Dumb Dumb Dumb

♫ Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb ♫

Heard the song? Dumb Dumb by Red Velvet. Really a catchy tune.

Just a simple word, but it means a lot and absolutely nothing at all.

Just a simple word, but it explains a lot and it ends there.

Just a simple word, but it hurts, to the depths.

There comes a time when you realised that trying and working hard is not going to get you anywhere. Hard work doesn't necessary gives results. You can give it your all, and the results are still the same. Only if the results were average, or even a passing grade, I would be happy. I fervently hope so.  It doesn't help that I'm not smart or anything close to it. It does not help that I'm stuck in the position that no matter how hard I try, that I will remain in the same position as a always will be, at the tail end, not worthy of anything. 

It is not just for academics, even at things that I am supposed to be good at, I'm not good at it anymore. Maybe I am getting complacent. Did good once and hope that it will happen again without trying so hard. Could it be I'm not trying hard enough?

I can try again. But can I promise myself results?

Its pointless going through over and over again if it isn't going to work out.

Everyone has a limit and I feel that I am already reaching mine. My bar was set low to begin with, and it's demoralising that that low bar is no where near reaching. I'm on the verge of just letting go and giving up. It seems just so pointless that I don't know what to do anymore.

You can try try try, 

and you can cry cry cry.

That's what I am good at, nothing more.

I want to soar soar soar,

but life is such a bore bore bore

Maybe it's just me being me, nothing else.

I'm just that dumb and there's nothing I can do about it.

♫ Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb ♫

Differences

Each and everyone is different.

We are different from the top of our heads to the soles of our feet.

We believe in different things, act in different ways and lead different lives.

We are different, but why are you wanting to make us similar?

Yes, I admit, I'm different.

Different from the vast majority of my friends and maybe even society. I've lived with this difference for more then 2 decades and I'm fine with it. I don't like changes to be made. I like the way things are already. I have a happy and healthy family, I'm living a life that I already feel is sufficient for me. The difference does not bother me at all. In fact, I really like that there is a difference. It makes me... ...me. It gives me a sense of freedom to lead my own life and live it with my own set of values and morals.

Why can't you accept that people are different from you? 

Why must you try to keep trying to make people like you? 

Why can't you just accept that I'm different?

I'm tired of people asking me and encouraging to be in the same community as them. I give it to them, they try ways and don't give up on their first try. They try everything to make me feel part of them, and be inclusive, but I only feel more excluded. They keep trying to 'encourage' and emphasize this difference onto me, and I don't like it. 

You can ask me countless times, and my answer is just going to remain the same. 

No, I don't see a need for this change, I'm happy the way things are.

No, I've told you my answer before, haven't I?

No, I honestly don't see eye to eye with this, but I'm just gonna accept that we are different.

I respect your differences, but that is as far as I can go.

I'm being me, I'm being true to myself and what I want to be.

I'm being different.

Why can't you let this rest and accept that I'm different?

A Leap into the Future

I'm leaving till the very last minute to update my supposed to be monthly post aren't I?
Thankfully, there is an extra day this month.

A day that occurs once every four years.

Usually its just a normal day to me. For the past years, today has just been a usual day, of academic and family matters, nothing special and look forward to.
But not anymore.

I can't pass a day without thinking of you.

The way you make me smile and be all happy around you. 

The way that you care for me do all the littlest things for me. 
The way you made all the if only(s) a reality for me.

There is so much to be thankful for.
Thank you for being there for me, hugging me when I'm down, when I cry, or just for anything. Hugs, they give me a sense of love and security, and telling me it's alright to be me. 
Thank you for accepting the imperfect me, tolerating with my tantrums and whines.
Thank you for being yourself, you are amazing just the way you are.

Where do we go from here? 

Where will this lead us to?
Where will we be at the next leap year?

There's only 

1 thing 

2 do

3 words

4 you

I Love You <3

Silly Little Girl 👧

"You silly little girl,
You think you've survived so long that survival shouldn't hurt anymore.
You keep trying to turn your body bulletproof.
You keep trying to turn your heart bomb shelter.

You silly thing. 
You are soft and alive.
You bruise and heal.
Cherish it.
It is what you are born to do."
                                                                                             ~ Clementine von Radics


Yes, I'm that silly little girl.

Screams, whimpers and shrieks.
Anger, hatred and grudges. 
Unleashed, exploded and locked.

I really doubt this all will end there.

📑 Another Chapter, Another Year

On hiatus for two long months. Been pretty lazy ... ...

Time really seems to zoom past me without knowing. Especially last year, I still can remember clearly the last Lunar new year, the awesome June school trip, and it feels like it wasn't long ago that I started the semester. Now it's all over. I can't believe it at all. A family trip has started and ended, I'm halfway through a tough year in school, I'm close to spending half a year being an adult.

So many crucial and important milestones have passed by, have I learnt anything? Is there anything I fondly remember and grow into? Are there changes made from what it once was? There definitely are, and it is indeed some thought provoking ones.

One thing that really struck me, closer to the end of the year, is how much love can a person give and receive. Before this, I've always believe that it is better to depend on just yourself and do it yourself. Being independent is seemingly the most secure way of living and surviving. Or maybe it is just that I am used to spend most of my time alone, be it in school or at home. But things have changed drastically ever since the second half of the year. I've learnt to be dependent on people, sometimes even too dependent. I have become reliant on them to be my source of comfort and encouragement. So much so that I don't think I would have been able to make it through this year without this reliance. It is amazing how much love can one shower to the other, making me feel like I'm someone special and that people actually care for. It gives me a mushy sense of warmth within me, telling me it's alright to be me, and that there will always be someone there who would catch me when I fall, lend me a listening ear and shoulder to cry on. It's, as cheesy as it sounds, like always being there for me. I'm so thankful for such a person in my life. To this starlight of my life, subtle yet comforting, small yet dependable, thank you for being my guiding light.

Then there was the whole fiasco about "if only". Have you ever thought what if the if only(s) were not the ifs, and isn't just the only? Would things be different? What made these if only(s) the "if only"? Why did I make a decision for things to turn out this way? Even as you close one chapter of a story, regardless of it being at the end or not, there will definitely be questions left unanswered and open.

What was once a year is now gone, and a new one starts.
What will this year bring I wonder ...

A Choice of Time ⏰

The 10th month of what was once a new year. Time flies too quickly, too fast for my liking. The feeling of a new year still remains fresh in my mind even though it's already close to the end.

Time, won't you wait for me?

I'm getting breathless trying to catch up with you,

Let alone run the same pace with you.

Here I am, sitting after a hectic day, attempting to write an entry. So much for promising myself to update at least once a month, and I'm  barely keeping to it. Blame it on the life of a school student. Once one has passed the half semester mark, there is no turning back and all you can do is to trudge seemingly tirelessly forward. One wrong move you could come tumbling backward and restart this never ending race. A lot of things have had happen, some of them I'm still in the midst of experiencing and solving. Sometimes these things built up, some nerve wrecking, some confusing, some heart breaking or a mixture of emotions that I can't exactly pinpoint what they are.

Enough of ranting. Back to the main point.

Someone asked me a question once, which I felt was pretty thought provoking. 

Have you ever thought, if you could have control over time, would you fast forward it or turn it back to a certain period of the past?

As time rewinds, you are able to correct past mistakes, done better things, make better choices, undo your regrets. But what if these alternative paths that you thought was better isn't exactly what you thought it would be?

As time travels, you get to see the future, the achievements that you have made, be proud of yourself. But what if the future isn't one that you have been working towards presently? Are all efforts gone to waste? 

There are days where you would choose one option, and on other days you might choose the latter. It is a choice that changes with time. Maybe it is just better to live in the present, let things take it's natural course. Some things are just meant to happen, some things are just meant to be kept this way. There is no need for one to change their choice, it's their choice after all.

Seems like I'm stuck in the present,

Outlined by the past,

Destined by the future.

🍬 Keeping it Sweet and Simple 🍭

The previous post was one of the shortest so far wasn't it?

Why so? Because I'm going to follow the new theory I created!

The K.I.S.S theorem

Keeping It Sweet and Simple!

(Pretty lame, but I just had to write that down, hee hee)

Nah, I'm just joking, I was much too lazy and busy to write something too long.

Sometimes keeping it simple is the sweetest and the most enjoyable thing. You don't have to worry about whether things will go as planned or what will happen next. 

As we grow older, we tend to overlook the simplicity of things. We ourselves we make things more complicated than it actually is. Some of us over prepare, some of us are too fearful and think too much. But we forgot about the very basis of everything. The basic goal, the simple emotions which are sometimes the happiest and sweetest. 

Simple things like spending quality time together, be it having a meal or just plain talking with each other can put smiles that lit up a face. It's so fulfilling and satisfying. Why plan an extravagant event, only to feel uncomfortable and tired from all the social interactions? Maybe it is just me, but I find having to entertain and mix around with too many people tiring and draining.

Keeping it simple and sweet.

You get the point.

That's it.

Just...bored...

There isn't a goal any more.
There isn't anything to complain about.
There isn't anything to look forward to any more.

Day by day, it is passing by like a mundane and routinely cycle.
Day by day, faced with the same problems and failures.
Day by day, its the same, I'm getting immune to it.

There wasn't a change.
There wasn't courage to make a difference.
There wasn't a dream to begin with.

👩 Different MEs 👧

Looks like I have forsaken you for very long! It has been more than a month since I last posted anything. I'm such a procrastinator! Never actually found a time to consolidate my thoughts and feelings even though so many things have occurred and I'm dying to let someone know everything but I simply cannot find the right words for it. Or maybe it's more like I'm being plain lazy.

So here I am, finally settling down in the quietness and peace of my bedroom to type this out. Facing the laptop screen, finally hearing my own thoughts and figuring how to put them down in words. That is still a difficult task for me - putting thoughts into words, even though I have done numerous posts before this.

I have come to realise that there are different sides of me that I show different people. It's just a single me, but the way I act around people differ from group to group. It isn't like the groups of people differ by much, they are all friends that I trust and treasure, friends that I would want to remember and create new memories with.

With my friends whom I have known for 5 or more years, I then to be more of the quiet reserve me. I don't speak much unless a question is ask or I am spoken to. Sure, there are specks of playfulness and teasing time to time but that's about it. In front of them, I'm not one to speak up unless it's a one to one conversation. Even if I do, the general conversations do not last. 

On the other hand, with the newest group of friends I have made, I tend to be all motherly and yet playfully childish around them. Maybe because majority of them are all older than me? Here, I am one that usually initiate most of the conversations. There are times that I'm quiet and less out-going too, but those times have been brought to a minimal.

Then, there's a me that usually only appears when I'm alone. Free from judgements, free from the public eyes, free from anything. It is a time that I can just let lose, be myself, think for myself. That's when I can be true to myself and let my emotions take a turn for themselves. Even in front of my family I act differently. 

A single me, so many acts, so many different sides of me.

Which is really me?

Temper and Torlerance 🔥

Don't lose your temper, don't.

It is not worth it, it isn't going to make a difference.

Control your temper, control.

You have no right to lose your temper.

Just tolerate it, tolerate.

But it is easier said than done.

Sometimes when you are feeling so angry, or upset over certain issues that one feels like just cussing out loud. Sure, it isn't the most rational thing to do, yet I am just tempted to do it, to prove that you shouldn't mess with me. Scream my head off, let the anger flow freely in my veins. Burn anything that dare provoke me and stand in my way. Be violent, sarcastic and mean for once. That's a drastic and maybe a good change for once.

But it's so not me. 

Even if I do, I am going to get into a whole load of trouble, making matters worse. 

When everything comes crashing towards you, you can't say anything, there's no time to react at all. All you can do is be drown in this crazy sea of emotions and blame. All you can do is listen, that's all. I can't talk back, I will only get scolded and blame more. It wasn't even my fault to begin with. But I will just have to deal with it, there's no escaping it. Tolerate it and hope that it will blow away soon. Tolerate it and pretend that it doesn't really bother me, but it does. Tolerate it and ignore it, but it still hurts so much.

When such things happens, I'm usually the first one to say sorry. But the "sorry" said isn't genuine. Saying sorry does not always make things better. They can seem better and the problem seems solve, but the resentment still persists and engraved into memory. Such a blame is hard to erase, hard to forget. The worst about such situations are that they are never fully resolved. They are able to repeat themselves and comes back to haunt. Try to package the hurt and blame away, only to find it reopening up again with greater brute force.

Everyone has a temper.

But why can't everyone have tolerance too?

1 Step forward, 2 Steps back 👣

One step forward, inching your way closer to your goal.

Two steps back, you find yourself getting further.

Put a step forward with much difficulty, only to find yourself being pulled back by obstacles, by the past, by almost anything that can reach you. Nope, I did not get the phrase wrong. Most would believe in two steps forward and a step back, to keep yourself in check. That isn't always the case, at least I don't think so, for me at least.

If that's the case, there is no use right? 

With every step you take, you only fall behind. I would rather stay put and be stationary, not moving front not moving back. In theory it should work, but things doesn't work that way in reality. Everyone else is moving forward, heading towards their clear goal, and here I am just waiting for things to happen. You will get left behind, get trampled upon, get lost in the sea of emptiness and nothingness. Even if I try to make things happen, I end up further away than before. Finding courage to move forward is no easy task. I've place a foot forward, only to let it be stepped on and shove back more than the step that I have painstakingly taken.

Trying so hard every time, only to come head first into failure. There's a part of me that wants to give up. There doesn't seem to be a reason for me to continue to try so hard. I'm tired, lifeless and lost, drowning in the sea of the success of others, trying to find a place in society. I've lost my objective in life, then maybe there wasn't even one to begin with. I can put in all my effort, but it seems fruitless.

Leaning forward to disappointment.

Looking forward to things but only to be disappointed.

As with every difficult step that was taken, I only find myself heading in the opposite direction, the wrong direction.

🕣 A Bottle of TIME

This Is My Entry, for a simple four lettered word, 
yet in all its simplicity lies complexity. 

Time

What is the concept of time? Why is time given to us? 

There never seem to be sufficient time is there? 
There are so many things and moments that can fit into this short and simple word.

Within Time, there are moments which brings Tears In My Eyes.

Within Time, there are numerous Things I Must Experience.

Within Time, there are memories made with Things I Must Enjoy.

Within Time, there are scares and hurt from Things I Must Endure.

Within Time, ... ... The list is endless.

Everyday, a bottle of time is given to you.

86400 seconds, that is all it has and all it offers.

86400 ticks of a clock and it quickly disappears.

That's the thing about time.

Once it is gone, you will never retrieve it back.

You can never chase away the sunset and find back the sunrise. 

The bottle of time can't ever be stored, put aside. 

A filled bottle is given at the start of a new day.

As quick as it appears, it disappears and is long gone.

An empty bottle is left at the end, only to be filled tomorrow.

86400 seconds to start a new day. 

86400 seconds to end a day. 

86400 seconds is all you have.

Girl In The Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who is the fairest of them all?

Definitely not me for certain.

I'm far from being fair, just plain, un-porcelain and unpolished.

Like an ordinary girl, yet duller than her peers.

If you gazed into a mirror, you will see a reflection. Nothing special and unusual about it. In fact, you see yourself in the  mirror almost everyday, it's part of the routine. The mirror reflects how you look. It's the image of yourself that is presented to the eyes of the outside world. It sometimes show all the external flaws one possesses, accurately depicting out scars or disfigurements that cannot be hidden no matter how hard you try.

However that is all it reflects. Nothing deeper than that. Well, I guess that's good, isn't it? A reflection is an image and no more. It doesn't show the internal scars and battles that one faces. It doesn't show one's inner thoughts and emotions. It doesn't goes beyond the facade and make up that one has put up. It makes it so much easier to hide what you do not want to show and present yourself to society the way you deemed as perfect. Apply make up and the mirror will reflect it all, from the planned skin tone and the measured blush that conceals the 'real' from reality.

Wouldn't that make the reflection be all fake and just a total act? The girl I see in the mirror is not a reflection of me. I can see pass the pseudo reflection that I  made for myself. I can't recognise the girl that is staring back at me with the eyes that I know so well. I can't recognise me at all. It scares me.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

What am I without the make up?

What am I without the facade?

Which is the one that is truly me?

An Emptying Heart wanting to be Filled ♡

My first entry in the not so new year of 2015!

Time flies pretty quickly right? Year after year time passes, we get older, have more responsibilities, more thoughts, make more memories, etc. The possibilities that this year can bring is limitless. However, I can't say I'm entirely looking forward to this year. 

Although it is just the beginning of the year, I have been filled with much thoughts and troubles already. If this is only the beginning, I have no idea how I am going to get through this year, it's going to be really tough and complicated. Will I survive through and stay alive till the next Christmas? 

Have you ever felt that no matter how much you have given, you would never receive the same amount you gave? Sure, we live to give, since majority of us are the better off ones. But what about people with the same standard of living as you? Shouldn't it be a give and take situation? It is only fair if it was that way. When you show them care, concern and love, you should receive back a little love and a sense of fulfilment, or at the very least, a response. Shower them with all you have, and they will love you back. Things should really go that way. But, in my life, it does not happen. It's more of a just give and give environment. Love and care for them, yet you are ignored. On worse occasions, you are even hated and stepped on.

I'm a human too, I need a response. Sure, I'm growing older by the day, I should be more independent and learn to be less petty about such small little things. I should learn to make sacrifices and give in. But deep down I'm still a child, a clueless one at that. I still yearn for that touch, the love, the simple hug. I need someone to stay by me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I wish for someone to stand by me and tell me there's nothing wrong to make mistakes. I want someone to just be by my side and say that I'm special because I'm being me. I yearn for that warm secure hug and the shoulder to cry on that I am terribly in need of. Or simply, I don't want to be left alone. Where's the someone that will help me pick up the broken pieces and lead me back to the right direction? I can't do it myself. I can't go on like that. I'm just me. No one great, no one special. Just the weak me putting a strong front. And this strong facade of mine is breaking down. I'm tired of trying to act that I'm fine, when I'm clearly know I'm not. I'm tired of smiling like a fool, because I am one. I'm tired of being the loving one, when heavy heart is left empty. 

Smile by smile, happiness is drawn away from me.

Beat by beat, my heart pours out love meant for others.

Day by day, it is emptied and given.

But who is going to love me back the way I love you?

Some Things Really Don't Change

The last day of the last month of the entire year is finally here.

The three hundred and sixty-fifth day is here, 

but I have no recollections of the past three hundred and sixty-four days.

The end of what was once a new year is inching its way closer second by second as I unravel each letter and word on the keyboard. Things around me have changed, all preparing and heading towards the up and coming new year. New resolutions are listed, old dreams are fulfilled and put aside. New routines and relationships are established. People grow older and aged, they come and go from your life. It almost seems like everything changes. From things that cannot be controlled, one's age for example, to the controllable ones like resolutions. 

So I am just sitting here. Changes are occurring all around me, but there is little or no movement from me. My routine does not change, there is nothing much to add on. My relationship with people around me is stagnant and just...there. My dreams do not change, they are still lost and not present in my life. It's just me. My life seems like a fixed picture, nothing really changes, nothing really matters greatly. I'm still the same person, lost in a too fast-paced society, being left behind and remaining as a wilting wallflower. Nothing unusual there, nothing changed. 

Another thing that really does not change is people. The character of people, they way they treat you and view you doesn't change. Even if it's a new you for a new year, to them you are still you. Character is one on the greatest unchanging evil that everyone has to deal with. Pre-set mindsets and made impressions are difficult to change.

A new year, a new dream, a new life.

But for me, it really don't change.

Lost Dreams, Lost Reality

One more month till the end of 2014, time really flies.

One more month till a new year, yet I feel that I have learnt nothing useful.

One year of searching, only to find myself still lost with only one month left to go.

Dreams are important, aren't they? 

No wonder there are so many songs on dreams; I have a dream, I dream a dream, Dreaming, Dream a little dream, etc. They give you a goal in life. They give you a purpose in life. They give you something you can work towards to and look forward to, without having to wander aimlessly. 

Dare to dream of coloured rainbows,

And fine castles in the air.

And a sun that shines so brightly,

Making cloudy days seem rare!

When you aim to find a purpose,

Then your life becomes worthwhile.

You'll dazzles those about you,

When you show your own true style.

Our dreams are not for keeping,

Simply borrowed for a while;

To console us in adversity,

And teach us how to smile.

Dream again of coloured rainbows,

And bluebirds flying high.

You'll overcome the obstacles,

Once you decided to try.

The only way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. Or at the very least, try to wake up. It is only with dreams that then you can work towards your wanted reality. What if you don't have dreams to begin with, does that mean you will never find your reality? Does that mean that you will never experience a place where dreams come true, a place where dreams and reality meet?

Not as Scary... ...

6 days after a Scary Spooky Halloween!

Seemingly innocent pumpkins with an evil grin.

Trick or treat? The treat itself is a trick.

Someone looms round the corner, ready to scare you. 

Who is behind the mask and costume? A foe or a friend?

Everyday is like Halloween.

There are always people who scare  and scar you on a daily basis. They remain hidden in your life, acting as an obstacle in life. Each of them wears a mask, not just on Halloween, but daily. It is not just on Halloween that you see people hiding behind masks, painted faces and wigs. It could be a friend behind a creepy ghost costume. It could be a foe behind the friendly fairy. You can never know a person's true identity. Can they be trusted? Can I rely on them?

Sure, Halloween is long gone, but why are people still wearing masks?

Why can't they be honest about things that they feel and they have done? I prefer living in a world full of hurtful truths than one that is full of lies. You can hide your real self and portray an almost perfect you. That is something that everyone does in today's society. We hide behind our masks so much that the only truth of ourselves are buried deep within our conscience, so much so that it has nearly diminished from within.

The point is, they are not the only one behind the masks of identity.

We hide ourselves from others, we hide ourselves from reality. 

Dropping the mask is no easy task.

I too, am wearing a mask, a mask of fear and insecurity. 

Hope is a Dream that Never Sleeps... ...

For me, Hope is a dream that never sleeps,

Like a shadow, always by my side.

Quietly come to me, cheering me on.

Ever heard of this song before? If you haven't, go listen to it! It is from the Korean drama - Bread, Love and Dreams, and sung by one of the sweetest voices in the k pop industry. His voice is so gentle and soothing, melting me into a messy puddle pool like an ice-cream on a hot day. Oops, I'm fan-girling a little already. But, seriously, go listen to it! It's a song that calms me down a lot, especially when things get really tiring and tough. It is one song that I still haven't got tired of even after listening to it over a hundred times (counted by iTunes).

So what was the last dream that I have dreamed about? 
My last dream, definitely not yesterday, not today, but in the near future?
Everyone should have a dream, don't they? 
Hope is a dream that doesn't sleep, so does that count? 

Not everyone has a dream, I am sure of that. Extremely sure. I know of at least one person who has no dream, no goal in life. It seems that she's lost, lost in a dreamless state. What's her own dream, she have absolutely no idea. "Find a dream!", many has told her, but she does not how to go about doing it. She has nothing to look forward to. Days go past by her like a routine. Everything is moving forward and not looking back, leaving her alone and clueless behind. She wants to dream, but she is tied down by her past. She did have dreams once, like any usual girl, but it all shattered with a single reality. She doesn't dare to dream, not anymore. All she can do is sit there, hoping someday dreams and reality will meet.

A place where dreams and reality will meet, it seems like a fictional place, a Utopian state that is almost impossible to achieve.

Hope is a dream that never sleeps, so there is always hope. 

But what if there isn't any dream in the first place?

Is there no hope?

☙ Wilting Wallflower ❧

A wilted petal is on the verge of dropping, yet no water is offered.

A lone tear escapes, yet no sadness is felt.

A piercing cut rips flesh apart, yet no blood is shed. 

A resounding slap across the face, yet no one has heard it.

A fatal stab into the heart, yet the brutal killing is not grieved.

Nothing is seen, nothing is heard, nothing is felt, as everything is hidden within.

You can wilt, uproot yourself, bow down to the sun and lose your strength, but no one will notice. You are just a flower, a wallflower that is. Not any beautiful flower, not any flower that holds significance. You are not the pretty red rose of passionate love, or the dainty daisy of innocence. All you can do is to be envious of your petaled counterparts. The delicate beauty of the tropical orchid, the adoring flower of sunshine and the justified dignity of a marigold, all you can do is to look up to them and watch them from afar. I'm just a mere wallflower, even falling against a weed. Weeds are headstrong and persistent, but the wallflower is just... ... a flower.

No matter how much you have experienced, if you are just a wallflower, no one will care. The wallflower is of no importance to anyone, and in some cases it is even viewed as a nuisance. 

I'm stuck in a bed of roses, their thorns hurt me.

I'm stuck in a sea of green weeds, they suffocated me.

I'm stuck in a horizon of tall sunflowers, they overpower me.

But who cares?

I'm just a wallflower.

A wilting wallflower. 💮

Turning Tables

Life is like a table. Some lucky ones lead a flawless and uneventful life, moving around the smooth circular table with ease and comfort. However, majority of us are less lucky, leading an obstacle filled life, moving around an angular table, turning each corner with much difficulty, and many times getting hurt and scratched in the process.

At different stages of life, we are seated at a different seat along the table of life. Just like how life plays with us, the journeys made round the table does too. It throws us into unexpected and hard to handle situations. We all start out our journey round the table without knowing the shape and how big the table is. There are times where the table is so small that you keep returning back to your original spot no matter how effort is being put in to change seats. At the change of every seat, a different dish is presented in front of you, in which it could either be a stepping stone or an obstacle. It may be a sumptuous success or worst of all, a nasty tasting failure. 

Then you may ask, why can't I stay in my seat and turn the table to find the dish of my own liking? Wouldn't that be so much easier and less painful? Eat the dishes that one prefers and face only what you want to see in life. 

But here's another horrible fact about the journey around the table. You are not alone at the table. The table of your life is in the hands of not just one, but many people. These people can make thing difficult for you, by snatching dishes and removing your chair from behind you and make you fall down hard. They add too much salt to your food, remove your utensils, make you trip over the tablecloth, etc... They do everything against you, even if you have done nothing wrong at all. 

Then you may ask again, couldn't I do that to other people too? An eye for an eye , a tooth for a tooth right? Turn the tables around, be the one that controls the table. Make them my slaves and stepping stones to get to my desired seat. Throw at them the hardships I don't want to face.

I have tried that, only to realise the tables cannot be turned. What you throw at them is thrown back at you. Worst of all, it is thrown back at you with much greater force and hurt. 

It's no use, the table of life is destined. 

* I just realised this post is one of the longest. I had this in mind for sometime already, but never actually found a time to write this down.

Mid Year Crisis

Time flies too fast... 

It is already coming to the middle of the year.

My teenage years are flying away before me unknowingly.

A new semester starts, an old race finishes and is packed away as a memory.

However, as fast as the previous race ends, a brand new race begins.

There's a new phase in life starting for me soon, but what is there to prepare?

Something new, bringing out a race of unpredictable obstacles, and the unexpected. Currently, I'm only heading towards the starting line and everything seems different already. Atmosphere has definitely become more hostile with uncomfortable tension, regardless of it being within the family or friends. The view of yourself is changing from both your own eyes and those of others. Is it a good difference, I can't tell. The people around me has change, some drastically, while some only physically. What was once just a mere competition to the best you can do has jumped into a heated war, where only the strongest and most cunning will survive the blood sheds. So here I am, the mere insignificant me, already losing even before the real battle starts. 

They say to embrace the change, as it is usually for the better. But what if this change is too depressing and suffocating that you are uncontrollably going down with it? A new race to get you further in life, to broaden your limits and horizons. But what if the race isn't meant for you and is nothing but a race because you are helpless against it?

It has only reached mid year, and it is already stained by much crisis.

How am I going to survive till the end?

Calando Rispetto ... ...

Calando - Decreasing                  Rispetto - Respect

*Just felt like going all Italian, to sound as if I'm well verse in language, but in actual fact, I'm just an empty nutshell......

Respect is such an important element in life. It's one aspect you should never leave home without. Its the only way you can survive and live properly in this society, without conflicts. It is the mutual respect we should each have for one another, regardless of age or standing. The younger ones should, or should I say must, treat the elders with respect. The older ones should also do so vice versa. 

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

That’s one of the really basic rules to lead a good and well behaved life. 

You treat people with respect and they will respect you back.

But there's always another side to this. The darker side, which could eventually get darker. You can treat people with respect, give them your best interest, be well mannered towards them, hoping they will treat you the same. I've come to realised that it does not always work that way. For some people, no matter how well you treat them, they view you as useless toys in society, with no importance in their life. They kick and stamp on you, making you more depressed and lower than you already are. Your well mannered words and behaviour are only to be fallen on the deafness and blindness of their unloving souls. And worst of all, regardless of how bad they have treated me, I still cannot bring myself to treat them the same way they have done to me. I feel like bringing my hands across their faces and scream at them to treat people with respect! I don't care if you hate me or give me treatment lower than those of the untouchable caste in society, but at least treat our elders with respect! 

So here I am questioning myself, am I a fool? To be mistreated by those younger souls, and not doing anything about it? Maybe I am, just a fool who is a mere stepping stone for people.

Rispetto...
A simple word, yet it means so much...
With enough power to break relationships and turn my world into a broken one... 

By the Sidelines... ...

Don't get involved.

Don't be a busybody.

Just solve your own problems.

Keep quiet, don't speak, don't tell.

Stay by the sidelines.

That seems like the easiest way to live a life, isn't it? The simplest motto in life. It's a totally "mind-your-own-business" kind of attitude. Do the things that are crucial to your life only. Do what's the best for yourself. Why care about others? They mean you no good. They only snatch away your opportunities and push you even further down. Till now, Darwin's theory of evolution remains true. Only the strongest of species will survive. As you grow up, you will learn that only the most "selfish" in this sense will survive in this close to heartless competitive world. Fight for yourself, want the best for yourself. Why bother yourself with things that don't directly affect you? Only deal with the things related to you or when it comes to you. Just... ...do things your way. 

Is it even possible? Seems like it isn't, or just for me at least.

People are going to view you as a selfish and self-centered person. How they view you, is it important? Should I really care? You can choose not to care, ignore those looks people are giving you and fend for yourself. Fight for yourself, no one else. But... can you really ignore it? Can you really live your life, being alone in this world. Are you able to live solely as a loner? To live with you and yourself against the unknown world who is going to to view judge and test you for all its worth? Can you managed?

That's the sad truth about life.

You got to live it the hard way to enjoy it.

Staying by the sidelines will bring you nowhere. 

An Un-listened Listener

Strains of music from the stereo floats through the air, 

Accompanied by the soft melodious chirping outside the window.

A phone rings and a conversation is held.

The same phone relights, a message is received and replied.

A voice calls out to me, and I follow it without questioning.

Listen to these sounds of life and be a listener. Listen to the sound of nature, listen to the human speech, listen to the vent of other humans. You have two ears but one mouth for a reason. You should listen more than you speak. Be a good friend, a good sister and daughter, and listen to the troubles of others, comforting them when you need to. Just listen, it makes  life so much easier and more pleasant for both yourself and the teller. The latter will be more comfortable than the listening former, who just listens, hoping it will dwell over fast.

As you can guess, I am a listener. To such an extent that I have done majority listening in my life, and hardly being listened to at all. A listening ear, a comforting hug and an understanding smile, just talk and I will listen. Vent your frustrations and anger, the listener  in me will sit by you till the storms calm.

But, now who is going to help me with my own chaotic sea of emotions and troubles? A listener needs someone to listen too. I'm just a human, with two ears and a hardly ever used mouth. I need someone to talk to, to lean on, and someone to return the comfort that I have given to others. Just someone who will hug me and tell me everything's going to be okay. I feel like crying and opening up my tightly filled bottle of emotions, but there seems like there's no listener to spare. 

I will listen to you, 

But who is going to listen to me?

Hello to Myself... ...

What defines ME? What does ME stands for? 

Who am I suppose to be? Who am I? 

So many questions, but not one of them can be answered by the person itself, which is ME. Yup, the fact is glaring in my face. I've lost my true self, or rather I have never known myself and see myself clearly. 

So I have decided to post something just out of the ordinary. The idea actually came from a song's lyrics - Hello to Myself (Dream High 2 OST) *no copyright infringement intended 

"Hello" is just a simple greeting spoken to everyone, yet it could mean so much more.

Have you tried saying hello to yourself? not your present self, but the self of your future? I know it sounds absurd and crazy, but wouldn't it be great if you could? It could answer all your questions and insecurities that the future is meant to hold.  On top of that, through just a simple hello, I could find my true self, if it is even there to begin with... ...
So here I am, lost in the world of ME, writing to myself, hoping to get an answer, finally. Here it goes... ...

Hello, this is April 2014, on a cold rainy day.

Where are you - how close are you,

To the dream that I've dreamed repeatedly of?

The one dream that seems impossible to reach.

Here, I'm still falling and crying again.  

I'm hurt and tired, having no strength to get up.

I have lost myself, lost the will to dream,

But you would probably see me and smile.

Hello to myself,

Will you comfort me by saying don't cry?

Hello to myself,

Will you tell me that I can do it?

Hello - Don't cry, Hello - Get up.

How are you - how is it like to fulfil your dream?

Doesn't it hurt when you pinch yourself?

Is it possible that the dreams has reached reality?

Or is it sometimes boring because it's a become a normal routine for you?

If you ever get lonely or tired, will you remember the dream that you begin with?

Hello to myself,

Will you think of me here and smile?

Hello to myself,

Will you be happy to the point where your heart overflows?

Hello - Smile, Hello - Just like that.

Hello to myself,

Will you not forget me, who used to dream?

Will you still lose me, a fact that never changed... ...

    

All questions but no answers... ...I guess I have to wait to find out.