🔇 Mute

I missed out last month didn't I?

I was supposedly busy with submissions and academic things.
Well, more or less busy, but more than half the time I was just distracted.

Anyways, this post is long overdue. It happened sometime last month, but I couldn't find the words to described the situation. I am finding it increasingly more difficult to put my thoughts into words, let alone speech. There has been numerous times that I open up a new chat or new post to write down my emotions, it comes out blank. 

Well, here it goes... ...

It's frustrating.
It is one of the rare times that I do speak up and voice out what I've wanted to say, but I get shot down immediately. I get interrupted when I speak. Either I am not heard, or that my personal views and opinions does not matter. Who am I to speak anyways? In what position are you to speak? Who am I? In fact, it has really nothing to do with me. I'm just being an unwanted and mute busybody who chose the wrong time to speak.

All I did was to defend and speak the truth, but my words more often than not were taken wrongly. Are my words meant to posion? As if everything was my fault. I shouldn't have said anything. Should have just kept my mouth shut and not say anything. It won't make a difference if I did say anything or not.

It has happened so many times, that I feel I should not be saying anything anymore.
There is a turmoil inside of me that I yearn to say out, but I don't know how to. Every time I have the chance to, I can't bring myself to. I just can't find the words to express myself anymore, I've become mute, even muted to my own emotions. Everything feels so dull and muted. Part of me just wants to scream and cry everything out, but the particular first step of opening my mouth to make a sound, seems impossible. 

Maybe one good thing about being mute is that I can say whatever I want, and no one will hear me. I don't have to feel guilt over my words. They won't hurt you, since they are not heard. I didn't speak them out either way. 

I can repeatedly tell myself, I'm smart, I'm strong and I can do it.
I wouldn't be able to hear it. 
But why care? It's not important anyways.

I'm not shy.
I'm just a little girl looking for her voice.
I'm just purposefully mute.