Another month has passed, it is July now isn't it? I've lost track of time. Alot of things can be achieved in a month, but the me from one month ago has not changed till today. I have been stuck in the same spot, in the doldrums for as long as I can recall. A bittersweet chapter of life as ended, promising another better beginning, but all is seen is an empty darkness.
The overwhelming darkness is eating me alive and making me tired. I am tired from chasing after dull dreams that is not mine. I'm tired from doing things that does not benefit me. I'm tired from listening to what I should and must do. I am just tired, tired from life. I feel that I am being drained of my life and my individuality. I want to find back myself, find the things that I lilke to do and a find a definition to what's me.
However, with the darkness, I have lost my sense of direction. I have got zero motivation to save myself from this darkness. Hobbies that I used to have have become a burden, and I do not enjoy them as much as I used to. On the contrary, they drag me further into despair upon realisation that I am not good at them at all. There isn't anything that I am good at is there? I don't know where to start looking. I know I should look deep within myself and be true to my feelings to find an answer, but I am always wary. Wary about my surroundings, worried about just almost everything.
It is an inescapable nightmare,
No matter how hard I try to pinch myself awake, I don't wake up.
Darkness clouds around, drowning me.
I want to put an end to it.
But only to realise this isn't a nightmare afterall, it's life.
It is alright to regret, it is okay to fail and fall,
That's what they said.
Tears fall too, it is gravity's calling afterall.
But they do not have to land, just wiped away without a trace,
Better to be kept unknown to the world.
I will just keep falling,
I wonder how much further till rock bottom.
Falling deeper and deeper into darkness,
Waiting for that little 'thud', for me to find my feet again.
But I just don't land.
