Love Yourself 💜

I have been really lazy again, skipping last month's post update. There are many things that I have wanted to post about, but I couldn't put it into thoughts, let alone words. The past month has past by unknowingly fast, and my emotions are in a mess. I don't know where to start. 

I am going to take a big step and confess something.

It might be risky, but I just want to let it out, for awhile, before zipping it back up.

There is someone that I may have a crush on. 

I've said it.

Is it love? Are the feelings mutual? Are you going to confess?

I'm not sure. Doubt it. Nope.

I never really realised it, until last year. We have known each other since our school days, with us getting along as better friends as every school year passes. At first, I thought maybe the slight uncomfortable emotion I was feeling was due to my usual awkwardness with people. But after a couple of years, these feelings didn't go away. I yearn to talk to you and spend time with you. I trusted you, just as you trusted me as a friend. I didn't need to hesitate to tell you about my worries or when I just wanted to whine.

Once awhile, we spent time together, just the two of us. The fluttering of my heart was evident, even if the time we spent alone was just a short span, like waiting for other friends to arrive. It was in that little time where your attention was on me and I dared to step out of my quiet bubble to talk to you.

I wanted to step forward and get closer to you, but I am afraid, to you, it might be too close for comfort. I wanted to reach out to you, and hug you, but there seem to be a boundary that I couldn't ever cross between you and me. 

We are complete opposites. 

You are always confident and the cool-headed one, keeping everything within sight and at task. Unlike me who is reserved, meek and quiet, hardly motivated to do anything.

You have plans, dreams and you knew what you have wanted to do right from the start, while I floated aimlessly following society's ruling without a backbone of my own.

You could do well in anything once you put your mind to it, you learn incredibly fast. I barely survived school with menial grades and knowledge similar to that when I first entered school. 

But opposites attract right?

I am afraid of pulling you down with me. As lonely as it gets on the ground below, watching you fly high and happily is kind of sufficient for me.

I wish I could just forget everything and say "I like you", but our friendship is far too precious to risk. I rather we just be good friends. At least we are still friends.
Maybe we are better off being just friends.

"I look at you in the mirror. 

A gaze full of fear, the never-ending question.

Perhaps, loving myself is more difficult than loving someone else.

Let's be frank, the standard you set yourself are stricter than anything else."

- Answer: Love Myself, BTS

It's going to be difficult to comfortably love someone else.

Until I can finally love myself.

And be myself confidently.