Overwhelmed

Peppero Day! Oops, being randomz, as usual...

Have you ever felt the need and want to just release the stress and anxiety and not care about anything at all? Or to not give a worry about what should be done and can be done?

Have you ever wish and hope that things are different? And that if has to happen, they prepare you for it instead of it coming head on unknowingly?

Then again, I doubt I will be prepared for anything when it comes to be even if I am given a heads up on things. I'm such a procrastinator. And I don't want to be faced with such things to begin with. 

Things are getting really really overwhelming.

There are too many things happening at the same time that I just want to drop everything and let go. I wanna be free and not be tied down by the chains of school and life. Living life and surviving it is tiring enough for me, what more with the addition of school and exams bring? School and I are really not meant for each other. Maybe just studying for general.

I've always wondered what would have happened if I chose my own part to take, to do the things that I really like and enjoy. Then again, what do I really like? 

I want to give up, but it is already coming to the end of the year. If i give up now, its a year worth of wasted efforts, tears and stress. But, thinking about things after this year is done, I feel more overwhelmed and uncertain about things I am doing. Trying so hard to do my best, but is it going to be worth it? Will my effort pay off? 

I think I'm ranting already...

Am I overwhelming you?

A Masked Fool 🃏

*Adapted from: Charles C. Finn, Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is really me.

I give you an impression that I'm secure,
that all is of sunshine, smiles and rainbows,
and that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command.
But don't believe me. 

My surface may seem smooth, but it is a mask,
a mask that is versatile and ever-concealing.
But beneath lies confusion, fear and loneliness.
I hide this, I don't want anybody to know this.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant yet sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend and shield me from reality,
from the glaces and the judgments,
I really cannot handle on my own.

It's the only thing that will assure me,
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But the masks hides it all, and it's not said.
I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid of what people will think of me,
that they will laugh, and the laughter will kill me.
I'm afraid deep down I'm nothing,
and without the facade of assurance,
it's just a trembling child within.

So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
as I idly chatter to you about the suave tones of surface talks.
I tell you everything is really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me. 

Remove my mask,
let me escape from my shadow world of panic.
Release me from my own self-build prison,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erected.
But beware, the nearer you approach, the blinder I strike back.

I guess my pretense is just all too real,
No one has to know of the pain that I feel.
The real me inside, where no one can see,
I can fool everyone else, 
why can't I fool me?

Pretending is an art that is almost second nature to me,
so don't be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say.

Don't be fooled by this foolish masked fool.

Happy? Really? 😶❓

Are you really happy?

Not pretending to be happy?

What is true happiness?

It's difficult to feel happy all the time.

It's tough to act happy when you are not.

It's really tiring to be happy, fake a smile, wipe away tears and skip around.

Sometimes I wonder, what is it like to be genuinely happy?

What's hidden behind the smile?

A Mix of Emotions 😭😖😑😟

Birthday.

What does a birthday mean?

A day where you were born, brought to this world and started your life.

A day where there is a cake, candles and gifts just meant for you.

A day where it isn't anything  special, really.

You aren't the only one born on this day. There are so many people across the world that are born on the same day and year as you. You are sharing this day with so many others.

But, I guess this doesn't actually matter, unless you know the other person too.

What if the date isn't just shared with other's birthdays, but with greater and more unhappy things? Like a disasters and deaths, misery and sadness? Are you still going to celebrate it?

Today, isn't going to be just my birthday anymore.

Just Leave me Alone

Seems like I'm updating more frequently this year, aren't I? I'm supposed to be busier and have less time to deal with my emotions, yet nothing can be done with the mess of emotions and frustrations I have. 

Have you ever felt the want to push people away?

Just scream at them, although it isn't me, to leave my personal space?

Or that you want nothing to do with them in the first place?

Sometimes I wish that people can just leave me alone. I'm tired with dealing with people, just certain people to be exact. They seem to be tagging with you around so often that you don't have any alone time left anymore. Where have all my peaceful mornings and breaks gone to, where I can sit alone and reflect on lessons and spend time for myself? I like being alone, what's wrong with that? 

Just yesterday, when I finally thought that I could have a peaceful morning to myself, maybe watch some videos to start my day on a cheery mode, you pop by, ruining my plans and my day. Ugh, who are you to come first thing in the morning to find me and tell me you are feeling depressed and down? You just make my dreadful Monday even more dreary than it already was. 

They come to you, invade your personal space, and they are so oblivious to it. They move into my space and I don't like it, but I don't have the heart of pushing them away. I can lean away, hoping that they are being too close for my liking, but they don't even realise it. 

They look all depressed and tell you their troubles, but in all honesty, I do not care about it. Why are you telling me this? I'm not your confidant, I have enough things to deal with on my own already, so stop bugging me. Go tell someone else, I'm not even that close to you and you don't know me, so why can you trust me? I don't even trust myself. 

There will come a time when I can't take it anymore and slap you in the face.

Just when, I do not know.

But soon.

Being Fearless

What does it mean to be fearless?

Is it to be not scared of anything and everything? 

Is it to be brave and courageous, steadfast and strong?

Is it to be a person having no fears?

But how is that possible?

Even as a child, we are taught the emotion of fear unknowingly.

Some of us are afraid of the dark, some of us are afraid of insects, while others have a fear of heights. Everyone has their own fear, from something as trivial as being frightened of the scary creature under your bed as a child, to something more harsh as working life and the future as an adult. 

It's human nature to be scared of something. As much as we dislike to admit it, we are all afraid of something. Fear of the unexpected and unwelcoming, fear of judgmental glares, unforeseen circumstances and failures. 

Being fearless has nothing to do with not being scared of anything. Fearless isn't walking into the unknown and not being scared and being proud of that. It's having the courage to walk into the unknown, the courage to continue walking and conquer that fear. Fearless is having the ability to see when it is right to fear guide you, because sometimes fear is the instinct that keeps us alive. It's knowing when or when not to walk into the unknown. Being fearless is controlling your fears and not letting them control you. That's fearless. 

Easier said than done, I'm letting fear overwhelm me.
It isn't about being fearless anymore, I'm just being fearful.
Fearful to be feeling fear. 

Wanted Lonliness

Have you ever felt the need and want to be alone and not interact with people?

That feeling when you just don't feel like talking or texting anyone?

Almost like a 'leave me alone' and 'don't disturb me' kind of emotion, where you want to be just you, yourself and be with no one else?

It seems selfish of me to do so, especially when I know there are others who want to spend time with me, but I'm tired of entertaining people. I have enough interactions with people in the day and I just want to be alone. I want to be in some place that I can truly be myself, a self that I have kept hidden away from reality. Just some place where there is no one who will judge and there isn't a preset and expectation on how you should act and do. People, and even closet friends and families can say they don't have any expectations of you, but the stressful thing is that they still have an idea of who you are or what they deem you to be. For my case, what they see me as, isn't really me. 

These days are getting more frequent for me. There has been numerous times, especially after a long day where I just want to reside back into my room and have absolutely no interactions with anyone at all. I admit, sometimes the want is so strong that I just off my phone without replying anyone and head off to do things alone or sleep. Sometimes, the need to be alone is so strong that I end conversations on the pretext that I'm sleepy, only to just spend quality time alone late into the night, watching random shows and doing random crafts. 

The phone notification lights up, indicating that there are unread messages. 

It continues to buzz with each new message receives, but it remains untouched. 

It is only after awhile that my tolerance of the buzzing sound irritates me, that I halfheartedly type a reply. 

The cycle repeats with every message, only with me ending the conversation. 

I'm headed to sleep soon. Good night.

Alone, but not lonely.

_ A Fine Fine Line _

There's a fine fine line,

Between reality and pretend.

There's a fine fine line,

between a fairy tale and a lie.

There's a fine fine line,
between you're wonderful and goodbye.

For those musical fans out there, do you recognise this song?

Yup, it's from the musical Avenue Q. I really want to watch this musical! It's different from the rest as it uses puppets to move the story line. It isn't the usual puppetry that uses puppets on strings. This musical uses hand puppets, so you can still see the puppeteers on stage acting along side the puppets. I have seen clips of this Broadway production and its really unique! The puppeteers are so professional! The way they use their voices and facial expressions being in sync with the puppets s highly entertaining and the song list is amazing too! Which other musical will take societal issues like education systems, racism, sadism, porn etc and turn them into catching and hilarious songs? I know this one does!

Why doesn't the cast come and perform here?

Anyways, back to the main point. 

Have you ever felt that sometimes it is hard to decipher and bring things apart? Like it is really difficult to draw the lines at some thoughts and things. This line is even finer when it comes situations where decisions need to be made. With the line so fine, I don't know what to follow anymore. Should I follow what reality deems fit or should i chase my dreams? Should I act based on my instincts or based on vigorous thought processes? 

When do you know that you have crossed the line? How do you know that you are headed the correct direction? Is there a way to know when the line is crossed between these indistinguishable boundaries?

There is a fine line between right and wrong.

There is a fine line between pleasure and pain.

There is a fine line between yes and no.

You never know till you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

Will You Be Okay?

You entered out lives, head first and not looking back, like a ball of fun and disaster. 

You didn't seem to care about anything, not bothered and oblivious. 

You made life simple and joyful, and less complicated then it actually is.

You always seem a little goofy, with that unique character of yours.

Acting dumb and blur, but in reality, you are actually one smart cookie.

Your antics are one that bring smiles and laughter, regardless and timeless.

I never knew how much you meant to me, until there is a chance that you might just slip away, away from me and my life. You mean so much to me, changed so much of me and became part of me that I don't want to let go. Unknowingly I became dependent on you, so much so that it's hard to pass a day without seeing you. With you around, I've never felt lonely, you managed to made the odd even. 

I can't live without you.

Please be okay.

A Holiday Routine 🚆

The roads are empty.

Public transport systems aren't sardine packed.

School are statues of loneliness.

But it doesn't feel like a holiday. 

A day after a public holiday, and it's a Monday. 

This makes today a holiday in lieu, or is it not?

As one gets older each year, there isn't any holiday mood anymore. Holidays come and go. Instead of enjoying oneself, we ask ourselves of the holiday was productive or not. We try to make each holiday as fulfilling as we can. But does this spoil the true holiday mode? 

When we were younger, we value each day that we did not have school, and we take note of it and anticipate its arrival. As we get slightly older, sometimes we forget there is a holiday, but all the same we are still grateful for its occurrence. What about now? It seems like we do not even know that holidays exist anymore, and go about doing our daily routine. What happened to those carefree days? Those days where we can stay up all late the previous night and sleep in the next day? Those days were you can do absolutely nothing at all and still feel that it has been worthwhile?

I'm stuck in a routine.

I wake up in the morning most of the days, do the daily routine of washing up and head to school. After which, attend lessons or self study then head home. 

I'm bored of it, tired of it and done with it. This has been a routine for more than half my life. The process of education and learning seems like an enriching one. Yet, when the end of the day draws near and I ask myself what I have learnt, my answer will still be the same. Mind blanks, clueless-ness and seeing no point in this routine. 

Dumb Dumb Dumb

♫ Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb ♫

Heard the song? Dumb Dumb by Red Velvet. Really a catchy tune.

Just a simple word, but it means a lot and absolutely nothing at all.

Just a simple word, but it explains a lot and it ends there.

Just a simple word, but it hurts, to the depths.

There comes a time when you realised that trying and working hard is not going to get you anywhere. Hard work doesn't necessary gives results. You can give it your all, and the results are still the same. Only if the results were average, or even a passing grade, I would be happy. I fervently hope so.  It doesn't help that I'm not smart or anything close to it. It does not help that I'm stuck in the position that no matter how hard I try, that I will remain in the same position as a always will be, at the tail end, not worthy of anything. 

It is not just for academics, even at things that I am supposed to be good at, I'm not good at it anymore. Maybe I am getting complacent. Did good once and hope that it will happen again without trying so hard. Could it be I'm not trying hard enough?

I can try again. But can I promise myself results?

Its pointless going through over and over again if it isn't going to work out.

Everyone has a limit and I feel that I am already reaching mine. My bar was set low to begin with, and it's demoralising that that low bar is no where near reaching. I'm on the verge of just letting go and giving up. It seems just so pointless that I don't know what to do anymore.

You can try try try, 

and you can cry cry cry.

That's what I am good at, nothing more.

I want to soar soar soar,

but life is such a bore bore bore

Maybe it's just me being me, nothing else.

I'm just that dumb and there's nothing I can do about it.

♫ Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb ♫

Differences

Each and everyone is different.

We are different from the top of our heads to the soles of our feet.

We believe in different things, act in different ways and lead different lives.

We are different, but why are you wanting to make us similar?

Yes, I admit, I'm different.

Different from the vast majority of my friends and maybe even society. I've lived with this difference for more then 2 decades and I'm fine with it. I don't like changes to be made. I like the way things are already. I have a happy and healthy family, I'm living a life that I already feel is sufficient for me. The difference does not bother me at all. In fact, I really like that there is a difference. It makes me... ...me. It gives me a sense of freedom to lead my own life and live it with my own set of values and morals.

Why can't you accept that people are different from you? 

Why must you try to keep trying to make people like you? 

Why can't you just accept that I'm different?

I'm tired of people asking me and encouraging to be in the same community as them. I give it to them, they try ways and don't give up on their first try. They try everything to make me feel part of them, and be inclusive, but I only feel more excluded. They keep trying to 'encourage' and emphasize this difference onto me, and I don't like it. 

You can ask me countless times, and my answer is just going to remain the same. 

No, I don't see a need for this change, I'm happy the way things are.

No, I've told you my answer before, haven't I?

No, I honestly don't see eye to eye with this, but I'm just gonna accept that we are different.

I respect your differences, but that is as far as I can go.

I'm being me, I'm being true to myself and what I want to be.

I'm being different.

Why can't you let this rest and accept that I'm different?

A Leap into the Future

I'm leaving till the very last minute to update my supposed to be monthly post aren't I?
Thankfully, there is an extra day this month.

A day that occurs once every four years.

Usually its just a normal day to me. For the past years, today has just been a usual day, of academic and family matters, nothing special and look forward to.
But not anymore.

I can't pass a day without thinking of you.

The way you make me smile and be all happy around you. 

The way that you care for me do all the littlest things for me. 
The way you made all the if only(s) a reality for me.

There is so much to be thankful for.
Thank you for being there for me, hugging me when I'm down, when I cry, or just for anything. Hugs, they give me a sense of love and security, and telling me it's alright to be me. 
Thank you for accepting the imperfect me, tolerating with my tantrums and whines.
Thank you for being yourself, you are amazing just the way you are.

Where do we go from here? 

Where will this lead us to?
Where will we be at the next leap year?

There's only 

1 thing 

2 do

3 words

4 you

I Love You <3

Silly Little Girl 👧

"You silly little girl,
You think you've survived so long that survival shouldn't hurt anymore.
You keep trying to turn your body bulletproof.
You keep trying to turn your heart bomb shelter.

You silly thing. 
You are soft and alive.
You bruise and heal.
Cherish it.
It is what you are born to do."
                                                                                             ~ Clementine von Radics


Yes, I'm that silly little girl.

Screams, whimpers and shrieks.
Anger, hatred and grudges. 
Unleashed, exploded and locked.

I really doubt this all will end there.

📑 Another Chapter, Another Year

On hiatus for two long months. Been pretty lazy ... ...

Time really seems to zoom past me without knowing. Especially last year, I still can remember clearly the last Lunar new year, the awesome June school trip, and it feels like it wasn't long ago that I started the semester. Now it's all over. I can't believe it at all. A family trip has started and ended, I'm halfway through a tough year in school, I'm close to spending half a year being an adult.

So many crucial and important milestones have passed by, have I learnt anything? Is there anything I fondly remember and grow into? Are there changes made from what it once was? There definitely are, and it is indeed some thought provoking ones.

One thing that really struck me, closer to the end of the year, is how much love can a person give and receive. Before this, I've always believe that it is better to depend on just yourself and do it yourself. Being independent is seemingly the most secure way of living and surviving. Or maybe it is just that I am used to spend most of my time alone, be it in school or at home. But things have changed drastically ever since the second half of the year. I've learnt to be dependent on people, sometimes even too dependent. I have become reliant on them to be my source of comfort and encouragement. So much so that I don't think I would have been able to make it through this year without this reliance. It is amazing how much love can one shower to the other, making me feel like I'm someone special and that people actually care for. It gives me a mushy sense of warmth within me, telling me it's alright to be me, and that there will always be someone there who would catch me when I fall, lend me a listening ear and shoulder to cry on. It's, as cheesy as it sounds, like always being there for me. I'm so thankful for such a person in my life. To this starlight of my life, subtle yet comforting, small yet dependable, thank you for being my guiding light.

Then there was the whole fiasco about "if only". Have you ever thought what if the if only(s) were not the ifs, and isn't just the only? Would things be different? What made these if only(s) the "if only"? Why did I make a decision for things to turn out this way? Even as you close one chapter of a story, regardless of it being at the end or not, there will definitely be questions left unanswered and open.

What was once a year is now gone, and a new one starts.
What will this year bring I wonder ...

A Choice of Time ⏰

The 10th month of what was once a new year. Time flies too quickly, too fast for my liking. The feeling of a new year still remains fresh in my mind even though it's already close to the end.

Time, won't you wait for me?

I'm getting breathless trying to catch up with you,

Let alone run the same pace with you.

Here I am, sitting after a hectic day, attempting to write an entry. So much for promising myself to update at least once a month, and I'm  barely keeping to it. Blame it on the life of a school student. Once one has passed the half semester mark, there is no turning back and all you can do is to trudge seemingly tirelessly forward. One wrong move you could come tumbling backward and restart this never ending race. A lot of things have had happen, some of them I'm still in the midst of experiencing and solving. Sometimes these things built up, some nerve wrecking, some confusing, some heart breaking or a mixture of emotions that I can't exactly pinpoint what they are.

Enough of ranting. Back to the main point.

Someone asked me a question once, which I felt was pretty thought provoking. 

Have you ever thought, if you could have control over time, would you fast forward it or turn it back to a certain period of the past?

As time rewinds, you are able to correct past mistakes, done better things, make better choices, undo your regrets. But what if these alternative paths that you thought was better isn't exactly what you thought it would be?

As time travels, you get to see the future, the achievements that you have made, be proud of yourself. But what if the future isn't one that you have been working towards presently? Are all efforts gone to waste? 

There are days where you would choose one option, and on other days you might choose the latter. It is a choice that changes with time. Maybe it is just better to live in the present, let things take it's natural course. Some things are just meant to happen, some things are just meant to be kept this way. There is no need for one to change their choice, it's their choice after all.

Seems like I'm stuck in the present,

Outlined by the past,

Destined by the future.

🍬 Keeping it Sweet and Simple 🍭

The previous post was one of the shortest so far wasn't it?

Why so? Because I'm going to follow the new theory I created!

The K.I.S.S theorem

Keeping It Sweet and Simple!

(Pretty lame, but I just had to write that down, hee hee)

Nah, I'm just joking, I was much too lazy and busy to write something too long.

Sometimes keeping it simple is the sweetest and the most enjoyable thing. You don't have to worry about whether things will go as planned or what will happen next. 

As we grow older, we tend to overlook the simplicity of things. We ourselves we make things more complicated than it actually is. Some of us over prepare, some of us are too fearful and think too much. But we forgot about the very basis of everything. The basic goal, the simple emotions which are sometimes the happiest and sweetest. 

Simple things like spending quality time together, be it having a meal or just plain talking with each other can put smiles that lit up a face. It's so fulfilling and satisfying. Why plan an extravagant event, only to feel uncomfortable and tired from all the social interactions? Maybe it is just me, but I find having to entertain and mix around with too many people tiring and draining.

Keeping it simple and sweet.

You get the point.

That's it.

Just...bored...

There isn't a goal any more.
There isn't anything to complain about.
There isn't anything to look forward to any more.

Day by day, it is passing by like a mundane and routinely cycle.
Day by day, faced with the same problems and failures.
Day by day, its the same, I'm getting immune to it.

There wasn't a change.
There wasn't courage to make a difference.
There wasn't a dream to begin with.

👩 Different MEs 👧

Looks like I have forsaken you for very long! It has been more than a month since I last posted anything. I'm such a procrastinator! Never actually found a time to consolidate my thoughts and feelings even though so many things have occurred and I'm dying to let someone know everything but I simply cannot find the right words for it. Or maybe it's more like I'm being plain lazy.

So here I am, finally settling down in the quietness and peace of my bedroom to type this out. Facing the laptop screen, finally hearing my own thoughts and figuring how to put them down in words. That is still a difficult task for me - putting thoughts into words, even though I have done numerous posts before this.

I have come to realise that there are different sides of me that I show different people. It's just a single me, but the way I act around people differ from group to group. It isn't like the groups of people differ by much, they are all friends that I trust and treasure, friends that I would want to remember and create new memories with.

With my friends whom I have known for 5 or more years, I then to be more of the quiet reserve me. I don't speak much unless a question is ask or I am spoken to. Sure, there are specks of playfulness and teasing time to time but that's about it. In front of them, I'm not one to speak up unless it's a one to one conversation. Even if I do, the general conversations do not last. 

On the other hand, with the newest group of friends I have made, I tend to be all motherly and yet playfully childish around them. Maybe because majority of them are all older than me? Here, I am one that usually initiate most of the conversations. There are times that I'm quiet and less out-going too, but those times have been brought to a minimal.

Then, there's a me that usually only appears when I'm alone. Free from judgements, free from the public eyes, free from anything. It is a time that I can just let lose, be myself, think for myself. That's when I can be true to myself and let my emotions take a turn for themselves. Even in front of my family I act differently. 

A single me, so many acts, so many different sides of me.

Which is really me?

Temper and Torlerance 🔥

Don't lose your temper, don't.

It is not worth it, it isn't going to make a difference.

Control your temper, control.

You have no right to lose your temper.

Just tolerate it, tolerate.

But it is easier said than done.

Sometimes when you are feeling so angry, or upset over certain issues that one feels like just cussing out loud. Sure, it isn't the most rational thing to do, yet I am just tempted to do it, to prove that you shouldn't mess with me. Scream my head off, let the anger flow freely in my veins. Burn anything that dare provoke me and stand in my way. Be violent, sarcastic and mean for once. That's a drastic and maybe a good change for once.

But it's so not me. 

Even if I do, I am going to get into a whole load of trouble, making matters worse. 

When everything comes crashing towards you, you can't say anything, there's no time to react at all. All you can do is be drown in this crazy sea of emotions and blame. All you can do is listen, that's all. I can't talk back, I will only get scolded and blame more. It wasn't even my fault to begin with. But I will just have to deal with it, there's no escaping it. Tolerate it and hope that it will blow away soon. Tolerate it and pretend that it doesn't really bother me, but it does. Tolerate it and ignore it, but it still hurts so much.

When such things happens, I'm usually the first one to say sorry. But the "sorry" said isn't genuine. Saying sorry does not always make things better. They can seem better and the problem seems solve, but the resentment still persists and engraved into memory. Such a blame is hard to erase, hard to forget. The worst about such situations are that they are never fully resolved. They are able to repeat themselves and comes back to haunt. Try to package the hurt and blame away, only to find it reopening up again with greater brute force.

Everyone has a temper.

But why can't everyone have tolerance too?

1 Step forward, 2 Steps back 👣

One step forward, inching your way closer to your goal.

Two steps back, you find yourself getting further.

Put a step forward with much difficulty, only to find yourself being pulled back by obstacles, by the past, by almost anything that can reach you. Nope, I did not get the phrase wrong. Most would believe in two steps forward and a step back, to keep yourself in check. That isn't always the case, at least I don't think so, for me at least.

If that's the case, there is no use right? 

With every step you take, you only fall behind. I would rather stay put and be stationary, not moving front not moving back. In theory it should work, but things doesn't work that way in reality. Everyone else is moving forward, heading towards their clear goal, and here I am just waiting for things to happen. You will get left behind, get trampled upon, get lost in the sea of emptiness and nothingness. Even if I try to make things happen, I end up further away than before. Finding courage to move forward is no easy task. I've place a foot forward, only to let it be stepped on and shove back more than the step that I have painstakingly taken.

Trying so hard every time, only to come head first into failure. There's a part of me that wants to give up. There doesn't seem to be a reason for me to continue to try so hard. I'm tired, lifeless and lost, drowning in the sea of the success of others, trying to find a place in society. I've lost my objective in life, then maybe there wasn't even one to begin with. I can put in all my effort, but it seems fruitless.

Leaning forward to disappointment.

Looking forward to things but only to be disappointed.

As with every difficult step that was taken, I only find myself heading in the opposite direction, the wrong direction.

🕣 A Bottle of TIME

This Is My Entry, for a simple four lettered word, 
yet in all its simplicity lies complexity. 

Time

What is the concept of time? Why is time given to us? 

There never seem to be sufficient time is there? 
There are so many things and moments that can fit into this short and simple word.

Within Time, there are moments which brings Tears In My Eyes.

Within Time, there are numerous Things I Must Experience.

Within Time, there are memories made with Things I Must Enjoy.

Within Time, there are scares and hurt from Things I Must Endure.

Within Time, ... ... The list is endless.

Everyday, a bottle of time is given to you.

86400 seconds, that is all it has and all it offers.

86400 ticks of a clock and it quickly disappears.

That's the thing about time.

Once it is gone, you will never retrieve it back.

You can never chase away the sunset and find back the sunrise. 

The bottle of time can't ever be stored, put aside. 

A filled bottle is given at the start of a new day.

As quick as it appears, it disappears and is long gone.

An empty bottle is left at the end, only to be filled tomorrow.

86400 seconds to start a new day. 

86400 seconds to end a day. 

86400 seconds is all you have.

Girl In The Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who is the fairest of them all?

Definitely not me for certain.

I'm far from being fair, just plain, un-porcelain and unpolished.

Like an ordinary girl, yet duller than her peers.

If you gazed into a mirror, you will see a reflection. Nothing special and unusual about it. In fact, you see yourself in the  mirror almost everyday, it's part of the routine. The mirror reflects how you look. It's the image of yourself that is presented to the eyes of the outside world. It sometimes show all the external flaws one possesses, accurately depicting out scars or disfigurements that cannot be hidden no matter how hard you try.

However that is all it reflects. Nothing deeper than that. Well, I guess that's good, isn't it? A reflection is an image and no more. It doesn't show the internal scars and battles that one faces. It doesn't show one's inner thoughts and emotions. It doesn't goes beyond the facade and make up that one has put up. It makes it so much easier to hide what you do not want to show and present yourself to society the way you deemed as perfect. Apply make up and the mirror will reflect it all, from the planned skin tone and the measured blush that conceals the 'real' from reality.

Wouldn't that make the reflection be all fake and just a total act? The girl I see in the mirror is not a reflection of me. I can see pass the pseudo reflection that I  made for myself. I can't recognise the girl that is staring back at me with the eyes that I know so well. I can't recognise me at all. It scares me.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

What am I without the make up?

What am I without the facade?

Which is the one that is truly me?

An Emptying Heart wanting to be Filled ♡

My first entry in the not so new year of 2015!

Time flies pretty quickly right? Year after year time passes, we get older, have more responsibilities, more thoughts, make more memories, etc. The possibilities that this year can bring is limitless. However, I can't say I'm entirely looking forward to this year. 

Although it is just the beginning of the year, I have been filled with much thoughts and troubles already. If this is only the beginning, I have no idea how I am going to get through this year, it's going to be really tough and complicated. Will I survive through and stay alive till the next Christmas? 

Have you ever felt that no matter how much you have given, you would never receive the same amount you gave? Sure, we live to give, since majority of us are the better off ones. But what about people with the same standard of living as you? Shouldn't it be a give and take situation? It is only fair if it was that way. When you show them care, concern and love, you should receive back a little love and a sense of fulfilment, or at the very least, a response. Shower them with all you have, and they will love you back. Things should really go that way. But, in my life, it does not happen. It's more of a just give and give environment. Love and care for them, yet you are ignored. On worse occasions, you are even hated and stepped on.

I'm a human too, I need a response. Sure, I'm growing older by the day, I should be more independent and learn to be less petty about such small little things. I should learn to make sacrifices and give in. But deep down I'm still a child, a clueless one at that. I still yearn for that touch, the love, the simple hug. I need someone to stay by me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I wish for someone to stand by me and tell me there's nothing wrong to make mistakes. I want someone to just be by my side and say that I'm special because I'm being me. I yearn for that warm secure hug and the shoulder to cry on that I am terribly in need of. Or simply, I don't want to be left alone. Where's the someone that will help me pick up the broken pieces and lead me back to the right direction? I can't do it myself. I can't go on like that. I'm just me. No one great, no one special. Just the weak me putting a strong front. And this strong facade of mine is breaking down. I'm tired of trying to act that I'm fine, when I'm clearly know I'm not. I'm tired of smiling like a fool, because I am one. I'm tired of being the loving one, when heavy heart is left empty. 

Smile by smile, happiness is drawn away from me.

Beat by beat, my heart pours out love meant for others.

Day by day, it is emptied and given.

But who is going to love me back the way I love you?

Some Things Really Don't Change

The last day of the last month of the entire year is finally here.

The three hundred and sixty-fifth day is here, 

but I have no recollections of the past three hundred and sixty-four days.

The end of what was once a new year is inching its way closer second by second as I unravel each letter and word on the keyboard. Things around me have changed, all preparing and heading towards the up and coming new year. New resolutions are listed, old dreams are fulfilled and put aside. New routines and relationships are established. People grow older and aged, they come and go from your life. It almost seems like everything changes. From things that cannot be controlled, one's age for example, to the controllable ones like resolutions. 

So I am just sitting here. Changes are occurring all around me, but there is little or no movement from me. My routine does not change, there is nothing much to add on. My relationship with people around me is stagnant and just...there. My dreams do not change, they are still lost and not present in my life. It's just me. My life seems like a fixed picture, nothing really changes, nothing really matters greatly. I'm still the same person, lost in a too fast-paced society, being left behind and remaining as a wilting wallflower. Nothing unusual there, nothing changed. 

Another thing that really does not change is people. The character of people, they way they treat you and view you doesn't change. Even if it's a new you for a new year, to them you are still you. Character is one on the greatest unchanging evil that everyone has to deal with. Pre-set mindsets and made impressions are difficult to change.

A new year, a new dream, a new life.

But for me, it really don't change.