A Robot trapped in the present 📟

2017 is coming to an end, which the new year approaching. Another year has passed by quickly and unknowingly, filled with a tinge of happiness, regrets, sadness etc. 📟

What will next year bring? What resolutions can I achieve? How different will next year be from this year? 

Questions and more questions, but no answers. The answers will only prevail at the end of the next year, but by then, it is already too late to question where has all the time gone to.

I'm not ready to face a new day, let alone another new year.

Every year fills like it is almost the same, everything preplanned and played out. There isn't much difference each year can make. I am supposed to end 2017 'with a bang', but its more difficult to live up to it than I thought. 

Day by day passes with similar happenings and emotions. It feels like I am being a robot, I have no control over myself. No change in emotions, no decisions and choices made, no character, nothing. Everything feels so stagnant,  with only the date and time changing. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I just get one with daily life, wishing for the day to come to an end faster, so that I can just head to bed, close my eyes and not see the world. I'm tired of feeling this way. Waking up has never been more tiring and difficult, so much so that on some days the urge to continue sleeping is so high, or to have my eyes remain closed for a unhealthily long period of time. 

My life just feels so empty. It is almost as if I am just a society's toy, living by their unachievable standards of good grades and achievements. None of which I have. 

Many times I just want to break down and cry in public, but I don't dare to. I am afraid of being a nuisance in society, I'm afraid of being judge and I don't like the feeling of being weak. 

2017 marks another year in life for a weak and tired robot, with creaky hinges and rusty joints. What will 2018 bring?

📚 Life as a Story

If you were a writer, given a choice, 

would you want to continue writing in the same paragraph or start a new one?

If you were a dancer, given a choice, 

would you try a new dance move, or try to perfect the one you are currently working on?

If you were me, given a choice, 

would you choose to start a new chapter in life, or wait till the current chapter closes as it should be?

I feel like I should start a new chapter of my life, as I am getting tired and running out of things to say for this particular current chapter. There hasn't been any story progression in this chapter, almost like it is a meaningless chapter, with sudden ups and downs. It has been a roller coaster ride, a tad bit too thrilling for me. But the thing about roller coaster rides, they always bring you out for a spin, only to alight you at the same point where you started.

I am worn out and tired from this place, but I keep looking back and am hesitant to leave. Or more so, I am too scared to take either a step forward or back. 

I'm stuck again at a fork road.

It isn't as simple as just hitting the enter key to the next line.

It's going to be an irreversible decision that I have to make.

I just hope, whatever the choice is, I don't regret it. 

Have you noticed the stillness of the night? 🌙

Have you noticed the stillness of the night?
A sudden screech of brakes, a phone ringing or two, 
But that's about it, the tranquillity, serene and stillness.
Lights flicker off and creaks in the staircase can be heard, 
Returning people to their land of dreams to rest.

I wish I had a reason on why I stay up all night.
No, I'm not studying or doing anything productive.
No, I'm not catching up on friends or society.
No, I'm honestly not doing anything at all.
There isn't any reason for it, is there?

If only I had closed my eyes and called it a night.
Instead of spending so much time staring at blank spaces, 
And blinding lights that should have switched off for the night, 
Computer screens that give me headaches in return for relief, 
Or the waiting of a notification light on the phone that I have switched off. 

Stars shine brightest when it is the darkest. 
Maybe the dull me would shine too, 
In the midst of all the darkness and quietness.
And the non-existent people accompanying me into the night, 
Instead of the annoying anticipation of giving up.

The night here is beautiful, so much life at the death of the day.
With the guiding stars and the crescent smiling like a Cheshire cat, 
I wished I had a reason on why I stayed up tonight, 
Instead of these thoughts that course through my body and veins.
I should turn in for the night, I really should. 

Have you noticed the stillness of the night?
Because I do not make a sound.🌙🌙🌙🌙🌙

Lack of Motivation

I give up.
I am tired of doing things mundanely.
I don't see a point in things anymore.

This thought have been hovering in my mind for sometime now, and it has been bothering me a lot.

Someone once said to me:

"You have the potential to hit the right notes, and the skill can be learnt. But you just have no motivation and you are not competitive enough."

I have the skill? I honestly don't think I do... But it's true, I lack the motivation. I lack the drive to do things, be it academically, or even in the things that I like and want to do. I lack the self-esteem and confidence to believe that I can do and actually accomplish things.

I can't be as confident as the people out there. I just don't know why is it so difficult for me to trust myself and tell myself that I can do it. Is it due to my sheltered upbringing? Or is it the lack of courage in me? Maybe, it's just... plain me. There has been numerous times where I have planned to do something, but in the end it doesn't happen at all. The ficus and drive isn't there. I look at the task, and I just do other non-productive things instead.

It feels that I have given up totally,

I don't know it there's anything for me to look forward to and anything that is willing me to move ahead anymore. 

🍴 Looking back at the Fork in the road

Life is a journey.
And in every journey, adventures awaits.
With each adventure, a destination is reached.
But at that junction, a direction must be made.
A decision of little turning back, no hesitation.

Decisions, decisions and decisions...

Well, it's normal to make decisions right? 

Everyone has to do that in life. Without decisions, many would complain that life is unfair and that they are not given choices. Life would be too boring if we can't choose what we want to do, everything would be too mundane, just following the status quo.

But what if you already made your decision, but you are still looking back and thinking you should have saved yourself the trouble and chosen the other choice instead. 
And with looking back at this choice, you think about the previous decisions that you have made that let you to arrive at this decision making.

Maybe things would be different.
Maybe everything would be less complicated.

Maybe I wouldn't be in state already.

I've started my journey on this path of the forked road.
Ahead I should look, but I keep turning back to glance at the fork again.
And the forks that I have already passed in the distance.

Loosening the Reins

Everyone are chained and bounded by diffrerent set of workload and beliefs, some holding the reins much tighter than others. Some even after the chains are broken, they still remain stagnent and unmoving. 

Maybe they are right. 

Maybe I am too strict with myself.

Maybe I should loosen the reins.

I wish I could let the crazy me come out as and when I want it to, without worrying about people judging and criticising me. Times that I step out of my comfortable but awkward silence are rare, but when I get playful and a little less shy, the audience are that of judging and 'this is so not you' look. There are times where I don't even know what is the real me, the crazy one or the quiet and thoughtful one.

I wish I was daring enough to speak my mind and get angry when I want to, and not be praised for a high tolerance level, when honestly I am one who gets irritated very easily. Even now in the duration of my part time job, there have been times when I feel like clawing people and scream at them, but I am in no position to. Just deal with it and shallow it down, there isn't muh that a part timer can do anyways.

I wish I wouldn't be so uptight and strict with myself, making people view me as one who does not know how to have fun. I should be rebellious for once, do the things that I always wanted to do, and do it without a care in the world. 

Close-knit Life

I sat there, stoned and blanked face.

The mess of wool strings surround me, waiting to be coiled up.

I can't believed I have unravelled all that I've knitted. 

What took me a year to knit, was undone within one tenth of a minute.

One year of painstaking effort all gone in a flash and in a haste.

That's life isn't it?

You can work so hard and then comes a point where there is a pause and you start to realised that you actually don't know what you are doing anymore. I've started to knit due to interest, but after awhile, the knitting stopped. I wanted to pick it back up this holidays, but when I look at it, I see the flaws of the piece. It's an incomplete and errored piece of work, that upon completeing will only prove to be an eyesore. 

The efforts put in all come down to a sense of nothingness, no sense of achievement at all. I keep questioning myself, is this right, is this good for me, but to no avail. The answers I am desperately looking for is not appearing anytime soon.

I've chosen to unravel what I have done and start again.

But I can't do that with life. 

What's done is already done, the 'strings' of life would never be straighted and curled into the same comfy ball of wool that it once was.

I can only call it quits and stop here, or I could just continue on the path of mistakes and do the best I can.

Yawnzzz

* Randomness alert - Procrastination and a play of rhyming words *

I feel so tired, but I really shouldn't complain, 

maybe it isn't me, it must be all the strain.

Blame the pressure that is pushing me through, 

painting each day a dark gloomy blue. 

I feel so tired, that I can't even think,

but what's the use when I can't catch forty winks.

Sitting alone and quietly staring into space,

Asking myself why am I here in the first place.

I feel so tired, I just want to go to bed,

but I am just curled up here instead.

I yearn for the warmth and comfort, 

that comes along with a dark reality.

I feel so tired, I should really go sleep,

but I'm sick of laying still and counting sheep.

I'm afraid of the darkness that is descending,

and the piecing of broken dreams upon waking.

I feel so tired, maybe I will just lie on the floor, 

It's not a feeling I haven't felt before.

The cool, calm and dependable surface,

with emptiness and vastness as a mere preface.

I feel so tired, please don't ask me why.

I will just close my eyes, lie here and cry.

Let's Break Up 💔

Let's break up.

I've had enough of you. 

In the beginning I thought you were something great, always keeping me on task and motivating me. It was the little acts and pressure that you always gave me when I needed it, allowing me to do things that I would have never done on my own. 

You have been by my side all this while quietly supporting me. Your presence never failed to appear especially in the toughest times of my life. You came in tumbling and unexpected. It was hard to predict what you wanted, and there's always an element of surprise when I'm with you. 

You were a guiding light in my life, steering me on path and helping me manage my time. You ensured that I will survive in the world that was too harsh a reality for me. 

But after awhile, I have realised that you were too much for me to handle.

You did not understand me at all. The direction you were driving me to wasn't what I wanted. You were driving me to the corner of the world and pressurising me too much. You had your own set of goals, very much different from what I had in mind. 

You made me not think for myself at all. You don't give me time for myself, always incessantly ringing reminders in my ears that I'm not good enough for this world. You invaded my personal space and mind, it's too uncomfortable.

I've turn in someone I rather not be because of you. You have changed me, but I don't really like this change. We are too different to be together, so it's time to let go. 

Dear stress, 

Lets break up.💔

Maybe soon, but not yet

The sun hasn't risen, maybe soon, but not yet. 
It is just like any ordinary morning, with me sitting in silence, staring out of my window in the confinements of my safe heaven. The light from the street lamps were the only steady source of light, casting long ominmous shadows, giving a threathening feeling to a another brand new day. Lights of the houses in the distance flicker on and off, as I watch the neighbours start preparing for the start of their new day.

I should get up from my spot and start my day too. 
Maybe soon, but not yet.
I'm not ready to start a new day. 

I reached out for my glass of water, only to realise it is long gone and finished. The emptiness of the glass was alarming, it wasn't even half full or half empty, it was just...empty. I tipped the glass back, relishing the last drop of water present.

The water I drank did not taste as bad as it did yesterday. Maybe, it tasted even better than it did yesterday or even the few minutes before. Maybe it was indeed the final minutes of my alone time and my own room wanting to keep me close. They were luring me into staying inside and not leave. I never assumed that it was actually my own imagination that was begging me to walk straight back to bed and never come out again.

It was a comforting, this devouring pregnant silence. It was always like that underneath my roof. There wasn't any noise, not even the slightest whisper. I could break it when I wanted to.  It made me feel like I am in control. 

This mighty feeling left me feeling rather numb.

What is going to be different between this year and last?

What is going to change between this month and last?

What is going to happen tomorrow that is different from today?

Maybe I should rephrase my question.

What am I going to do to make things different?

I should make decisions, maybe soon, but not yet.

Complex yet Imaginary

Sometimes emotions can be confusing. It's like they don't even know where to flow. They can be so complex and overwhelming and you don't really know what you are feeling anymore. 

Then, sometimes I wonder, the emotions that I think I'm feeling, are they real? 
Or are they just figments of my imagination and conscience, telling me what I should feel? Emotions, most of the times, are pretty hard to grasp, it's hard to label how you really feel. 

It is like a complex number, where there is a real and imaginary part. The real part is what people see, the facial expressions and emotions that you put out in front of you. Then there is an imaginary part, where it is hidden from your surroundings and sometimes even from yourself. 

I'm being scared and tired at the same time.
I'm scared of the unknown, scared of things that may or may not happen, scared of what people might see me as, etc. All this fright is making me tired and down, and that is what people see on the surface. 

It is the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.
The inertia to get up to do revision and assignments is really high. I don't have the mood to do. Most often I'm scared to do it and then realise that I can't do it at all. There isn't any motivations to do it, its just I need to do it. 

It is wanting friends but hate socialising.

It is wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely.

It is caring about everything then caring about nothing at all.
So much concerns, they drown me. I should take them one by one to solve it, like my friends has told me, to redefine what I want in life. But, honestly, I've kind of given up, I don't know where to start, I don't think I really care about life anymore.

Everything is so complex, or maybe it is just all imaginary, maybe I am thinking too much.

It is feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb. 

Comfort Zones

Greetings to a not so new year!

It is yet again the beginning of another year, with each year being more or less the same.

Is there anything to look forward to this year? 

Everything seems so mundane...

What is a comfortable feeling?

What does it really mean to be in your comfort zone?

What needs to be done to feel comfortable?

Being comfortable used to be something simple. It is just to be at ease and relaxed. And comfort zones were just areas that you feel at ease in. It could be when you are doing something that you have done before, or being with people who you are comfortable with. Or even something simple as doing nothing at all.

Sometimes what we think we are comfortable with isn't within our comfort zone at all. Things that we like to do and enjoy doing isn't in our comfort zones. Events that we don't like can fall into our comfort zone as we get used to the nasty feeling and become comfortable and used to it.

*On a side note...

I find writing posts getting more difficult. I can't seem to pen down my thoughts and feelings as easy as I used to. Looking at older posts over the years, I can easily related back to the feeling and happenings of that time. But recently, the posts seem more unfeeling and just a post, no more no less.

Are my thoughts getting more and more complex that it can't be described as words? 

Is this a sign of ageing? 

Or  am I becoming an unfeeling robot-like person?

This is really scary.