🎄 Christmas Eve Cheers

What do people normally do on Christmas Eve? Have gatherings and a sumptuous feast?

I don't really know what Christmas is really is. Is it just a publicised religious festival? 

Is it a season to give thanks and gifts to the people who have helped you throughout the year?

My family and I haven't exactly celebrated Christmas much. To us, it's just another holiday, nothing special. No gifts are exchanged, just a simple merry Christmas greeting in the morning, that's about it. After all, Christmas is always during the end of year holidays, so it is just another holiday to it. 

This is one of the few times that I've actually spent my Christmas outside, with actual traditions of having gifts under the Christmas tree and exchanging them. It feels like a really simple activity, but it brings so much joy and smiles when the present is given and recieved. Sure, getting a present under the budget is difficult, but I feel it is worth it. While searching and exchanging presents, you learn more about them.

Its true, Christmas is just another holiday, but the poeple you spent it with makes it worthwhile. 

I wonder what the new year will bring. 

I am sure going to miss this carefree times and days.🎄

Forgotten Relief

It has been a week since the school semester ended. 

Exams and assignments are long gone and finished. 

School's out and the much needed holiday has started. 

I should feel a sense of relief that I have survived yet another tiring school term, shouldn't I? I should be happy that the long awaited holidays are finally here, shouldn't I?

But that doesn't seem the case anymore.

I'm suppose to feel relieved, but yet I feel...lost and empty. 

Throughout the semester, there was a sole goal in mind - to work hard and do the best I could. Consistent (well most of the time) work and tutorials, what seem like endless revision to do and getting through school days in general, filled most of my time. One after another they are layed out for me to do, somewhat like a routine. 

And when finals are over, I realised I have nothing to work towards anymore. 

There in't anything to plan my time anymore. There isn't a nagging tutorial or test that I need to do or revise for. There isn't a goal to work towards anymore. 

It's funny how during term time when you have minimal time, but you have so many things you need to do and want to do. But when holidays come, I honestly don't feel like doing anything at all.

Overwhelmed

Peppero Day! Oops, being randomz, as usual...

Have you ever felt the need and want to just release the stress and anxiety and not care about anything at all? Or to not give a worry about what should be done and can be done?

Have you ever wish and hope that things are different? And that if has to happen, they prepare you for it instead of it coming head on unknowingly?

Then again, I doubt I will be prepared for anything when it comes to be even if I am given a heads up on things. I'm such a procrastinator. And I don't want to be faced with such things to begin with. 

Things are getting really really overwhelming.

There are too many things happening at the same time that I just want to drop everything and let go. I wanna be free and not be tied down by the chains of school and life. Living life and surviving it is tiring enough for me, what more with the addition of school and exams bring? School and I are really not meant for each other. Maybe just studying for general.

I've always wondered what would have happened if I chose my own part to take, to do the things that I really like and enjoy. Then again, what do I really like? 

I want to give up, but it is already coming to the end of the year. If i give up now, its a year worth of wasted efforts, tears and stress. But, thinking about things after this year is done, I feel more overwhelmed and uncertain about things I am doing. Trying so hard to do my best, but is it going to be worth it? Will my effort pay off? 

I think I'm ranting already...

Am I overwhelming you?

A Masked Fool 🃏

*Adapted from: Charles C. Finn, Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is really me.

I give you an impression that I'm secure,
that all is of sunshine, smiles and rainbows,
and that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command.
But don't believe me. 

My surface may seem smooth, but it is a mask,
a mask that is versatile and ever-concealing.
But beneath lies confusion, fear and loneliness.
I hide this, I don't want anybody to know this.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant yet sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend and shield me from reality,
from the glaces and the judgments,
I really cannot handle on my own.

It's the only thing that will assure me,
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But the masks hides it all, and it's not said.
I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid of what people will think of me,
that they will laugh, and the laughter will kill me.
I'm afraid deep down I'm nothing,
and without the facade of assurance,
it's just a trembling child within.

So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
as I idly chatter to you about the suave tones of surface talks.
I tell you everything is really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me. 

Remove my mask,
let me escape from my shadow world of panic.
Release me from my own self-build prison,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erected.
But beware, the nearer you approach, the blinder I strike back.

I guess my pretense is just all too real,
No one has to know of the pain that I feel.
The real me inside, where no one can see,
I can fool everyone else, 
why can't I fool me?

Pretending is an art that is almost second nature to me,
so don't be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say.

Don't be fooled by this foolish masked fool.

Happy? Really? 😶❓

Are you really happy?

Not pretending to be happy?

What is true happiness?

It's difficult to feel happy all the time.

It's tough to act happy when you are not.

It's really tiring to be happy, fake a smile, wipe away tears and skip around.

Sometimes I wonder, what is it like to be genuinely happy?

What's hidden behind the smile?

A Mix of Emotions 😭😖😑😟

Birthday.

What does a birthday mean?

A day where you were born, brought to this world and started your life.

A day where there is a cake, candles and gifts just meant for you.

A day where it isn't anything  special, really.

You aren't the only one born on this day. There are so many people across the world that are born on the same day and year as you. You are sharing this day with so many others.

But, I guess this doesn't actually matter, unless you know the other person too.

What if the date isn't just shared with other's birthdays, but with greater and more unhappy things? Like a disasters and deaths, misery and sadness? Are you still going to celebrate it?

Today, isn't going to be just my birthday anymore.

Just Leave me Alone

Seems like I'm updating more frequently this year, aren't I? I'm supposed to be busier and have less time to deal with my emotions, yet nothing can be done with the mess of emotions and frustrations I have. 

Have you ever felt the want to push people away?

Just scream at them, although it isn't me, to leave my personal space?

Or that you want nothing to do with them in the first place?

Sometimes I wish that people can just leave me alone. I'm tired with dealing with people, just certain people to be exact. They seem to be tagging with you around so often that you don't have any alone time left anymore. Where have all my peaceful mornings and breaks gone to, where I can sit alone and reflect on lessons and spend time for myself? I like being alone, what's wrong with that? 

Just yesterday, when I finally thought that I could have a peaceful morning to myself, maybe watch some videos to start my day on a cheery mode, you pop by, ruining my plans and my day. Ugh, who are you to come first thing in the morning to find me and tell me you are feeling depressed and down? You just make my dreadful Monday even more dreary than it already was. 

They come to you, invade your personal space, and they are so oblivious to it. They move into my space and I don't like it, but I don't have the heart of pushing them away. I can lean away, hoping that they are being too close for my liking, but they don't even realise it. 

They look all depressed and tell you their troubles, but in all honesty, I do not care about it. Why are you telling me this? I'm not your confidant, I have enough things to deal with on my own already, so stop bugging me. Go tell someone else, I'm not even that close to you and you don't know me, so why can you trust me? I don't even trust myself. 

There will come a time when I can't take it anymore and slap you in the face.

Just when, I do not know.

But soon.

Being Fearless

What does it mean to be fearless?

Is it to be not scared of anything and everything? 

Is it to be brave and courageous, steadfast and strong?

Is it to be a person having no fears?

But how is that possible?

Even as a child, we are taught the emotion of fear unknowingly.

Some of us are afraid of the dark, some of us are afraid of insects, while others have a fear of heights. Everyone has their own fear, from something as trivial as being frightened of the scary creature under your bed as a child, to something more harsh as working life and the future as an adult. 

It's human nature to be scared of something. As much as we dislike to admit it, we are all afraid of something. Fear of the unexpected and unwelcoming, fear of judgmental glares, unforeseen circumstances and failures. 

Being fearless has nothing to do with not being scared of anything. Fearless isn't walking into the unknown and not being scared and being proud of that. It's having the courage to walk into the unknown, the courage to continue walking and conquer that fear. Fearless is having the ability to see when it is right to fear guide you, because sometimes fear is the instinct that keeps us alive. It's knowing when or when not to walk into the unknown. Being fearless is controlling your fears and not letting them control you. That's fearless. 

Easier said than done, I'm letting fear overwhelm me.
It isn't about being fearless anymore, I'm just being fearful.
Fearful to be feeling fear. 

Wanted Lonliness

Have you ever felt the need and want to be alone and not interact with people?

That feeling when you just don't feel like talking or texting anyone?

Almost like a 'leave me alone' and 'don't disturb me' kind of emotion, where you want to be just you, yourself and be with no one else?

It seems selfish of me to do so, especially when I know there are others who want to spend time with me, but I'm tired of entertaining people. I have enough interactions with people in the day and I just want to be alone. I want to be in some place that I can truly be myself, a self that I have kept hidden away from reality. Just some place where there is no one who will judge and there isn't a preset and expectation on how you should act and do. People, and even closet friends and families can say they don't have any expectations of you, but the stressful thing is that they still have an idea of who you are or what they deem you to be. For my case, what they see me as, isn't really me. 

These days are getting more frequent for me. There has been numerous times, especially after a long day where I just want to reside back into my room and have absolutely no interactions with anyone at all. I admit, sometimes the want is so strong that I just off my phone without replying anyone and head off to do things alone or sleep. Sometimes, the need to be alone is so strong that I end conversations on the pretext that I'm sleepy, only to just spend quality time alone late into the night, watching random shows and doing random crafts. 

The phone notification lights up, indicating that there are unread messages. 

It continues to buzz with each new message receives, but it remains untouched. 

It is only after awhile that my tolerance of the buzzing sound irritates me, that I halfheartedly type a reply. 

The cycle repeats with every message, only with me ending the conversation. 

I'm headed to sleep soon. Good night.

Alone, but not lonely.

_ A Fine Fine Line _

There's a fine fine line,

Between reality and pretend.

There's a fine fine line,

between a fairy tale and a lie.

There's a fine fine line,
between you're wonderful and goodbye.

For those musical fans out there, do you recognise this song?

Yup, it's from the musical Avenue Q. I really want to watch this musical! It's different from the rest as it uses puppets to move the story line. It isn't the usual puppetry that uses puppets on strings. This musical uses hand puppets, so you can still see the puppeteers on stage acting along side the puppets. I have seen clips of this Broadway production and its really unique! The puppeteers are so professional! The way they use their voices and facial expressions being in sync with the puppets s highly entertaining and the song list is amazing too! Which other musical will take societal issues like education systems, racism, sadism, porn etc and turn them into catching and hilarious songs? I know this one does!

Why doesn't the cast come and perform here?

Anyways, back to the main point. 

Have you ever felt that sometimes it is hard to decipher and bring things apart? Like it is really difficult to draw the lines at some thoughts and things. This line is even finer when it comes situations where decisions need to be made. With the line so fine, I don't know what to follow anymore. Should I follow what reality deems fit or should i chase my dreams? Should I act based on my instincts or based on vigorous thought processes? 

When do you know that you have crossed the line? How do you know that you are headed the correct direction? Is there a way to know when the line is crossed between these indistinguishable boundaries?

There is a fine line between right and wrong.

There is a fine line between pleasure and pain.

There is a fine line between yes and no.

You never know till you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

Will You Be Okay?

You entered out lives, head first and not looking back, like a ball of fun and disaster. 

You didn't seem to care about anything, not bothered and oblivious. 

You made life simple and joyful, and less complicated then it actually is.

You always seem a little goofy, with that unique character of yours.

Acting dumb and blur, but in reality, you are actually one smart cookie.

Your antics are one that bring smiles and laughter, regardless and timeless.

I never knew how much you meant to me, until there is a chance that you might just slip away, away from me and my life. You mean so much to me, changed so much of me and became part of me that I don't want to let go. Unknowingly I became dependent on you, so much so that it's hard to pass a day without seeing you. With you around, I've never felt lonely, you managed to made the odd even. 

I can't live without you.

Please be okay.

A Holiday Routine 🚆

The roads are empty.

Public transport systems aren't sardine packed.

School are statues of loneliness.

But it doesn't feel like a holiday. 

A day after a public holiday, and it's a Monday. 

This makes today a holiday in lieu, or is it not?

As one gets older each year, there isn't any holiday mood anymore. Holidays come and go. Instead of enjoying oneself, we ask ourselves of the holiday was productive or not. We try to make each holiday as fulfilling as we can. But does this spoil the true holiday mode? 

When we were younger, we value each day that we did not have school, and we take note of it and anticipate its arrival. As we get slightly older, sometimes we forget there is a holiday, but all the same we are still grateful for its occurrence. What about now? It seems like we do not even know that holidays exist anymore, and go about doing our daily routine. What happened to those carefree days? Those days where we can stay up all late the previous night and sleep in the next day? Those days were you can do absolutely nothing at all and still feel that it has been worthwhile?

I'm stuck in a routine.

I wake up in the morning most of the days, do the daily routine of washing up and head to school. After which, attend lessons or self study then head home. 

I'm bored of it, tired of it and done with it. This has been a routine for more than half my life. The process of education and learning seems like an enriching one. Yet, when the end of the day draws near and I ask myself what I have learnt, my answer will still be the same. Mind blanks, clueless-ness and seeing no point in this routine. 

Dumb Dumb Dumb

♫ Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb ♫

Heard the song? Dumb Dumb by Red Velvet. Really a catchy tune.

Just a simple word, but it means a lot and absolutely nothing at all.

Just a simple word, but it explains a lot and it ends there.

Just a simple word, but it hurts, to the depths.

There comes a time when you realised that trying and working hard is not going to get you anywhere. Hard work doesn't necessary gives results. You can give it your all, and the results are still the same. Only if the results were average, or even a passing grade, I would be happy. I fervently hope so.  It doesn't help that I'm not smart or anything close to it. It does not help that I'm stuck in the position that no matter how hard I try, that I will remain in the same position as a always will be, at the tail end, not worthy of anything. 

It is not just for academics, even at things that I am supposed to be good at, I'm not good at it anymore. Maybe I am getting complacent. Did good once and hope that it will happen again without trying so hard. Could it be I'm not trying hard enough?

I can try again. But can I promise myself results?

Its pointless going through over and over again if it isn't going to work out.

Everyone has a limit and I feel that I am already reaching mine. My bar was set low to begin with, and it's demoralising that that low bar is no where near reaching. I'm on the verge of just letting go and giving up. It seems just so pointless that I don't know what to do anymore.

You can try try try, 

and you can cry cry cry.

That's what I am good at, nothing more.

I want to soar soar soar,

but life is such a bore bore bore

Maybe it's just me being me, nothing else.

I'm just that dumb and there's nothing I can do about it.

♫ Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb ♫

Differences

Each and everyone is different.

We are different from the top of our heads to the soles of our feet.

We believe in different things, act in different ways and lead different lives.

We are different, but why are you wanting to make us similar?

Yes, I admit, I'm different.

Different from the vast majority of my friends and maybe even society. I've lived with this difference for more then 2 decades and I'm fine with it. I don't like changes to be made. I like the way things are already. I have a happy and healthy family, I'm living a life that I already feel is sufficient for me. The difference does not bother me at all. In fact, I really like that there is a difference. It makes me... ...me. It gives me a sense of freedom to lead my own life and live it with my own set of values and morals.

Why can't you accept that people are different from you? 

Why must you try to keep trying to make people like you? 

Why can't you just accept that I'm different?

I'm tired of people asking me and encouraging to be in the same community as them. I give it to them, they try ways and don't give up on their first try. They try everything to make me feel part of them, and be inclusive, but I only feel more excluded. They keep trying to 'encourage' and emphasize this difference onto me, and I don't like it. 

You can ask me countless times, and my answer is just going to remain the same. 

No, I don't see a need for this change, I'm happy the way things are.

No, I've told you my answer before, haven't I?

No, I honestly don't see eye to eye with this, but I'm just gonna accept that we are different.

I respect your differences, but that is as far as I can go.

I'm being me, I'm being true to myself and what I want to be.

I'm being different.

Why can't you let this rest and accept that I'm different?

A Leap into the Future

I'm leaving till the very last minute to update my supposed to be monthly post aren't I?
Thankfully, there is an extra day this month.

A day that occurs once every four years.

Usually its just a normal day to me. For the past years, today has just been a usual day, of academic and family matters, nothing special and look forward to.
But not anymore.

I can't pass a day without thinking of you.

The way you make me smile and be all happy around you. 

The way that you care for me do all the littlest things for me. 
The way you made all the if only(s) a reality for me.

There is so much to be thankful for.
Thank you for being there for me, hugging me when I'm down, when I cry, or just for anything. Hugs, they give me a sense of love and security, and telling me it's alright to be me. 
Thank you for accepting the imperfect me, tolerating with my tantrums and whines.
Thank you for being yourself, you are amazing just the way you are.

Where do we go from here? 

Where will this lead us to?
Where will we be at the next leap year?

There's only 

1 thing 

2 do

3 words

4 you

I Love You <3

Silly Little Girl 👧

"You silly little girl,
You think you've survived so long that survival shouldn't hurt anymore.
You keep trying to turn your body bulletproof.
You keep trying to turn your heart bomb shelter.

You silly thing. 
You are soft and alive.
You bruise and heal.
Cherish it.
It is what you are born to do."
                                                                                             ~ Clementine von Radics


Yes, I'm that silly little girl.

Screams, whimpers and shrieks.
Anger, hatred and grudges. 
Unleashed, exploded and locked.

I really doubt this all will end there.

📑 Another Chapter, Another Year

On hiatus for two long months. Been pretty lazy ... ...

Time really seems to zoom past me without knowing. Especially last year, I still can remember clearly the last Lunar new year, the awesome June school trip, and it feels like it wasn't long ago that I started the semester. Now it's all over. I can't believe it at all. A family trip has started and ended, I'm halfway through a tough year in school, I'm close to spending half a year being an adult.

So many crucial and important milestones have passed by, have I learnt anything? Is there anything I fondly remember and grow into? Are there changes made from what it once was? There definitely are, and it is indeed some thought provoking ones.

One thing that really struck me, closer to the end of the year, is how much love can a person give and receive. Before this, I've always believe that it is better to depend on just yourself and do it yourself. Being independent is seemingly the most secure way of living and surviving. Or maybe it is just that I am used to spend most of my time alone, be it in school or at home. But things have changed drastically ever since the second half of the year. I've learnt to be dependent on people, sometimes even too dependent. I have become reliant on them to be my source of comfort and encouragement. So much so that I don't think I would have been able to make it through this year without this reliance. It is amazing how much love can one shower to the other, making me feel like I'm someone special and that people actually care for. It gives me a mushy sense of warmth within me, telling me it's alright to be me, and that there will always be someone there who would catch me when I fall, lend me a listening ear and shoulder to cry on. It's, as cheesy as it sounds, like always being there for me. I'm so thankful for such a person in my life. To this starlight of my life, subtle yet comforting, small yet dependable, thank you for being my guiding light.

Then there was the whole fiasco about "if only". Have you ever thought what if the if only(s) were not the ifs, and isn't just the only? Would things be different? What made these if only(s) the "if only"? Why did I make a decision for things to turn out this way? Even as you close one chapter of a story, regardless of it being at the end or not, there will definitely be questions left unanswered and open.

What was once a year is now gone, and a new one starts.
What will this year bring I wonder ...