Insecurities

Time flies so fast without me realising it, January has gone by and it is already mid way through Feburary. It's another Valentine's Day alone.

Not that I really mind though.

I am a sexy, free and single and ready to mingle (Don't mind me, these are song lyrics).

Just yesterday, a couple of friends and I went to a church's Valentine's day music event. I don't even know why I wanted to go in the first place, just to support a friend maybe? The event was full of live band music, love songs and sharings which somehow all linked back to religion. The music was good, but the whole event was just awkward for me at least.  I shouldn't have gone. I only put myself in an uncomfortable situation. What was I thinking? There were some sharing yesterday too, mainly about relationships, and how love of the higher being is always the greatest. For the most part of it I was just staring into space, sleepy, and just wanting to get out of there.

There was one particular sharing that really struck a chord within me. She shared about being insecure about not finding a lover, and not being able to find a lifelong partner. 

Insecurities. Being scared. Fear.

Maybe I do really yearn for a someone special who will hug me, let me cry on and just accompany me for th rest of the tough journey through life. The thought of it does sent butterflies to my stomach and a warm feeling to my heart. Someone who is by my side, to listen and talk about more than the normal day to day superficial conversations that are painstakingly created.

So much for saying that I want to be an independent girl, but I'm pretty much still a girl who is yearning to be love within. Most of my friends are getting attached one by one. When I see them together with their other half, they are just so cute! They are in their own world, with me by their side fangirling.

I am insecure, feeling insecure for almost anything from school work to emotions. Thoughts such as I'm not good enough to be loved by someone else, there are so many people out there who a better and deserve more than I do. The insecurities of my future, what am I going to do after I graduate, will I be able to fend and feed not only for myself but for my family too? 

Everything scares me.

My insecure future.
Scary and overwhelming emotions.
The fear of being me.