Silly Little Girl 👧

"You silly little girl,
You think you've survived so long that survival shouldn't hurt anymore.
You keep trying to turn your body bulletproof.
You keep trying to turn your heart bomb shelter.

You silly thing. 
You are soft and alive.
You bruise and heal.
Cherish it.
It is what you are born to do."
                                                                                             ~ Clementine von Radics


Yes, I'm that silly little girl.

Screams, whimpers and shrieks.
Anger, hatred and grudges. 
Unleashed, exploded and locked.

I really doubt this all will end there.

📑 Another Chapter, Another Year

On hiatus for two long months. Been pretty lazy ... ...

Time really seems to zoom past me without knowing. Especially last year, I still can remember clearly the last Lunar new year, the awesome June school trip, and it feels like it wasn't long ago that I started the semester. Now it's all over. I can't believe it at all. A family trip has started and ended, I'm halfway through a tough year in school, I'm close to spending half a year being an adult.

So many crucial and important milestones have passed by, have I learnt anything? Is there anything I fondly remember and grow into? Are there changes made from what it once was? There definitely are, and it is indeed some thought provoking ones.

One thing that really struck me, closer to the end of the year, is how much love can a person give and receive. Before this, I've always believe that it is better to depend on just yourself and do it yourself. Being independent is seemingly the most secure way of living and surviving. Or maybe it is just that I am used to spend most of my time alone, be it in school or at home. But things have changed drastically ever since the second half of the year. I've learnt to be dependent on people, sometimes even too dependent. I have become reliant on them to be my source of comfort and encouragement. So much so that I don't think I would have been able to make it through this year without this reliance. It is amazing how much love can one shower to the other, making me feel like I'm someone special and that people actually care for. It gives me a mushy sense of warmth within me, telling me it's alright to be me, and that there will always be someone there who would catch me when I fall, lend me a listening ear and shoulder to cry on. It's, as cheesy as it sounds, like always being there for me. I'm so thankful for such a person in my life. To this starlight of my life, subtle yet comforting, small yet dependable, thank you for being my guiding light.

Then there was the whole fiasco about "if only". Have you ever thought what if the if only(s) were not the ifs, and isn't just the only? Would things be different? What made these if only(s) the "if only"? Why did I make a decision for things to turn out this way? Even as you close one chapter of a story, regardless of it being at the end or not, there will definitely be questions left unanswered and open.

What was once a year is now gone, and a new one starts.
What will this year bring I wonder ...