A Choice of Time ⏰

The 10th month of what was once a new year. Time flies too quickly, too fast for my liking. The feeling of a new year still remains fresh in my mind even though it's already close to the end.

Time, won't you wait for me?

I'm getting breathless trying to catch up with you,

Let alone run the same pace with you.

Here I am, sitting after a hectic day, attempting to write an entry. So much for promising myself to update at least once a month, and I'm  barely keeping to it. Blame it on the life of a school student. Once one has passed the half semester mark, there is no turning back and all you can do is to trudge seemingly tirelessly forward. One wrong move you could come tumbling backward and restart this never ending race. A lot of things have had happen, some of them I'm still in the midst of experiencing and solving. Sometimes these things built up, some nerve wrecking, some confusing, some heart breaking or a mixture of emotions that I can't exactly pinpoint what they are.

Enough of ranting. Back to the main point.

Someone asked me a question once, which I felt was pretty thought provoking. 

Have you ever thought, if you could have control over time, would you fast forward it or turn it back to a certain period of the past?

As time rewinds, you are able to correct past mistakes, done better things, make better choices, undo your regrets. But what if these alternative paths that you thought was better isn't exactly what you thought it would be?

As time travels, you get to see the future, the achievements that you have made, be proud of yourself. But what if the future isn't one that you have been working towards presently? Are all efforts gone to waste? 

There are days where you would choose one option, and on other days you might choose the latter. It is a choice that changes with time. Maybe it is just better to live in the present, let things take it's natural course. Some things are just meant to happen, some things are just meant to be kept this way. There is no need for one to change their choice, it's their choice after all.

Seems like I'm stuck in the present,

Outlined by the past,

Destined by the future.

🍬 Keeping it Sweet and Simple 🍭

The previous post was one of the shortest so far wasn't it?

Why so? Because I'm going to follow the new theory I created!

The K.I.S.S theorem

Keeping It Sweet and Simple!

(Pretty lame, but I just had to write that down, hee hee)

Nah, I'm just joking, I was much too lazy and busy to write something too long.

Sometimes keeping it simple is the sweetest and the most enjoyable thing. You don't have to worry about whether things will go as planned or what will happen next. 

As we grow older, we tend to overlook the simplicity of things. We ourselves we make things more complicated than it actually is. Some of us over prepare, some of us are too fearful and think too much. But we forgot about the very basis of everything. The basic goal, the simple emotions which are sometimes the happiest and sweetest. 

Simple things like spending quality time together, be it having a meal or just plain talking with each other can put smiles that lit up a face. It's so fulfilling and satisfying. Why plan an extravagant event, only to feel uncomfortable and tired from all the social interactions? Maybe it is just me, but I find having to entertain and mix around with too many people tiring and draining.

Keeping it simple and sweet.

You get the point.

That's it.

Just...bored...

There isn't a goal any more.
There isn't anything to complain about.
There isn't anything to look forward to any more.

Day by day, it is passing by like a mundane and routinely cycle.
Day by day, faced with the same problems and failures.
Day by day, its the same, I'm getting immune to it.

There wasn't a change.
There wasn't courage to make a difference.
There wasn't a dream to begin with.

👩 Different MEs 👧

Looks like I have forsaken you for very long! It has been more than a month since I last posted anything. I'm such a procrastinator! Never actually found a time to consolidate my thoughts and feelings even though so many things have occurred and I'm dying to let someone know everything but I simply cannot find the right words for it. Or maybe it's more like I'm being plain lazy.

So here I am, finally settling down in the quietness and peace of my bedroom to type this out. Facing the laptop screen, finally hearing my own thoughts and figuring how to put them down in words. That is still a difficult task for me - putting thoughts into words, even though I have done numerous posts before this.

I have come to realise that there are different sides of me that I show different people. It's just a single me, but the way I act around people differ from group to group. It isn't like the groups of people differ by much, they are all friends that I trust and treasure, friends that I would want to remember and create new memories with.

With my friends whom I have known for 5 or more years, I then to be more of the quiet reserve me. I don't speak much unless a question is ask or I am spoken to. Sure, there are specks of playfulness and teasing time to time but that's about it. In front of them, I'm not one to speak up unless it's a one to one conversation. Even if I do, the general conversations do not last. 

On the other hand, with the newest group of friends I have made, I tend to be all motherly and yet playfully childish around them. Maybe because majority of them are all older than me? Here, I am one that usually initiate most of the conversations. There are times that I'm quiet and less out-going too, but those times have been brought to a minimal.

Then, there's a me that usually only appears when I'm alone. Free from judgements, free from the public eyes, free from anything. It is a time that I can just let lose, be myself, think for myself. That's when I can be true to myself and let my emotions take a turn for themselves. Even in front of my family I act differently. 

A single me, so many acts, so many different sides of me.

Which is really me?

Temper and Torlerance 🔥

Don't lose your temper, don't.

It is not worth it, it isn't going to make a difference.

Control your temper, control.

You have no right to lose your temper.

Just tolerate it, tolerate.

But it is easier said than done.

Sometimes when you are feeling so angry, or upset over certain issues that one feels like just cussing out loud. Sure, it isn't the most rational thing to do, yet I am just tempted to do it, to prove that you shouldn't mess with me. Scream my head off, let the anger flow freely in my veins. Burn anything that dare provoke me and stand in my way. Be violent, sarcastic and mean for once. That's a drastic and maybe a good change for once.

But it's so not me. 

Even if I do, I am going to get into a whole load of trouble, making matters worse. 

When everything comes crashing towards you, you can't say anything, there's no time to react at all. All you can do is be drown in this crazy sea of emotions and blame. All you can do is listen, that's all. I can't talk back, I will only get scolded and blame more. It wasn't even my fault to begin with. But I will just have to deal with it, there's no escaping it. Tolerate it and hope that it will blow away soon. Tolerate it and pretend that it doesn't really bother me, but it does. Tolerate it and ignore it, but it still hurts so much.

When such things happens, I'm usually the first one to say sorry. But the "sorry" said isn't genuine. Saying sorry does not always make things better. They can seem better and the problem seems solve, but the resentment still persists and engraved into memory. Such a blame is hard to erase, hard to forget. The worst about such situations are that they are never fully resolved. They are able to repeat themselves and comes back to haunt. Try to package the hurt and blame away, only to find it reopening up again with greater brute force.

Everyone has a temper.

But why can't everyone have tolerance too?

1 Step forward, 2 Steps back 👣

One step forward, inching your way closer to your goal.

Two steps back, you find yourself getting further.

Put a step forward with much difficulty, only to find yourself being pulled back by obstacles, by the past, by almost anything that can reach you. Nope, I did not get the phrase wrong. Most would believe in two steps forward and a step back, to keep yourself in check. That isn't always the case, at least I don't think so, for me at least.

If that's the case, there is no use right? 

With every step you take, you only fall behind. I would rather stay put and be stationary, not moving front not moving back. In theory it should work, but things doesn't work that way in reality. Everyone else is moving forward, heading towards their clear goal, and here I am just waiting for things to happen. You will get left behind, get trampled upon, get lost in the sea of emptiness and nothingness. Even if I try to make things happen, I end up further away than before. Finding courage to move forward is no easy task. I've place a foot forward, only to let it be stepped on and shove back more than the step that I have painstakingly taken.

Trying so hard every time, only to come head first into failure. There's a part of me that wants to give up. There doesn't seem to be a reason for me to continue to try so hard. I'm tired, lifeless and lost, drowning in the sea of the success of others, trying to find a place in society. I've lost my objective in life, then maybe there wasn't even one to begin with. I can put in all my effort, but it seems fruitless.

Leaning forward to disappointment.

Looking forward to things but only to be disappointed.

As with every difficult step that was taken, I only find myself heading in the opposite direction, the wrong direction.

🕣 A Bottle of TIME

This Is My Entry, for a simple four lettered word, 
yet in all its simplicity lies complexity. 

Time

What is the concept of time? Why is time given to us? 

There never seem to be sufficient time is there? 
There are so many things and moments that can fit into this short and simple word.

Within Time, there are moments which brings Tears In My Eyes.

Within Time, there are numerous Things I Must Experience.

Within Time, there are memories made with Things I Must Enjoy.

Within Time, there are scares and hurt from Things I Must Endure.

Within Time, ... ... The list is endless.

Everyday, a bottle of time is given to you.

86400 seconds, that is all it has and all it offers.

86400 ticks of a clock and it quickly disappears.

That's the thing about time.

Once it is gone, you will never retrieve it back.

You can never chase away the sunset and find back the sunrise. 

The bottle of time can't ever be stored, put aside. 

A filled bottle is given at the start of a new day.

As quick as it appears, it disappears and is long gone.

An empty bottle is left at the end, only to be filled tomorrow.

86400 seconds to start a new day. 

86400 seconds to end a day. 

86400 seconds is all you have.

Girl In The Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who is the fairest of them all?

Definitely not me for certain.

I'm far from being fair, just plain, un-porcelain and unpolished.

Like an ordinary girl, yet duller than her peers.

If you gazed into a mirror, you will see a reflection. Nothing special and unusual about it. In fact, you see yourself in the  mirror almost everyday, it's part of the routine. The mirror reflects how you look. It's the image of yourself that is presented to the eyes of the outside world. It sometimes show all the external flaws one possesses, accurately depicting out scars or disfigurements that cannot be hidden no matter how hard you try.

However that is all it reflects. Nothing deeper than that. Well, I guess that's good, isn't it? A reflection is an image and no more. It doesn't show the internal scars and battles that one faces. It doesn't show one's inner thoughts and emotions. It doesn't goes beyond the facade and make up that one has put up. It makes it so much easier to hide what you do not want to show and present yourself to society the way you deemed as perfect. Apply make up and the mirror will reflect it all, from the planned skin tone and the measured blush that conceals the 'real' from reality.

Wouldn't that make the reflection be all fake and just a total act? The girl I see in the mirror is not a reflection of me. I can see pass the pseudo reflection that I  made for myself. I can't recognise the girl that is staring back at me with the eyes that I know so well. I can't recognise me at all. It scares me.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

What am I without the make up?

What am I without the facade?

Which is the one that is truly me?

An Emptying Heart wanting to be Filled ♡

My first entry in the not so new year of 2015!

Time flies pretty quickly right? Year after year time passes, we get older, have more responsibilities, more thoughts, make more memories, etc. The possibilities that this year can bring is limitless. However, I can't say I'm entirely looking forward to this year. 

Although it is just the beginning of the year, I have been filled with much thoughts and troubles already. If this is only the beginning, I have no idea how I am going to get through this year, it's going to be really tough and complicated. Will I survive through and stay alive till the next Christmas? 

Have you ever felt that no matter how much you have given, you would never receive the same amount you gave? Sure, we live to give, since majority of us are the better off ones. But what about people with the same standard of living as you? Shouldn't it be a give and take situation? It is only fair if it was that way. When you show them care, concern and love, you should receive back a little love and a sense of fulfilment, or at the very least, a response. Shower them with all you have, and they will love you back. Things should really go that way. But, in my life, it does not happen. It's more of a just give and give environment. Love and care for them, yet you are ignored. On worse occasions, you are even hated and stepped on.

I'm a human too, I need a response. Sure, I'm growing older by the day, I should be more independent and learn to be less petty about such small little things. I should learn to make sacrifices and give in. But deep down I'm still a child, a clueless one at that. I still yearn for that touch, the love, the simple hug. I need someone to stay by me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I wish for someone to stand by me and tell me there's nothing wrong to make mistakes. I want someone to just be by my side and say that I'm special because I'm being me. I yearn for that warm secure hug and the shoulder to cry on that I am terribly in need of. Or simply, I don't want to be left alone. Where's the someone that will help me pick up the broken pieces and lead me back to the right direction? I can't do it myself. I can't go on like that. I'm just me. No one great, no one special. Just the weak me putting a strong front. And this strong facade of mine is breaking down. I'm tired of trying to act that I'm fine, when I'm clearly know I'm not. I'm tired of smiling like a fool, because I am one. I'm tired of being the loving one, when heavy heart is left empty. 

Smile by smile, happiness is drawn away from me.

Beat by beat, my heart pours out love meant for others.

Day by day, it is emptied and given.

But who is going to love me back the way I love you?