. Don't pin your hopes on me, I can't do it. It isn't a confidence issue. The more you tell me I can and that you believe in me, the stronger the overwhelming and more fearful it is.

I'm timid, weak and un-achieving. 

It feels like I'm drowning, gasping and crying for help.
In reality, I am just ranting, whining and giving excuses.

As much as I try to control it, I do loose my cool more frequently.

Maybe that is why I want to revert back to my quieter self.

🌊 Sailing a Sinking ship 🚣

Let's build a boat, they enthused, it's going to be fun.
A hull, mast, stern and sail, is there anything we missed out?
Don't worry, we can do this, we are all in it together.
After all, this boat is going to set sail with all of us on-board.

One by one, we left to do our parts.
The voyage date was set, and a timeline was planned.

I'm tasked to build the hull.
I won't be doing it alone, after all, the hull is the main body of the ship meant to hold everything together and stay afloat. It is a big task, but let's take it on. I have faith in you, and you have it in me, we will trust each other and carry on.

The "we" became a just "me".
One letter difference, but yet it is miles apart.
I don't trust me, myself or I. 

With no hull, there won't be any stern.
With no hull, there won't be a place for the mast to be planted on.
And with no mast, there won't be a place for the sail.

There is so many things being bottlenecked by the task that I need to do, alone.
I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can manage. I don't think I'm capable enough to have the entire crew's voyage pinning on my shoulders. It is too much for me to handle. I feel like I am drowning already, even before the ship hit the waters.

The ship needs to set sail regardless.

But what if I can't finish it in time?
But what if I can't mend the holes in the hull?
But what if I...

There isn't room for what ifs..
What needs to be done should be done, regardless.

🎐 Youth 🍃

I skipped a month, there goes my post-once-a-month streak. 
It was good while it lasted, but it was difficult to keep up.
I broke the promise I made to myself, as always.

Honestly, there is nothing much to write about recently. It has been quite routinely, nothing much out of the ordinary happened. At least, what needs to happen will and has happened. Nothing is going to stop the time, once it is gone, it's gone. 

And the sudden realisation hits.
My youth is ending.

Then again, the age range for youths differ from regions to regions. But it is still going to end, some sooner than others, but it will need to draw to a close, regardless. It's scary how time flies so quickly that another chapter has to close.

The chapter has to close, so that another can begin.

I've been questioning myself this recently.
What have I done in my youth? Is there anything memorable?
Did I live my youth to the fullest?
Be wild, crazy, young and free?

The answer to most, if not all of the questions above is negative.

Thinking back, I don't remember much or anything that I did that is worth mentioning. Sure, there are both happy and regretful moments, but that's about it? My youth is flying by quite uneventfully and quickly. There are many things that I want to do, but haven't done.

I want to try travelling solo. But the pandemic currently isn't helping.
I want to spend money on things that I want. But it's expensive now.
I want to be daring and independent. But I don't think I'm prepared.

I keeping finding excuses for myself. I will not be able to get anything done at this rate. I need to take the first step, be daring and just drive myself forward. A couple of years left, and that is it. I won't be considered young anymore.

이사 가자
정들었던 이곳과는 안녕
이사 가자
이제는 더 높은 곳으로

텅 빈 방에서 마지막 짐을 들고 나가려다가
잠시 돌아본다
울고 웃던 시간들아 이젠 안녕

- 이사 (Moving On), BTS

Translation (from doolset lyrics): 

Let's move. Goodbye to this place that we became attached to.
Let's move. Now to a higher place.

As taking the last box from the empty room,

I look back for a moment

Times when we laugh and cried, goodbye now

Monachopsis

Monachopsis (noun):
The subtle but persistent feeling out of place, like a seal on a beach.

Like a fish out of water.
Like a boat in a desert.
Like a giraffe in the ocean.

Side note: Giraffes can't swim, did you know that?

A complex word for an emotion that is difficult to describe.
I found this word in a list called "23 Emotions People Feel, But Can't Explain".
I guess, it can be explain now right?

I have felt this feeling of monachopsis for quite some time already, but I didn't address it. I mean, I didn't know how to. Having this feeling was like questioning my existence and the reason for being alive.  

Who am I?
What is my purpose?
Why am I here?

Is this me? Or am I acting?
Was I pretending to be someone I'm not just to fit in and live up to expectations?
I don't feel like me, but what does 'me' feel like?
Immature? Unmotivated? Shallow-minded?

I feel that I do not fit in, whether within my friends, colleagues,  and sometimes my family. I get that, we are different, but are we too different? It is getting increasingly difficult to hold a conversation, I'm horrible at that. I don't have things to talk about, life is pretty boring. I do want to talk, but I'm always afraid that I will come off as a childish and shallow-minded person. I'm too wary of how others view me, aren't I? It's unsettling.

It is nagging me at the back of my mind every time I meet with people, subtle but persistent, reminding me that I don't actually fit in.

That beneath this quiet shell of mine, is emptiness and loneliness. 

📅 Just Another Month

Once again, I am leaving it to the last couple of days of the month to write my monthly post. It is increasingly difficult to keep my promise of writing at least once a month.

Life has got busy ever since I started working last month, and it has been pretty uneventful. There wasn't anything that triggered me much for me to pour out my emotions on. I'm not complaining, but it is a little stagnant. Not because there is nothing to do, in fact there are a lot of things that needs to be done, but more so that my social life is quiet.

Is this what a working adult life is like?
Working on the weekdays, and supposedly relaxing on the weekends, but that does not usually happen. There are much chores to be done, many things to be completed, and responsibilities to hold. I cannot bring myself to stay in my room the whole day doing things to relax when there are things left undone. I need to help. I don't know how some can just sit by and watch the day go by without lifting a finger to help. Your off days are my off days too. Your days aren't any less precious then mine.

It has been ages since I've talked to others outside of work or family. I'm not that sociable of a person. Keeping silent is my way of preventing myself from saying something wrong. My brain to mouth filter usually fails.

Oh wells, I need to grow up and quit complaining.

Rambles...

📖 Starting a Chapter

Once again, I am leaving till the last couple of days of this month to write an entry.
However, this time around, I can say that I am genuinely busy.
I am busy filling the first page of a new chapter that has been empty for far too long.

It's like stepping out into a new world, afraid and don't know what to expect.

Everything is new, foreign and frightening. I just have to go head on and see where this brings me. I need to do this, not that I want to, but the responsibilities in life calls me. It keeps reminding me that I cannot escape from it forever. I need to get it done anyways, so why not now? I need to live on, for the sake of others, for the sake of myself. I'm ageing day by day, time isn't going to wait for me. If not now, then when?

I don't think I am good enough, I can't live up to expectations.
I don't think I will be able to cope with the fast paced society, no motivation.
I don't think I am suitable for this, it's going to be the end of me.

I don't think I will survive, leave me in my own bubble.

But I did.
For the past one and a half weeks at least.

I can't believe things are brightening up. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be.
I am starting to see why people do this. Fulfilling? Maybe? I am still not too sure if I am doing the right thing and if it is really what I want to do. Well, it is a start, and the beginning it is always the toughest, so they say. I wonder how long would I be able to keep up.

The book spine has creased deeply from leaving it open for too long. The open page has been weathered and tattered, dog-eared and uncared for. 'Chapter' was scribbled across, now appearing faintly, with the number now blurred and unseen. After all, the book is boring and incomplete, there isn't much to read. A couple of false starts and cancelled scribbles are strewn across the page, evidence of the author's agony and a long writer's block.

But the chapter starts, somewhat timidly, at the bottom of the page.
Small and messy, it begins.

I feel useful.

I got a job.

🏡 A Little Dollhouse

Have you ever had that feeling, like a spark of joy that you never knew was there?
A little escape that you never knew you needed so badly?
Or the sense of 'let's do it' and go ahead without much thought?

Life has been quite stagnant, nothing interesting, nothing new. 

Aren't you too old to be playing with such toys? Grow up!
It is going to be an useless ornamental piece, collecting dust.
Isn't it such a waste of money? You need to start saving up.

I bought it anyways, it has been sitting in my shopping cart for far too long. Just a quick click, and I bought it. Was it impulse buying? Or did I just want to go against what people say?

A tiny miniature dollhouse, that what it is.
Fitting into a metal tin, no bigger or wider than my hand. 

I sat there fixing it, a little bit everyday.
And slightly over a week, I finished it. 

It draws me away from reality. Every time I sit down to have a look at it or fix another detail into it, I feel calm, relaxed and carefree. It isn't an emotion that I have felt in ages. How can something so miniature bring me so much joy and happiness. Not once did I complained about it being too small. Not once did I get irritated with the glue covering my fingers and making a sticky mess. Not once did I feel it was a chore to complete it.

Is this what doing something I really enjoy feels like?
For once, I feel the rising motivation to finish what I started and to do it well.

😕❓Who? What? When? Where?

Who am I?

A human. A girl. A person with feelings and emotions.

I mean, that's a given. But who am I really? I'm still not too sure. Do I have a place in society? Am I of any worth? What makes me, me? However, the hurtful truth is, it isn't important who am I. It is more critical to others to see what is the use of me. A label or a piece of paper decides how much you are worth. They don't have to meet you to valuate you. 

What do you see me as?

A friend, a foe or just an acquaintance?
I'm sure I have taken on many characters, good or bad. I know that I have behaved differently, depending on the time and people I am with. I hoped I have left a good impression on someone, or somewhere out there they see me in a positive light. It's not important how others see you, that is what I always remind myself; I still let it bother me. I'm mindful of what others think of me, first impressions and all. It is tiring to upkeep a facade and to be perpetually mindful of the way I act outside. 

When do you think of me?
Do you remember me as much as I do of you? Occasionally? Or not at all? 

I think, I reminiscent, and sometimes I overthink. I like replaying little occasions and happy times in my head often. It keeps me sane and reminds me that I can be happy too. 

There I lay, 
As a society's toy.
Nothing special, nothing unique.
I watched as the clouds float by.
I hear my life tick away,
Waiting for someone to pick me up?

Where are you?
Where am I?

🌁 An Unpredictable Weather 🌀

A slight drizzle pitter-pattered onto my window pane, the sound barely audible. I paid no attention to it. The sun was still high up in the sky, although the air was slightly tinted with the smell of rain. It would soon passed, I presumed, nothing to worry about. A small trickle of rain means no harm, it keeps things alive and moving.

As quick as the drizzle came, the storm clouds brewed over, casting long dark shadows of forewarnings. The wind picked up speed, sending chills down my spine. Billowing through the open windows, the curtains fluttered helplessly, at mercy of the howling wind. The light pitter-patter was soon replaced by torrential beat of the heavy rain.

I stayed silent, I was not prepared for this. The thought of seeking shelter echoed in my mind. It would be much safer to, before the storm reached its peak. But I sat there unmoving, watching the impending storm unfold before me.

The lightning strike and pierced through the overcast sky. The thunder roared and yelled. Sheets of rain wiped away the carefully stacked barriers without hesitation, washing away everything in its path. 

Doors slammed, jolting the silent and unmoving statue of me. 

No one predicted a storm. It happened anyway.

No one expected a disaster. It's a mess.

It was a typhoon that torn us apart.

🚏 A Worrisome Ride 🚌

Avoiding puddles, I reached the bus stop, which was deserted. Maybe due to the chilly weather, the pavements were quieter than usual, with a lone person or two crossing the streets. The sky was slightly overcast, but I'm glad it wasn't raining as it has been for the past few days. From a distance, I spotted a green single decker bus approaching. Squinting through my foggy spectacles, I flagged it down after noticing the correct pixelated digits on the screen. The bus lazily strolled into the stop and stopped a couple of steps away from me.

I boarded the bus alone, for the first time in awhile. 

A little scared, and a little nervous, I never really liked spending time outside alone. The bus wasn't crowded, and I gladly plopped down into a row of empty seats, situating myself by the window. I could feel the cold rubber seat against my thighs, sending a wave coldness as I shivered unintentionally. Maybe I should have worn longer pants today.

Another chill came over me. A pinch of fear struck me.

There is an empty seat beside me. 

In the span of this estimated 40 minutes bus ride, will it be occupied? 

The bus continued on its' journey, not realising the fear of one of the few passengers on board. Calmly making its' way through the traffic lights and under the overhead bridges, a couple of stops were passed with minimal passengers alighting and boarding. The situation was beginning to look optimistic, in contrast to the slight drizzle and started unknowingly. I absentmindedly watched the family in the nearby car, silently celebrating the fact that the seat next to mine was still gleefully empty. Until... ...

That one certain stop arrived. I should have known, it wasn't my first time taking this route. A swarm of passengers boarded the bus, a couple of aged ones too. Seats were starting to fill up. The one behind me, across the aisle from me and even the standing bay was soon occupied. Are the ample seats remaining excluding the on next to me? Do I need to give up my seat?

Someone sat next to me.

I am sandwiched between her and the window. I reluctantly shifted myself closer to the window, subtly glancing at my neighbour. She didn't seem to care or mind. Fishing out her mobile phone from her handbag, she stayed glued to the screen. What if I needed to get off? I would have to speak up, won't I? I rather not. I really hoped she will alight off before I do. 

*Side note:

Another descriptive post, hopefully it is better this time around. Also, I managed to write a post for every month last year. I didn't skipped any months, and kept the promise that I made to myself, which I rarely do. I guess this is an achievement unlocked? I hope I will uphold this promise this year too.