Just Leave me Alone

Seems like I'm updating more frequently this year, aren't I? I'm supposed to be busier and have less time to deal with my emotions, yet nothing can be done with the mess of emotions and frustrations I have. 

Have you ever felt the want to push people away?

Just scream at them, although it isn't me, to leave my personal space?

Or that you want nothing to do with them in the first place?

Sometimes I wish that people can just leave me alone. I'm tired with dealing with people, just certain people to be exact. They seem to be tagging with you around so often that you don't have any alone time left anymore. Where have all my peaceful mornings and breaks gone to, where I can sit alone and reflect on lessons and spend time for myself? I like being alone, what's wrong with that? 

Just yesterday, when I finally thought that I could have a peaceful morning to myself, maybe watch some videos to start my day on a cheery mode, you pop by, ruining my plans and my day. Ugh, who are you to come first thing in the morning to find me and tell me you are feeling depressed and down? You just make my dreadful Monday even more dreary than it already was. 

They come to you, invade your personal space, and they are so oblivious to it. They move into my space and I don't like it, but I don't have the heart of pushing them away. I can lean away, hoping that they are being too close for my liking, but they don't even realise it. 

They look all depressed and tell you their troubles, but in all honesty, I do not care about it. Why are you telling me this? I'm not your confidant, I have enough things to deal with on my own already, so stop bugging me. Go tell someone else, I'm not even that close to you and you don't know me, so why can you trust me? I don't even trust myself. 

There will come a time when I can't take it anymore and slap you in the face.

Just when, I do not know.

But soon.

Being Fearless

What does it mean to be fearless?

Is it to be not scared of anything and everything? 

Is it to be brave and courageous, steadfast and strong?

Is it to be a person having no fears?

But how is that possible?

Even as a child, we are taught the emotion of fear unknowingly.

Some of us are afraid of the dark, some of us are afraid of insects, while others have a fear of heights. Everyone has their own fear, from something as trivial as being frightened of the scary creature under your bed as a child, to something more harsh as working life and the future as an adult. 

It's human nature to be scared of something. As much as we dislike to admit it, we are all afraid of something. Fear of the unexpected and unwelcoming, fear of judgmental glares, unforeseen circumstances and failures. 

Being fearless has nothing to do with not being scared of anything. Fearless isn't walking into the unknown and not being scared and being proud of that. It's having the courage to walk into the unknown, the courage to continue walking and conquer that fear. Fearless is having the ability to see when it is right to fear guide you, because sometimes fear is the instinct that keeps us alive. It's knowing when or when not to walk into the unknown. Being fearless is controlling your fears and not letting them control you. That's fearless. 

Easier said than done, I'm letting fear overwhelm me.
It isn't about being fearless anymore, I'm just being fearful.
Fearful to be feeling fear.