Remember the sinking ship from last month's post?
The mast is being built, seemingly strong and tall.
But will it be able to stand?
The sail, thread by thread, it is painstakingly sewn.
A slow process it is, and the voyage date is drawing closer.
Recently, I keep getting overwhelmed. That feeling of not knowing where to start and what to do, it happens quite often. There are just too many things to be done. One by one, arrows are aimed and fired, and the to-do lists keeps getting longer. A slash of lightning comes out from nowhere, unexpected and catastrophic, burning plans and progress. The torrential rains isn't helping either, visions are blurred. The end, I can't see it anymore, it isn't within my reach.
I know I am not in this alone, I know that there would be people backing me up, I know that people have great trust in me and believe that I can do it... ...
But I can't.
It scares me how much faith they have in me.
You can do it, I've believe you can.
You are capable, I've heard good things about you.
Reality check. Those are painted white lies.
Those words, they are meant to to give me strength and confidence.
On the contrary, it stresses me out. I can't meet their expectations. I am just going to be a disappointment. Don't pin your hopes on me, I can't do it. It isn't a confidence issue. The more you tell me I can and that you believe in me, the stronger the overwhelming and more fearful it is.
I'm timid, weak and un-achieving.
It feels like I'm drowning, gasping and crying for help.
In reality, I am just ranting, whining and giving excuses.
As much as I try to control it, I do loose my cool more frequently.
Maybe that is why I want to revert back to my quieter self.
