Some Things Really Don't Change

The last day of the last month of the entire year is finally here.

The three hundred and sixty-fifth day is here, 

but I have no recollections of the past three hundred and sixty-four days.

The end of what was once a new year is inching its way closer second by second as I unravel each letter and word on the keyboard. Things around me have changed, all preparing and heading towards the up and coming new year. New resolutions are listed, old dreams are fulfilled and put aside. New routines and relationships are established. People grow older and aged, they come and go from your life. It almost seems like everything changes. From things that cannot be controlled, one's age for example, to the controllable ones like resolutions. 

So I am just sitting here. Changes are occurring all around me, but there is little or no movement from me. My routine does not change, there is nothing much to add on. My relationship with people around me is stagnant and just...there. My dreams do not change, they are still lost and not present in my life. It's just me. My life seems like a fixed picture, nothing really changes, nothing really matters greatly. I'm still the same person, lost in a too fast-paced society, being left behind and remaining as a wilting wallflower. Nothing unusual there, nothing changed. 

Another thing that really does not change is people. The character of people, they way they treat you and view you doesn't change. Even if it's a new you for a new year, to them you are still you. Character is one on the greatest unchanging evil that everyone has to deal with. Pre-set mindsets and made impressions are difficult to change.

A new year, a new dream, a new life.

But for me, it really don't change.

Lost Dreams, Lost Reality

One more month till the end of 2014, time really flies.

One more month till a new year, yet I feel that I have learnt nothing useful.

One year of searching, only to find myself still lost with only one month left to go.

Dreams are important, aren't they? 

No wonder there are so many songs on dreams; I have a dream, I dream a dream, Dreaming, Dream a little dream, etc. They give you a goal in life. They give you a purpose in life. They give you something you can work towards to and look forward to, without having to wander aimlessly. 

Dare to dream of coloured rainbows,

And fine castles in the air.

And a sun that shines so brightly,

Making cloudy days seem rare!

When you aim to find a purpose,

Then your life becomes worthwhile.

You'll dazzles those about you,

When you show your own true style.

Our dreams are not for keeping,

Simply borrowed for a while;

To console us in adversity,

And teach us how to smile.

Dream again of coloured rainbows,

And bluebirds flying high.

You'll overcome the obstacles,

Once you decided to try.

The only way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. Or at the very least, try to wake up. It is only with dreams that then you can work towards your wanted reality. What if you don't have dreams to begin with, does that mean you will never find your reality? Does that mean that you will never experience a place where dreams come true, a place where dreams and reality meet?

Not as Scary... ...

6 days after a Scary Spooky Halloween!

Seemingly innocent pumpkins with an evil grin.

Trick or treat? The treat itself is a trick.

Someone looms round the corner, ready to scare you. 

Who is behind the mask and costume? A foe or a friend?

Everyday is like Halloween.

There are always people who scare  and scar you on a daily basis. They remain hidden in your life, acting as an obstacle in life. Each of them wears a mask, not just on Halloween, but daily. It is not just on Halloween that you see people hiding behind masks, painted faces and wigs. It could be a friend behind a creepy ghost costume. It could be a foe behind the friendly fairy. You can never know a person's true identity. Can they be trusted? Can I rely on them?

Sure, Halloween is long gone, but why are people still wearing masks?

Why can't they be honest about things that they feel and they have done? I prefer living in a world full of hurtful truths than one that is full of lies. You can hide your real self and portray an almost perfect you. That is something that everyone does in today's society. We hide behind our masks so much that the only truth of ourselves are buried deep within our conscience, so much so that it has nearly diminished from within.

The point is, they are not the only one behind the masks of identity.

We hide ourselves from others, we hide ourselves from reality. 

Dropping the mask is no easy task.

I too, am wearing a mask, a mask of fear and insecurity. 

Hope is a Dream that Never Sleeps... ...

For me, Hope is a dream that never sleeps,

Like a shadow, always by my side.

Quietly come to me, cheering me on.

Ever heard of this song before? If you haven't, go listen to it! It is from the Korean drama - Bread, Love and Dreams, and sung by one of the sweetest voices in the k pop industry. His voice is so gentle and soothing, melting me into a messy puddle pool like an ice-cream on a hot day. Oops, I'm fan-girling a little already. But, seriously, go listen to it! It's a song that calms me down a lot, especially when things get really tiring and tough. It is one song that I still haven't got tired of even after listening to it over a hundred times (counted by iTunes).

So what was the last dream that I have dreamed about? 
My last dream, definitely not yesterday, not today, but in the near future?
Everyone should have a dream, don't they? 
Hope is a dream that doesn't sleep, so does that count? 

Not everyone has a dream, I am sure of that. Extremely sure. I know of at least one person who has no dream, no goal in life. It seems that she's lost, lost in a dreamless state. What's her own dream, she have absolutely no idea. "Find a dream!", many has told her, but she does not how to go about doing it. She has nothing to look forward to. Days go past by her like a routine. Everything is moving forward and not looking back, leaving her alone and clueless behind. She wants to dream, but she is tied down by her past. She did have dreams once, like any usual girl, but it all shattered with a single reality. She doesn't dare to dream, not anymore. All she can do is sit there, hoping someday dreams and reality will meet.

A place where dreams and reality will meet, it seems like a fictional place, a Utopian state that is almost impossible to achieve.

Hope is a dream that never sleeps, so there is always hope. 

But what if there isn't any dream in the first place?

Is there no hope?

☙ Wilting Wallflower ❧

A wilted petal is on the verge of dropping, yet no water is offered.

A lone tear escapes, yet no sadness is felt.

A piercing cut rips flesh apart, yet no blood is shed. 

A resounding slap across the face, yet no one has heard it.

A fatal stab into the heart, yet the brutal killing is not grieved.

Nothing is seen, nothing is heard, nothing is felt, as everything is hidden within.

You can wilt, uproot yourself, bow down to the sun and lose your strength, but no one will notice. You are just a flower, a wallflower that is. Not any beautiful flower, not any flower that holds significance. You are not the pretty red rose of passionate love, or the dainty daisy of innocence. All you can do is to be envious of your petaled counterparts. The delicate beauty of the tropical orchid, the adoring flower of sunshine and the justified dignity of a marigold, all you can do is to look up to them and watch them from afar. I'm just a mere wallflower, even falling against a weed. Weeds are headstrong and persistent, but the wallflower is just... ... a flower.

No matter how much you have experienced, if you are just a wallflower, no one will care. The wallflower is of no importance to anyone, and in some cases it is even viewed as a nuisance. 

I'm stuck in a bed of roses, their thorns hurt me.

I'm stuck in a sea of green weeds, they suffocated me.

I'm stuck in a horizon of tall sunflowers, they overpower me.

But who cares?

I'm just a wallflower.

A wilting wallflower. 💮

Turning Tables

Life is like a table. Some lucky ones lead a flawless and uneventful life, moving around the smooth circular table with ease and comfort. However, majority of us are less lucky, leading an obstacle filled life, moving around an angular table, turning each corner with much difficulty, and many times getting hurt and scratched in the process.

At different stages of life, we are seated at a different seat along the table of life. Just like how life plays with us, the journeys made round the table does too. It throws us into unexpected and hard to handle situations. We all start out our journey round the table without knowing the shape and how big the table is. There are times where the table is so small that you keep returning back to your original spot no matter how effort is being put in to change seats. At the change of every seat, a different dish is presented in front of you, in which it could either be a stepping stone or an obstacle. It may be a sumptuous success or worst of all, a nasty tasting failure. 

Then you may ask, why can't I stay in my seat and turn the table to find the dish of my own liking? Wouldn't that be so much easier and less painful? Eat the dishes that one prefers and face only what you want to see in life. 

But here's another horrible fact about the journey around the table. You are not alone at the table. The table of your life is in the hands of not just one, but many people. These people can make thing difficult for you, by snatching dishes and removing your chair from behind you and make you fall down hard. They add too much salt to your food, remove your utensils, make you trip over the tablecloth, etc... They do everything against you, even if you have done nothing wrong at all. 

Then you may ask again, couldn't I do that to other people too? An eye for an eye , a tooth for a tooth right? Turn the tables around, be the one that controls the table. Make them my slaves and stepping stones to get to my desired seat. Throw at them the hardships I don't want to face.

I have tried that, only to realise the tables cannot be turned. What you throw at them is thrown back at you. Worst of all, it is thrown back at you with much greater force and hurt. 

It's no use, the table of life is destined. 

* I just realised this post is one of the longest. I had this in mind for sometime already, but never actually found a time to write this down.

Mid Year Crisis

Time flies too fast... 

It is already coming to the middle of the year.

My teenage years are flying away before me unknowingly.

A new semester starts, an old race finishes and is packed away as a memory.

However, as fast as the previous race ends, a brand new race begins.

There's a new phase in life starting for me soon, but what is there to prepare?

Something new, bringing out a race of unpredictable obstacles, and the unexpected. Currently, I'm only heading towards the starting line and everything seems different already. Atmosphere has definitely become more hostile with uncomfortable tension, regardless of it being within the family or friends. The view of yourself is changing from both your own eyes and those of others. Is it a good difference, I can't tell. The people around me has change, some drastically, while some only physically. What was once just a mere competition to the best you can do has jumped into a heated war, where only the strongest and most cunning will survive the blood sheds. So here I am, the mere insignificant me, already losing even before the real battle starts. 

They say to embrace the change, as it is usually for the better. But what if this change is too depressing and suffocating that you are uncontrollably going down with it? A new race to get you further in life, to broaden your limits and horizons. But what if the race isn't meant for you and is nothing but a race because you are helpless against it?

It has only reached mid year, and it is already stained by much crisis.

How am I going to survive till the end?

Calando Rispetto ... ...

Calando - Decreasing                  Rispetto - Respect

*Just felt like going all Italian, to sound as if I'm well verse in language, but in actual fact, I'm just an empty nutshell......

Respect is such an important element in life. It's one aspect you should never leave home without. Its the only way you can survive and live properly in this society, without conflicts. It is the mutual respect we should each have for one another, regardless of age or standing. The younger ones should, or should I say must, treat the elders with respect. The older ones should also do so vice versa. 

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

That’s one of the really basic rules to lead a good and well behaved life. 

You treat people with respect and they will respect you back.

But there's always another side to this. The darker side, which could eventually get darker. You can treat people with respect, give them your best interest, be well mannered towards them, hoping they will treat you the same. I've come to realised that it does not always work that way. For some people, no matter how well you treat them, they view you as useless toys in society, with no importance in their life. They kick and stamp on you, making you more depressed and lower than you already are. Your well mannered words and behaviour are only to be fallen on the deafness and blindness of their unloving souls. And worst of all, regardless of how bad they have treated me, I still cannot bring myself to treat them the same way they have done to me. I feel like bringing my hands across their faces and scream at them to treat people with respect! I don't care if you hate me or give me treatment lower than those of the untouchable caste in society, but at least treat our elders with respect! 

So here I am questioning myself, am I a fool? To be mistreated by those younger souls, and not doing anything about it? Maybe I am, just a fool who is a mere stepping stone for people.

Rispetto...
A simple word, yet it means so much...
With enough power to break relationships and turn my world into a broken one... 

By the Sidelines... ...

Don't get involved.

Don't be a busybody.

Just solve your own problems.

Keep quiet, don't speak, don't tell.

Stay by the sidelines.

That seems like the easiest way to live a life, isn't it? The simplest motto in life. It's a totally "mind-your-own-business" kind of attitude. Do the things that are crucial to your life only. Do what's the best for yourself. Why care about others? They mean you no good. They only snatch away your opportunities and push you even further down. Till now, Darwin's theory of evolution remains true. Only the strongest of species will survive. As you grow up, you will learn that only the most "selfish" in this sense will survive in this close to heartless competitive world. Fight for yourself, want the best for yourself. Why bother yourself with things that don't directly affect you? Only deal with the things related to you or when it comes to you. Just... ...do things your way. 

Is it even possible? Seems like it isn't, or just for me at least.

People are going to view you as a selfish and self-centered person. How they view you, is it important? Should I really care? You can choose not to care, ignore those looks people are giving you and fend for yourself. Fight for yourself, no one else. But... can you really ignore it? Can you really live your life, being alone in this world. Are you able to live solely as a loner? To live with you and yourself against the unknown world who is going to to view judge and test you for all its worth? Can you managed?

That's the sad truth about life.

You got to live it the hard way to enjoy it.

Staying by the sidelines will bring you nowhere. 

An Un-listened Listener

Strains of music from the stereo floats through the air, 

Accompanied by the soft melodious chirping outside the window.

A phone rings and a conversation is held.

The same phone relights, a message is received and replied.

A voice calls out to me, and I follow it without questioning.

Listen to these sounds of life and be a listener. Listen to the sound of nature, listen to the human speech, listen to the vent of other humans. You have two ears but one mouth for a reason. You should listen more than you speak. Be a good friend, a good sister and daughter, and listen to the troubles of others, comforting them when you need to. Just listen, it makes  life so much easier and more pleasant for both yourself and the teller. The latter will be more comfortable than the listening former, who just listens, hoping it will dwell over fast.

As you can guess, I am a listener. To such an extent that I have done majority listening in my life, and hardly being listened to at all. A listening ear, a comforting hug and an understanding smile, just talk and I will listen. Vent your frustrations and anger, the listener  in me will sit by you till the storms calm.

But, now who is going to help me with my own chaotic sea of emotions and troubles? A listener needs someone to listen too. I'm just a human, with two ears and a hardly ever used mouth. I need someone to talk to, to lean on, and someone to return the comfort that I have given to others. Just someone who will hug me and tell me everything's going to be okay. I feel like crying and opening up my tightly filled bottle of emotions, but there seems like there's no listener to spare. 

I will listen to you, 

But who is going to listen to me?

Hello to Myself... ...

What defines ME? What does ME stands for? 

Who am I suppose to be? Who am I? 

So many questions, but not one of them can be answered by the person itself, which is ME. Yup, the fact is glaring in my face. I've lost my true self, or rather I have never known myself and see myself clearly. 

So I have decided to post something just out of the ordinary. The idea actually came from a song's lyrics - Hello to Myself (Dream High 2 OST) *no copyright infringement intended 

"Hello" is just a simple greeting spoken to everyone, yet it could mean so much more.

Have you tried saying hello to yourself? not your present self, but the self of your future? I know it sounds absurd and crazy, but wouldn't it be great if you could? It could answer all your questions and insecurities that the future is meant to hold.  On top of that, through just a simple hello, I could find my true self, if it is even there to begin with... ...
So here I am, lost in the world of ME, writing to myself, hoping to get an answer, finally. Here it goes... ...

Hello, this is April 2014, on a cold rainy day.

Where are you - how close are you,

To the dream that I've dreamed repeatedly of?

The one dream that seems impossible to reach.

Here, I'm still falling and crying again.  

I'm hurt and tired, having no strength to get up.

I have lost myself, lost the will to dream,

But you would probably see me and smile.

Hello to myself,

Will you comfort me by saying don't cry?

Hello to myself,

Will you tell me that I can do it?

Hello - Don't cry, Hello - Get up.

How are you - how is it like to fulfil your dream?

Doesn't it hurt when you pinch yourself?

Is it possible that the dreams has reached reality?

Or is it sometimes boring because it's a become a normal routine for you?

If you ever get lonely or tired, will you remember the dream that you begin with?

Hello to myself,

Will you think of me here and smile?

Hello to myself,

Will you be happy to the point where your heart overflows?

Hello - Smile, Hello - Just like that.

Hello to myself,

Will you not forget me, who used to dream?

Will you still lose me, a fact that never changed... ...

    

All questions but no answers... ...I guess I have to wait to find out.

Growing Up & Drifting Apart

A day before Valentine's Day...but I don't have a valentine.

The second last day of the Lunar New Year...but nothing has changed.

Growing up can be both a good thing and bad thing, but I can only see the pessimistic side of it. Sure, the good part of growing up leaves memories of happy yesterdays, more friendships, gives you more freedom and independence...supposedly. But these optimistic things don't leave as lasting as impression as the negative ones. Positive things come and goes away after its joy is done. Negative things leave a mark and scar behind that is hard to erase and forget. 

Growing up comes with more responsibilities. no wonder they say life is fair in some ways. When you are young, you have the energy and time to do things you want, but you don't have the capital to do so. As a working adult, you have the capital and energy, what you are missing is the time. At the last stage of your life, what you are left with is the capital and the remaining time you have left, bit the lack of energy to do anything or everything. Life gives us fair treatment when it comes to making things hard at every stage of your life. 

Now, I've grown up a bit, to the stage where you are earning some money and a little freedom to do things you want. Just a little independence, my life is still controlled by the people with higher stages in life. So that's the thing. You are doing the things you want, you end up spending more time alone and thinking. You have started working from dawn to dusk, to earn enough capital to grant both your wishes and materialistic wants. You are happy when you get what you want, but in the process of it, you are losing the things that you already have and need. Drifting away from your family and friends as you pursue a goal. Gain a goal, lose a friend. In the midst of your great pursuit, you spent less time in relationships, and then it breaks and fall apart. 

Yup, I've started working. I spent lesser time at home, only to see them at dinner, or if I'm lucky, a glimpse of them in the morning. I can feel the relationship and communication within the family is being strained, with more conflicts, misunderstandings and quarrels, as each of us chase our supposed dreams of life. My friends and I hardly meet up anymore, we hardly even have the time to text each other a simple 'how are you', let alone to reply a message wholeheartedly. 

A single world, a single you, a single life.

Leave it to the fullest, you only live once.

But the simple and inescapable act of growing up destroys it all... ...

Growing Up & Hurting

New Year has come and go.

Even the Lunar New Year has left its mark of red packets, goodies and... sore throats.

Second by second, times flies past.

Days by days, they cannot be unwind.

Months by months, you are always getting older with every breath and step you take.

Age isn't just a number. It is a number that keeps on increasing and doesn't stop. Growing up into independence, into maturity, to be part of a future that one always look forward to. But growing up isn't always a good thing. The older you get, the more responsibilities you have to uphold. You need to be more mature, you cannot show your inner child self. More faults can be placed on you, and you have little or no choice but to shoulder the heavy burden of them.

The older you become, the more things you would have feel and experience. The sweet rainbows of life, the fiery passion of both love and dreams, to the darkest and deepest pits of hurt, failure and remorse. With each experience, we are wounded, healed and then scarred again. Sometimes even before the previous cuts and wounds have been stitched, another has been engraved into your heart, bolder and deeper than before. The older you get the more hurt you face. Your heart has been cut by words and wounded with hurt so much that no matter how much you stitch it back up, it can no longer regain its shape. 

So there sits my heart beating softly and slowly, afraid of the world. A heart, no longer its shape, filled with scars cut too deeply by my very own loved and trusted ones. Beat by beat, its growing tired of stitching itself up. It is growing older and loses power to fight back. A heart, no longer a heart, to feel, to love, to be happy... 

Why grow up only to be hurt?

I don't want to grow up, but hurt still comes my way.

Being the Odd Itself...

My first entry of the not-so-new year. Well, I'm suppose to start the new year on a fresh and positive note, but some things can't be helped, some things cannot change even across the years. Yup, so here's another side of the seemingly optimistic me.

Against all odds. Why do we say that? To push ourselves on, to inspire others to overcome their barriers and difficulties they face? Why not against all evens? Why must we go against the poor odd one out, the lonely independent party that has been left out of the evens, making its life worse that it is actually is? Is there really no mercy in this world for the people who are left to stand alone? No help given to the one that cannot fit in and not adapt to the world?

To go against all odds, to overcome your hardships, to climb every barriers placed in life, never giving up. What happens if you are the odd itself? Everyone is going against you, trying to climb over you and push you out of their life. They all surpass you, and some go pass unimaginable heights by just making use of you as a stepping stone, leaving you flattened and giving you no opportunity to stand up. However, as an odd, even with the strength to stand up, there is no way you can go against yourself fully. You will only be trampled on again, and collapsing with just your own weight, pulling you down to the lowest of all levels.

The odd against the evens. 
Two is better than one, the evens always wins.

The world has a common inspiration, Against All Odds.

But it turns out, I am an odd itself.

It's me against the world, me, myself and I, no one else.