The Waiting Game ⌚

Let's go.
Yes, let's go.
(They do not move.)

Waiting.
It is a game, isn't it?
You never know when the time is up, or if it is worth waiting until the very end.

You can wait and wait, but in the end it doesn't happen.
It's like the play titled Waiting for Godot. I've never watched or read it, but one thing I know is that in the duration of 2 hours and 30 minutes, Godot never appears. 

Then why are the characters still waiting?

"Pozzo:

Have you not done tormenting me with your accursed time? 

It's abominable! When! When! 

One day, is that not enough for you,  one day he went dumb, one day I went blind, one day we'll go deaf, one day we were born, one day we shall die, the same day, the same second, is that not good enough for you?

They give birth astride of a grave, the light gleams as instant, 
then it's night once more. "

- Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

Time waits for no one.

But sometimes, the only think you can do is hope, and wait.
Wait for something to happen, hope that that something is going to be good.

I waited for you to reopen your eyes to greet me, like they used to.
I waited for my eyes to greet the daylight, awakening me from this nightmare.
I waited for a miracle to happen, I wished and I hoped.

I waited, and I am still waiting.

But it doesn't happen, you're gone.

Littlespace

I chance upon this by accident, while reading fanfiction on Wattpad.

It's intriguing, the more I read about it, the more I'm drawn to it.

"Littlespace is a mindset in which an adult relaxes into a state of carefree, responsibility-free safety. It may be a developed time in which an adult relieves childhood memories, scenarios, or desires that were unachieveable in their adolescence. As an adult in littlespace (often referred to as a 'Little') may involved another adult referred to as a caregiver, engage in activities viewed as childish, and some may even participate in adult sexual interaction during their time in littlespace."

- Urban Dictionary

It is a form of ageplay, or age regression. I don't feel it is wrong or unnatural, it's just a coping mechanism for some adults to deal with stressful situations. There is nothing kinky or sexual about it. These Littles retreat into their littlespace to find happiness and escape from their reality. Whatever the cause that triggered them to enter, be it their fears, problems or worries, it makes them happy.

Am I a Little?

Maybe, maybe not, I am not too sure myself. I would say I'm childish and like childlike things. Just thinking about a possible littlespace makes me extremely happy.

Imagine a regressive state of mind where is it peaceful and pleasent, and a place where worries, anxieties and fears melt away in twinkling sparkles. It is replaced by the sweet scent of happiness, relaxation and calmness. I sit on a lap of a giant brown teddy bear, with its arms on either side of me. I snuggle against the soft pale yellow blanket that is draped across my shoulders. Strains of Disney music could be heard, as the credits continued rolling. In front of me, there's a table, and with it is a mug of thick hot chocolate with marshmallows at a reachable distance. There is a colouring book splayed open, accompanined by a large holder containing assortments of colouring markers, pencils, pens, crayons etc.. Stretching out my legs, I turned to my right to face a full length window overlooking a picturesque view of a clear lake framed by red maple trees and snow-capped mountains in the background. I pressed my hands on the glass, cool to touch, as I watched the maple leaves tousled in the wind. 

Justing imagining it gives me a freeing feeling as I escape from any negative feelings for  awhile. It's going to be comfotable. It's going to be a safe place, nothing can hurt me, and there is nothing to fear.

Give me a colouring book.

Ask me what my favourite colour is.

Don't let me pay or hand me money like you would to a big girl.

Feed me snacks and drinks with special bowls and cups.

Tell me when I'm doing good, love me still on bad days.

I want to be a child, and not have to deal or worry with anything at all.

Shelter me from my fears and anxieties, and the evilness of world.

It would be nice to escape reality once in awhile, but it is not possible, is it?

Society's Toy

I have never really been interested in studying at all, neither was I one that was good at sports. Instead, since young I enjoyed music and art classes more so often than any other subjects. I enjoyed the performing arts too, be it dance, piano or even cheer leading (in primary school standards). I do find the thrill in standing on stage and performing, maybe I like the attention. I haven't been incredibly bright or artistic, and I do not excel in any aspect. 

But here am I, having studied almost 17 years in an education system, stripping me of my individuality. I was put into the education mould - from kindergarten till graduation from university, but I don't feel that I have grown as a person. Instead, I felt that I have lost who I am and I can't seem to see myself as an individual person anymore. My individuality has been drowned out by the society's mould, shaped by what society thinks its best for you and what you should do. 

Maybe I was not forced into the framework.

I was just too scared to break away from it, too timid to rebel, too afraid to be about of the societal norm. Just go with the flow, be safe. I keep thinking back, what if I had the guts to go against my parents and society's ruling and do as I deem fit, onto a path that many has claimed to be profitless and without a future. Would I be happier? 

There I lay as a society's toy.

Nothing special, Nothing unique.

I hear my life ticked away, 

As I watched the clouds float by, thinking,

What's the use of being perfect. 

A circular round piece with no flaws, 

no unsightly edges and ends, 

only to be out of place, alone, 

and unable to fit in the jigsaw society.

Love Yourself 💜

I have been really lazy again, skipping last month's post update. There are many things that I have wanted to post about, but I couldn't put it into thoughts, let alone words. The past month has past by unknowingly fast, and my emotions are in a mess. I don't know where to start. 

I am going to take a big step and confess something.

It might be risky, but I just want to let it out, for awhile, before zipping it back up.

There is someone that I may have a crush on. 

I've said it.

Is it love? Are the feelings mutual? Are you going to confess?

I'm not sure. Doubt it. Nope.

I never really realised it, until last year. We have known each other since our school days, with us getting along as better friends as every school year passes. At first, I thought maybe the slight uncomfortable emotion I was feeling was due to my usual awkwardness with people. But after a couple of years, these feelings didn't go away. I yearn to talk to you and spend time with you. I trusted you, just as you trusted me as a friend. I didn't need to hesitate to tell you about my worries or when I just wanted to whine.

Once awhile, we spent time together, just the two of us. The fluttering of my heart was evident, even if the time we spent alone was just a short span, like waiting for other friends to arrive. It was in that little time where your attention was on me and I dared to step out of my quiet bubble to talk to you.

I wanted to step forward and get closer to you, but I am afraid, to you, it might be too close for comfort. I wanted to reach out to you, and hug you, but there seem to be a boundary that I couldn't ever cross between you and me. 

We are complete opposites. 

You are always confident and the cool-headed one, keeping everything within sight and at task. Unlike me who is reserved, meek and quiet, hardly motivated to do anything.

You have plans, dreams and you knew what you have wanted to do right from the start, while I floated aimlessly following society's ruling without a backbone of my own.

You could do well in anything once you put your mind to it, you learn incredibly fast. I barely survived school with menial grades and knowledge similar to that when I first entered school. 

But opposites attract right?

I am afraid of pulling you down with me. As lonely as it gets on the ground below, watching you fly high and happily is kind of sufficient for me.

I wish I could just forget everything and say "I like you", but our friendship is far too precious to risk. I rather we just be good friends. At least we are still friends.
Maybe we are better off being just friends.

"I look at you in the mirror. 

A gaze full of fear, the never-ending question.

Perhaps, loving myself is more difficult than loving someone else.

Let's be frank, the standard you set yourself are stricter than anything else."

- Answer: Love Myself, BTS

It's going to be difficult to comfortably love someone else.

Until I can finally love myself.

And be myself confidently. 

Falling but not Landing

Another month has passed, it is July now isn't it? I've lost track of time. Alot of things can be achieved in a month, but the me from one month ago has not changed till today. I have been stuck in the same spot, in the doldrums for as long as I can recall. A bittersweet chapter of life as ended, promising another better beginning, but all is seen is an empty darkness.

The overwhelming darkness is eating me alive and making me tired. I am tired from chasing after dull dreams that is not mine. I'm tired from doing things that does not benefit me. I'm tired from listening to what I should and must do. I am just tired, tired from life. I feel that I am being drained of my life and my individuality. I want to find back myself, find the things that I lilke to do and a find a definition to what's me. 

However, with the darkness, I have lost my sense of direction. I have got zero motivation to save myself from this darkness. Hobbies that I used to have have become a burden, and I do not enjoy them as much as I used to. On the contrary, they drag me further into despair upon realisation that I am not good at them at all. There isn't anything that I am good at is there? I don't know where to start looking. I know I should look deep within myself and be true to my feelings to find an answer, but I am always wary.  Wary about my surroundings, worried about just almost everything.  

It is an inescapable nightmare, 

No matter how hard I try to pinch myself awake, I don't wake up.

Darkness clouds around, drowning me.

I want to put an end to it.

But only to realise this isn't a nightmare afterall, it's life. 

It is alright to regret, it is okay to fail and fall,

That's what they said.

Tears fall too, it is gravity's calling afterall. 

But they do not have to land, just wiped away without a trace,

Better to be kept unknown to the world.

I will just keep falling, 

I wonder how much further till rock bottom.

Falling deeper and deeper into darkness,

Waiting for that little 'thud', for me to find my feet again.

But I just don't land.

In a heartbeat 💓

Another long break since the last post, I really have been procrastinating alot. I've been busy, I would like to say, for the month of May and June, finishing up a tiresome academic project and embarking on a family trip overseas. Each of which had brought about their own set of troubles and realisations that has finally hit me. Realisations that I have wasted a good part of my time to little avail, and that reality today differs from those in the past. 

A final academic project before a graduation that is suppose to matter lots. I spent almost a good one year on it, sleepless nights and heartbreaking tears, only to receive a pathetic grade in the end. It is really demoralising and depressing. All the hard work and effort does not pay off at all. Should have just not done this project at all. What's the point of spending one year on it, but only to have your entire academic result being dragged down. It's really useless isn't it? One year of my life gone into nothing, and a bad ending to yet another chapter.

Travelling, I love travelling and being somewhere new, for each country is different. Need not go across the seas, for being a tourist in my home country suffices. However, travelling sometimes brings out the real characters of people (not that I didn't already know of their characters). It is tiring dealing with them. Travelling is supposed to a joy to me, to enjoy the fruits of the labour after all that intense research and planning, to see sights in real time instead of on the screen. Maybe it's me, being different from the rest of them. 

Within a couple of heartbeats, it's over. Done. Finished.

The chapter is closing, but I am still not ready to start a new chapter.

I am just hovering over a meaningless blank page, willing for the heartbeat to still.

But the thing is, our hearts march on, it waits for no one. 

"I think the beating in our hearts was put there to remind us that even when we are alone in the world, we march on. That even in the enormous dark and quiet, we always have someone to lean on, to embrace and turn to. That even when we have no one else, we always have ourselves."

- Beau Taplin, The Marching Heart

I hear something in me.

.

.

.

I just realised, it's my heartbeat. 

The only indication that I am still living.

Living, but not alive.  💓💓💓

🔇 Mute

I missed out last month didn't I?

I was supposedly busy with submissions and academic things.
Well, more or less busy, but more than half the time I was just distracted.

Anyways, this post is long overdue. It happened sometime last month, but I couldn't find the words to described the situation. I am finding it increasingly more difficult to put my thoughts into words, let alone speech. There has been numerous times that I open up a new chat or new post to write down my emotions, it comes out blank. 

Well, here it goes... ...

It's frustrating.
It is one of the rare times that I do speak up and voice out what I've wanted to say, but I get shot down immediately. I get interrupted when I speak. Either I am not heard, or that my personal views and opinions does not matter. Who am I to speak anyways? In what position are you to speak? Who am I? In fact, it has really nothing to do with me. I'm just being an unwanted and mute busybody who chose the wrong time to speak.

All I did was to defend and speak the truth, but my words more often than not were taken wrongly. Are my words meant to posion? As if everything was my fault. I shouldn't have said anything. Should have just kept my mouth shut and not say anything. It won't make a difference if I did say anything or not.

It has happened so many times, that I feel I should not be saying anything anymore.
There is a turmoil inside of me that I yearn to say out, but I don't know how to. Every time I have the chance to, I can't bring myself to. I just can't find the words to express myself anymore, I've become mute, even muted to my own emotions. Everything feels so dull and muted. Part of me just wants to scream and cry everything out, but the particular first step of opening my mouth to make a sound, seems impossible. 

Maybe one good thing about being mute is that I can say whatever I want, and no one will hear me. I don't have to feel guilt over my words. They won't hurt you, since they are not heard. I didn't speak them out either way. 

I can repeatedly tell myself, I'm smart, I'm strong and I can do it.
I wouldn't be able to hear it. 
But why care? It's not important anyways.

I'm not shy.
I'm just a little girl looking for her voice.
I'm just purposefully mute.

Insecurities

Time flies so fast without me realising it, January has gone by and it is already mid way through Feburary. It's another Valentine's Day alone.

Not that I really mind though.

I am a sexy, free and single and ready to mingle (Don't mind me, these are song lyrics).

Just yesterday, a couple of friends and I went to a church's Valentine's day music event. I don't even know why I wanted to go in the first place, just to support a friend maybe? The event was full of live band music, love songs and sharings which somehow all linked back to religion. The music was good, but the whole event was just awkward for me at least.  I shouldn't have gone. I only put myself in an uncomfortable situation. What was I thinking? There were some sharing yesterday too, mainly about relationships, and how love of the higher being is always the greatest. For the most part of it I was just staring into space, sleepy, and just wanting to get out of there.

There was one particular sharing that really struck a chord within me. She shared about being insecure about not finding a lover, and not being able to find a lifelong partner. 

Insecurities. Being scared. Fear.

Maybe I do really yearn for a someone special who will hug me, let me cry on and just accompany me for th rest of the tough journey through life. The thought of it does sent butterflies to my stomach and a warm feeling to my heart. Someone who is by my side, to listen and talk about more than the normal day to day superficial conversations that are painstakingly created.

So much for saying that I want to be an independent girl, but I'm pretty much still a girl who is yearning to be love within. Most of my friends are getting attached one by one. When I see them together with their other half, they are just so cute! They are in their own world, with me by their side fangirling.

I am insecure, feeling insecure for almost anything from school work to emotions. Thoughts such as I'm not good enough to be loved by someone else, there are so many people out there who a better and deserve more than I do. The insecurities of my future, what am I going to do after I graduate, will I be able to fend and feed not only for myself but for my family too? 

Everything scares me.

My insecure future.
Scary and overwhelming emotions.
The fear of being me.