Controlled Life, Controlled Me...

Have you ever thought that who you really are and what is the true you?
Are you behaving the way you deem yourself to be?
What is it like, wanting to be yourself, true to heart?

I want to be my true self, be like my friends, like any other youth. But I'm afraid. I want to be like ordinary teenagers, do what they like to do, jumping around in rock concerts and being happy and high. But I can't bring myself to do it. Something is holding me back, I can't get free from it. I don't know what is it and how long it will last. It is making me irritatedly unusual. I hate it, I hate myself.

Maybe it is due to the controlled life I have lead. There wasn't much freedom, permission was required before I do anything. I didn't have the free will to decide. Every decision made even come with a price or compromise. I am like a star in the sky who wants to shine as brightly as I can, but not able to, because I'm afraid I stand out too much.

How I wish there was someone daring enough to penetrate through this transparent wall and rescue me. I know what is going on outside, but I can't join them.
Rescue me please!

INSULTS, from someone i love...

It has been a long tome since the last post. Here are some updates....
June holidays are over. The family Malacca trip was gone, leaving me with a fever on the last of the four days due to poor digestion.
Youth day has also past recently. My mother, sisters and I watched a Japanese movie-"Wasao" (About a dog, nice!)

Now, down to the real thing, ugh...

So what if I am not smart? So what if I had done so badly?
So what if it is to the extent that parents have to meet my civics tutors?
I have tried my best, haven't I? I have given in my all and really hope to do well.
But things like examinations do not always turn out the way you want them to be or suppose to be. There's nothing you can do about it once the results are out. You cannot hide them forever. One day, the people who you don't want to tell will find out.

That day has arrived, my family knew about it, and it brought about a whole loads of insults.
Why didn't you do well? How did you study? You didn't focus, did you?
I feel like screaming at them, "Yes, I'm stupid, what are you going to do about it? Send me for a brain transplant? Sure, why not? I don't even think it'll work, cos I'm too stupid. ugh."

It is so demoralising when your sisters say that to you. It makes you feel that there is no point studying. I should quit, give up, then they will be happy. I have pleased them and make them so happy, but they do not seem to see it, they take me for granted. I thought sisters should always help each other, tell us to try harder and not laugh at each other when we do badly.

Ugh, I feel like a loser.
I want to cry.